http://shirleykwanfans.com/clips/20070216.mp3

我們的耳朵可以再張開了。陳輝陽加林夕的作品:

＜眾生花＞

蓮花色似空　為純白精忠
恨吻着風　一煽動　睡蓮被染紅
曇花一秒鐘　任蝴蝶簇擁
為記念過客那份痛　到下世重逢
眾生失控　夢到劇終
黛玉知痛　化作落紅

如水仙最懂　自憐在水中
夜蜜蜂　香暗動　被緣份撲弄
誰惜花也懂　蜜糖為播種
歲月叫花瓣放鬆　轉眼不再紅
眾生失控　但美豔般蒼穹
十方起鬨　红顏不易種

今年我已經沒有像以前般期待奧斯卡，可能是今年好戲太少吧。另外，每個獎狀都好似呼之欲出，驚喜也不會多。最有懸念的還是最佳電影和男女配角。還有，現在十齣提名電影八齣都沒有在香港上過，就算得獎，也欠了認同感。

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole - VENUS
Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND (必贏)


Performance by an actor in a supporting role (最激烈的組別: Jackie Earle Haley, Eddie Murphy 及Mark Wahlberg也分別在今年嬴過)
Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley - LITTLE CHILDREN (亂揀)
Djimon Hounsou - BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS
Mark Wahlberg - THE DEPARTED

Performance by an actress in a leading role (全部阿姐級)
Penélope Cruz - VOLVER
Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN (無得輸)
Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN

Performance by an actress in a supporting role (Cate Blanchett 己經在04年憑 Aviator 贏過，再攞獎機會不大。無估錯的話 ，女配角應該是在 Babel 中二揀一 ，我揀西班牙女人都唔揀日本妹)
Adriana Barraza - BABEL
Cate Blanchett - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi - BABEL

Best animated feature film of the year (I don't care - 三套都是爛片)
CARS
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

Achievement in art direction
DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERDPAN'S LABYRIN
THPIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHESTTHE PRESTIGE

Achievement in cinematography (唔知，五齣都miss咗)
THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE


Achievement in costume design (我看奚仲文可能會嬴)
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
THE QUEEN

Achievement in directing (擺明就是敬老要俾馬田史高西斯，但我根本唔知佢有セ咁好，我揀 United 93)
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

Achievement in film editing
BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93

Best foreign language film of the year
AFTER THE WEDDING DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGÈNES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH
WATER

Achievement in makeup (whatever)
APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score) (no idea)
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Best motion picture of the year
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
THE QUEEN


Adapted screenplay
BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Original screenplay
BABEL LETTERS
FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

今天一口氣買了四隻VCD (龍鳳鬥、傷城、滿城盡帶黃金甲以及 Running with Scissors)，連同在家裡打算要看的 (當然包括 Lucky Louie Season 1)，應該可以應付一個農曆年假有餘。這個假期應該是這樣過的：睇碟，寫作及閱讀。

我想快點起了劇本的初稿，會否太深奥？仍是未知之數。名就有了些眉目，可能會叫做 I for Illness。

也正因為這原因，今天又對身體思考了一會。身體是會孤獨的，是會肚餓的。要吃的不是食物，而是觸摸。記得當代小說家 Hanif Kureishi 說過我們小時候的身體很吸引，一出世時醫生就用雙手把我們帶到世界上。親戚朋友總是會爭着抱我們，摸我們的臉脥，多久也不厭。成長後，發覺與人的確實接觸越來越少，每天摸着手机和Keyboard還多過摸自己心愛的人。對一個沒拖拍的人來說，現在要自己的身體被觸摸，通常要先附出金錢，看醫生，去按摩，去召妓就是了。從那個時候開始我們會吝嗇自己的身體，又是幾時我們的身體變得這麼矜貴。把身體豁出去就是放蕩，難道收起來又顯得上等？身體不被觸摸又怎知道它確實存在？

情人節，祝愛過我的幸福快樂，不愛我的更幸福快樂。

『這山頂何其矜貴　

怎可給停留一世

只得很少數伉儷

在這風景線上建築關係

這山頂如何高貴　

似叫人踏上天梯

可惜像霧都污穢　

令這海景變成個謎

甚至灣仔也漸覺縮細』

在芬梨道上看着香港的夜景，頗大霧。想了一些人物和事件，有新的也有舊的。想起了兩首關於視野的歌：＜濛＞和＜大開眼界＞。看清楚原來會是這樣忍痛承受，看不清反而可以留一條狗命。怪不得現在有這麽多人近視了。

我家不富裕，沒有住上芬梨道，炮台山道就是了。水鬼升城皇又有幾多？我憑我的雙手擁有的就是這麼多。要學會欣賞然後支持我，站在我背後一起向目標出發。我開始相信「生有限，活無限」－這是我豬年的生存之道。

Louise Gluck

近來 New Yorker 登了一些我頗喜愛的 poems，大抵也和愛情有關。想在這裏和一些時常 update 我的 blog 的人分享。今次這篇較長，但請保持你的耐性，加上文字也較淺白，很容易讓人明白，我看完之後只得「無奈」两個字。由熱戀到白頭，也許真的要有些事情隻眼開隻眼閉。總之兩鬢斑白時，他還認得你就算值得了。

NOON by Louise Gluck

They're not grown up - more like a boy and girl, really.

School's over. It's the best part of the summer, when it's still beginning -

the sun's shining, but the heat isn't intense yet.

And freedom hasn't gotten boring.

So you can spend the whole day, all of it, wandering in the meadow.

The meadow goes on indefinitely, and the village keeps getting more and

more faint -

It seems a strange position, being very young.

They have this thing everyone wants and they don't want -

but they want to keep it anway; it's all they can trade on.

When they're by themselves like this, these are the things they talk about.

How time for them doesn't race.

It's like the reel breaking at the movie theatre. They stay anyway -

mainly, they just don't want to leave. But till the reel is fixed

the old one just gets popped back in,

and all of a sudden you're back to long ago in the movie -

the hero hasn't even met the heroine. He's still at the factory,

he hasn't begun to go bad. And she's wandering around the docks, already bad.

But she never meant it to happen. She was good, then it happened to her,

like a bag pulled over her head.

The sky's completely blue, so the grass is dry.

They'll be able to sit with no trouble.

They sit, they talk about everything - then they eat their picnic.

They put the food on the blanket, so it stays clean.

They've always done it this way; they take the grass themselves.

The rest - how two people can lie down on the blanket -

they know about it but they're not ready for it.

They know people who've done it, as a kind of game or trial -

then you say, no, wrong time. I think I'll just keep being a child.

Just your body doesn't listen. It knows everything now.

It says you're not a child, you haven't been a child for a long time.

Their thinking is, stay away from change. It's an avalanche -

all the rocks sliding down the mountain, and the child standing underneath

just gets killed.

They sit in the best place, under the poplars.

And they talk - it must be hours now, the sun's in a different place.

About school, about people they both know,

about being adult, about how you knew what your dreams were.

They used to play games, but that's stopped now - too much touching.

They only touch each other when they fold the blanket.

They know this in each other.

That's why it isn't talked about.

Before they do anything like that, they'll need to know more -

in fact, everything that can happen. Until then, they'll just watch

and stay children.

Today she's folding the blanket alone, to be safe.

And he looks away - he pretends to be too lost in thought to help out.

They know that at some point you stop being children, and at that point

you become strangers. It seems unbearably lonely.

When they get home to the village, it's nearly twilight.

It's been a perfect day; they talk about this,

about when they'll have a chance to have a picnic again.

They walk through the summer dusk,

not holding hands but still telling each other everything.

今晚打排球又扭親隻右腳啦。其實自己每次都好小心，知道如果再有什麽差遲，隻腳就不能再做運動了。所以真的很怕和一些不懂打的人一起打。現在敷了些葯膏布，但已經感到不妙了。頂! (講十次) 希望明早起床可以行得走得啦！年紀大，機器己經壞了好幾年。估唔到壞完又壞。

我很想告訴你們，但我真的不敢，我就有如謝安琪，怕小器，怕中口卦，不想節外生枝。我負担不起。

好讓這個星期快點過去，我便有多些時間做自己的東西。還有很多DVD要看，最緊要還是把論文的 Conclusion寫好，初稿便終於完成了。自己也能鬆一口氣。

小恩小惠，足夠令我開心一世。

終於一百個

不經不覺，這已經是我個 blog 第100個 post 啦! 開頭也不在意，但我 log in 個 account 時才發覺這個重要時刻。好，來個蛋糕贈慶吧！今年生日的遺憾就是吃不到最心愛的拿破崙蛋糕。反正這種蛋糕根本插不下蠟燭，換句話說，生日吃不到它就好像很有邏輯，跟其他原因無關。與其等有心人有誰共鳴，倒不如自己遲些去 Mandarin 或 Conrad 走走，自己跟自己浪漫一番。現在想吃的還有在 Great 買的可樂軟糖和鵪春蛋燒賣。

Breaking and Entering

昨晚看了Breaking and Entering，事前已做足心理準備，抱着零期望的心情去入戲院。當我知道外國影評人把此片彈得一文不值時，心裡也起了猜疑。沒理由吧！不竟導演是Anthony Minghella (The English Patient, The Talented Mr. Ripley)，絕無可能得個C-，比起咒怨2還是差。早陣子看完Clint Eastwood的Flags of Our Father己經好不明白為什麼有資格被提名金球獎最佳影片，再加上Breaking and Entering並是那麼差 (雖然也不是最好－太多對白，說得太明，又有點故弄玄虛，而又大少空間給觀衆思考，但也有張力，戲味還可以，大抵也值個B)，只好說句今年好片真不多。本人選擇還是United 93。

偷情片近來彷彿成為了一個熱門的主題：Mike Nichols的Closer 跟Woody Allen的 Match Point 就是好例子。前者剖釋偷食是基於 love at the first sight；後者則說到大話被揭發與否就看看你的彩數。有運起來，殺了人也不用填命。Breaking and Entering 說的也是偷情，但角度則不同。所謂 'breaking' 就是 'entering'的其中一環。有些事情必須要先被破壞，才能安然健全，鞏固起來。愛情便是一個例子。Jude Law偷食過才知道女友Robin Wright Penn的大愛，而兩者的關係才能由疏離變成commitment。這段感情線在戲中着墨不多，離離又合合，有點兒令人摸不着頭腦。但想深一層，女方只不過是 attention seeker，要的就只是男友呼天搶地的把自己爭回來。只不過男方一直自建障礙，還是要放蕩一下才安樂。

人生也是如此。那個年青人在開場時永遠要打爛(break)玻璃才能進入(enter) Jude Law的office 偷電腦。但最後兜兜轉轉認了個錯，還能堂堂正正地步入 office裏跟他道歉和道別。不用偷偷摸摸，反而挺起胸膛。能夠成仁上了一課只是別人肯多給一個機會。先破壞，後建設，這個人生及愛情觀真的十分解構主義 (deconstruction)。

我們的現實生活又有多少東西可以在摧毁後再重生？人與人之間的感情太疏離了，還要忍受breaking的痛苦才能達到化境(enter a new phase)，看來生存真的需要技巧和忍耐力。

大才與小用

今早做事很不爽，十點鐘己發了個脾氣。事源我要做的工作實在太「濕碎」，掛名是edit教材，但實在就是對住個Word document執format。有時候有東西要改動時，大多就要憑空想像。原本第一稿己是寫得不好，經過鬼婆改過後就更奇怪。她會用拼音打中文，但文法全錯，又多白字。要我改，怎改？

近日在母校開始逢一、三教一個鐘頭remedial英文。坦白說，為錢吧！最怕是見到愚昧的一羣，又無禮貌。最弊就是你不能過於動氣，他們不竟是細路，完全不懂性。只不過是在學校，並不等於我沒有想過兜巴星死你。你走運了，但切忌過份，每個人的運也有用盡的一日。

今晚只是和Adrian在合發吃了個快飯 (其實只得我吃)，很早便回了家，十點多便睡著了。反正再不用打怪獸，為何不可？但自從分手後就是睡得不太好，兩個多星期來，間中也有惡夢。個多小時前才發了一個。點幾鐘醒了，可以做什麼？外面好靜，很想出去走走。

這刻的歌：梁詠琪《等人》

---------------------------------------------------

我愛抽煙 但更愛聽煙草被燒的聲音

我愛睡覺 卻又稀罕身體被抱的質感

二時三十分 在等一個人

一個在二時打過電話給我的人

--------------------------------------------------

離開我 離開過 離開永遠離不開自我
談工作 談水果 曾幾何時什麼都笑過

理想嚒 旅行嚒 二人行怎會變做單拖

唯有想 自己是 鐵膽一號會否較好過

七四二十八 數口精又代表什麼
面對怪獸時 還是不敵它一團火
這個世界沒太多超人
少個哥斯拉 少個感情殘障人
就可造就繁華盛世的戀愛氣氛

-------------------------------------------------

昨年今日

如果程小姐的大批是準確的話，我己經行了人生的一半。我不介意，也不太正乎。我只是想如果要我在未來的廿八年過着過去廿八年的生活，遇上差不多的人，再經歷多一次各種的人生高低，我會願意嗎？你會嚒？ 想着，想着，一切也二Ｏ四六起來。未來就是過去，現在就是當下，也只是一個timeless的中和點。

生日過得很安然，心情沒什麼大上大落。和應見的人吃過飯，收了一些禮物，喜歡與否，也會珍藏。收到了一隻馬里奥，有點不知所措，真不知反應什麼。腦裡也重覆地唱着任天堂流淚的第一句：看，馬里奥為情人蜘蛛都去擋。

今年決定用打牌的方式打去自己的生日，可惜被清櫃了。糟糕，牌太弱，對手強了！

欠缺的是還未吃生日蛋糕，沒有拍照，還未許願。本來想網上找張"28"的相，貼上來，但找不到。原來年齡是虛的，怎樣也記錄不下來，留得下來的只是28歲的我們，並不是"28"本身。我要今年更實在。

你是我一個好好好好好的好朋友。攪什麼？ 我們還在八十年代嚒？

在此僅多謝媽媽的Paul Smith Knitwear，Joseph的手寫板，Charles的Y3帽，阿Ha和阿胆的波鐘錢，Robert的一切。未見的人，我還會見，最重要的是你們還在我身邊。

不知為何, 這两天也不斷哼着＜如果你有事＞. 多么不祥! 愛突然又有效, 突然又過期, 狠心的你, 亂了的我, 仍.......... 苦戰九年, 遊歷無數, 但最終難免成為自由行, 不在意就怪了. 一想再想, 也不外乎是龍鳳大戲一場. 我可會是新光戲院或是利舞臺, 不怕有戲上演, 只怕叫好不叫座, 到最後還要清拆.雖全院滿座, 但總有散場的一刻, 只希望來看戲的把票尾好好保存, 他日如若和朋友談論過去時, 可憑票尾換取回憶, 溫故知新, 證明你也有用心看過戲, 看錯與否, 則有所保留. 但你又可知那些票尾是用來換領一隻卡地亞戒指? 忙, 忙, 忙, 我也會忙, 現在就忙給眾人看. 一句<生日快樂>本是來得自眨, 那又何來矜貴? 在圖書館裏把新書隨手翻開, 看到Samuel Beckett的作品. 我們唯有在穹蒼下共勉之:

they come
different and the same
with each it is different and the same
with each the absence of love is different
with each the absence of love is the same

From Sister:
有時候太著眼看會令人暈眩，放開點便能見廣一些。平常心是很難求，但當你發覺只有自己的心是可靠攏時；平常一點也未嘗不可。沒有人想生活得額外失落吧？！

<剩下, 光年>

"光年" 時常被人誤解.

它指距離 並非時間

時間 我時有時無

距離 才與我常在

愛不起 襯不上

對得起 但心不上

這就是差異

差異編寫距離

有距離 人才會遲到

來不及的還有時間

時間從來甚少守時

所以

我放棄了戴錶

光年 很遠 很遠

跟永恆無異

永恆是幻想 是空想 我想 我想

永恆存不存在

怎證明

因為我們永遠比時間命短

我們 只可以向前走

告訴自己前面就是了

是了 是了

到了 到了

不了也要了

很想念過去愛得瘋狂

愛得驕傲 愛得任性的日子

現在很理性

多了忌諱 少了感覺

有了目標 欠了認同

剩下 還有路要走

有多少 只有多 永無少

走得起 也要和光年

鬥命長

A stupid lady from an agent called me this morning and asked me to go to Fanling to teach a 5-week F.7 remedial course. She gave me flattery, saying that I was so capable and experienced (all of a sudden?). I said it's too far away and I'm too busy. She said she would raise the price for me. I asked for 900 for 2 hours. She said she'd consider it.

After I hung up, I realised I had to attend the postgraduate seminar every Tuesday in HKU and it clashed with the Fanling schedule. In order not to waste their time and energy on the money negotiation, I called back and told them not to bother anymore. She told me "Nevermind, we could only afford $250 per hour only". Cunt, you gotta pay for the right people.

Another woman. She proposed that I should meet the boss once again in the future. Today, I asked her to kindly schedule it for me. She said, "I'm not sure if the boss wants to see you." Fuck x 1000. I am sure I know how to pronounce 'grin' correctly.

My heart filled resentment and unrecognized anger, I took the MTR to Admiralty and changed the bus there to get back to HKU. I stopped by my office to get back some notes and some books for the final chapter of my thesis. Then I went to Swire Hall canteen. I was surprised that it's already closed at 8pm. What kind of canteen closes during dinner time? I've no idea. I took a taxi to the McDonald's near the indoor volleyball court. When I was placing my order, I noticed the restaurant was playing 小飛俠. I froze for a few seconds, enjoying the sudden attack of the 窩心 feeling: "陪你渡過春天 陪你渡過秋天 陪你直到冬天我怕與你沒法一起蛻變".

Next to me, there was a girl in her school uniform. She seemed to be a friend of the cashier girl. They looked like, so I guess they're friends. The cashier girl proudly told her that she could give her a discount on the food. I felt that their lives were easy, worriless, or maybe goal-less. What kind of future would they have by selling hamburgers? Maybe they're already comfortable with what they have. At least they looked happy.

Curry Pork Bun combo with a crawfish soup (a.k.a fake lobster soup in my dietary language), I got a call from Charles. He's also heading to McDonald's to get the same combo? At that moment, I felt better. I knew I was not the only one.

從前有個男孩夜裡說想約我於森林見面.........

1:13am. I opened my copy of Tao Te Ching and turned to chapter 23. It reads:

Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

If you are open yourself to Tao,
you are at one with the Tao
and you can embody it completely.
If you open yourself to insight,
you are at one with insight
and you can use it completely.
If you open yourself to loss,
you are at one with loss
and you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to Tao,
then trust your natural responses;
and everything will fall into place.

How far can we understand this? Even if we do, how much is it going to help? Then, what?

我心中的你深得見骨　
怎會想到跟你想法有出入　
願你抽半秒想想　往日

I know I should be sleeping right now. Yet, mid-night hunger and the tormenting heat between the blankets woke me up. I need rest; I've waken up not to. I will see the big boss today. Somehow, I feel like meeting godfather of the mafia. Not knowing what to do, but show your individualism and dedication to the cult. Not sure if they would make good use of me. I wish they would. Let's see how far my luck can be pushed.

These days, I realize that WORK has the following functions:

[1] It keeps you occupied, and makes you feel that time flies faster than it should be;

[2] It drains you out, so that you could sleep soundly (sure?) at night;

[3] It gives you a chance to accumulate some topics to talk to your friends at night;

[4] It keeps you busy and therefore gives you a label as a 'usuable', 'practical', 'meaningful' and 'functional' being.

My current part time job does not have much to do. Most of the day, I spend my hours at my desk working on the msn chatboxes and reading the papers I downloaded from Jstor for my research. People are nice, nicer than I expected. Maybe it's not yet time for competition. Still, I adopt a rather reclusive approach. Sometimes, I peep at my silenced phone. No one calls, no missing call. Then I go back to my 'work'. I have several smoking break per day, which could be the most liberating moments at work, I guess. Not that I long for a smoke, but that I could somehow stand within a space on the ground. It makes me feel more solid and existential.

The last semester will start in 2 weeks' time - probably the last semester I could have in the near future. What could I make best out of it. I certainly miss the people there. I regret not getting close to Esther Cheung, whom (I assume) I could talk a lot to. I regret not sitting in Abbas's classes when he's still here. Well, for Gina, she is nice, though she still has not read my stuff. Incredible. I also miss Jason and Tiffany, who are basically the most immediate comfort during these two years. I miss the library, my pigeon hole, the classrooms and the smoking areas.

差不多4:45am la, it's time for you to get up for work.

睡得好嗎? 有想起我嗎?

I had a nightmare about you, which woke me up.

記得吃點早餐, 空肚工作無益!

A LOVER’S EARLOBE (temporary draft)
by Nicholas Y.B. Wong (copyright)

Dedicated to Robbie

The head tilted slightly,
your left ear’s exposed
in the open air. A protest:
life’s too heavy, you exclaimed.
Removing part of your ear helped
relieve the weight.

Nothing was lighter than the moments we
shared. Your gospel words intruded my
ear: a folktale about a hole on the earlobe.
Someone had to fill it up, a sacrifice.
A thread of silk sprouted and reached
my cap. Hair obscured to reveal your
history and renew a part of it.

Earrings foregone,
your past foretold.
The aperture lured desire to drop by.
I listened to the mourning and yearning
the hole collected. The slit mystified the
contour of your left pinna.

Unblock the ear after it’s identified.
That’s the way an ear distinguished
a lover from the deaf crowd.

Blue Song
I am tired.
I am tired of speech and action.
If you should meet me upon the
street do not question me for
I can tell you only my name
and the name of the town I was
born in - but that is enough.
It does not matter whether tomorrow
arrives anymore. If there is
only this night and after it is
morning it will not matter now.
I am tired. I am tired of speech
and of action. In the heart of me
you will find a tiny handful of
dust. Take it and blow it out
upon the wind. Let the wind have
it and it will find its way home.
Tennessee Williams

我的生存之道

在這裡思索自己, 差不多可以哭出來.

Why did I resign four years ago? It was a job that provided me with 90 holidays a year and paid me nearly $20K a month (at the stage I resigned). The answer is easy: I have lost myself.

In 2007, I have set myself a series of goals. I would like to give myself one more chance - in fact, one more sign. I have submitted two of of my thesis chapters to two scholarly journals to see if they're interested in publishing them for me. I know it may sound too far-fetching and my critical thinking and writing may not have reached such a high level yet. Still, I want to try. People, if not now, when? The chapter on Haruki Murakami's ear has been sent to Journal of Asian Studies, while the one on Will Self's Cock and Bull has been sent to Critique: Studies of Contemporary Fiction. One more chapter on the nose (Nikolai Gogol) and the penis (Hanif Kureishi) will be sent out by mail to Men and Masculinities. I plan to write a few more poems and short stories by February, and hopefully send them to Upstreet (Vermont University) and another publication mentioned on the APWN website.

If luck comes to hit and shower me with any of them, I will reconsider if I am quitting the academic circle. 學術 is not a circle understood by many people. What is more difficult to comprehend is the life inside such an 'academic life'. Ever since I was small, I came up first in the whole class or school. I did average in secondary school. Not able to compete with the best, but absolutely much better than the worst. I seemed to have found myself in university. I met nice teachers, I picked the right subjects, I read the impressive books. I decided to move on. Thanks to Elaine Ho (the first cunt in my life), I chose to work.

Four years of teaching, I only enjoyed around 100 days. There were times I was in the classroom and I kept asking myself "Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in somewhere else?" It took time for consideration and courage to make a move. I know I could not afford any D-mop and IT clothes anymore if I go back to the campus. Anyway, I chose such a path.

I admit I am a picky person. I did forfeit some chances to earn some money that would make my life easier. I did it because I wanted myself to be completely focussed on my writing. My situation is a bit unusual. My origina supervisor left, then I was transferred to someone else, and then another transferal. So far, after 1.5 years of hard work and writing, no one has read my stuff yet. If there's a mentor, I would be less frustrated and even more productive. I have to say I already did my best and lived up to myself after my studies started. I have gone to three conferences, praised at two by someone I didn't know and won a cash prize. At that point, I thought I could really continue. I still remember this scene: Jonathan Hall from UC Irvine said to me: "I like your paper.....You're not doing a PhD? You should, I think you're talented". This is the first time I have been praised by some people in a different world in six years. I really need this encouragement, the positive energy to drill into my blood. I have achieved much more than the people of the same year.

Owing to different issues, my confidence seems to have gone. Studying is perhaps the only way I can find a real sense of satisfaction. But the point is who can allow a 28-to-be to keep studying in Hong Kong? I look at my parents. They raised me as what I am. I am not a good son at all, but I still want them to have a life to enjoy when they're old. There's nothing I could do to reward except looking for a real job that pays me really good money. I don't mind working at all. I have worked, spending 10 hours to mark assignment and only 15 mins for lunch and dinner. I was once a typical busy Hong Kong person, just that I didn't enjoy what I was busy with.

There's a struggle between my personal dream and my duty. I don't mind giving up myself for a while for my parents, just that I am worried if I quit the academia, I won't be back anymore since the people I know may leave or die somehow when I recognize I need to go back, again. If my family is richer, I would be doing my PhD at Princeton, an MFA in somewhere or even a PhD in creative writing. My friends, after I die, please bring my ashes to Princeton and scatter some over the lawn there.

Being too free is a problem, a nuisance, a weakness. Honestly, sitting in front of my desk thinking about what to do next is a torturing experience. Moving from company A to company B is easy because there's already another choice. If terms and conditions fit, you leave. If not, you stay, or you look for company C in your industry. For me, industry unknown, career unknown, job unknown.

學術 also requires a strong will. I just want to learn and write. Learning makes me happy. Knowing stimulates me. How many of us really identify such a passion? After identifying, how many of us would recognize, respect, encourage and value?

I have never been as frustrated about myself as now. I really want to figure out the road of my life.

We're All in the Dance

Life's a dance

we all have to do

What does the music require?

People all moving together

close as the flames in a fire

feel the beat

music and rhyme

while there is time

We all go round and round

Partners are lost and found

looking for one more chance

All I know is

we're all in the dance

Night and day

the music plays on

we all are part of the show

while we cana hold on to someone

we know life won't let us go

feel the beat

music and rhyme

while there's time

We all go round and round

partners are lost and found

Looking for one more chance

All I know is

we're all in the dance

We're all in the dance

Andrew Holleran asked: "How can we distinguish the dancers from the dance?"

Facing the spectacular view of the Paris city, all we need is someone next to us to say, "It's so beautiful." We all know, by being there, the view is beautiful. What the other half says is not suggestive, but confirmative, reassuring us that in the world, there's someone to share our view.