我的生存之道

在這裡思索自己, 差不多可以哭出來.

Why did I resign four years ago? It was a job that provided me with 90 holidays a year and paid me nearly $20K a month (at the stage I resigned). The answer is easy: I have lost myself.

In 2007, I have set myself a series of goals. I would like to give myself one more chance - in fact, one more sign. I have submitted two of of my thesis chapters to two scholarly journals to see if they're interested in publishing them for me. I know it may sound too far-fetching and my critical thinking and writing may not have reached such a high level yet. Still, I want to try. People, if not now, when? The chapter on Haruki Murakami's ear has been sent to Journal of Asian Studies, while the one on Will Self's Cock and Bull has been sent to Critique: Studies of Contemporary Fiction. One more chapter on the nose (Nikolai Gogol) and the penis (Hanif Kureishi) will be sent out by mail to Men and Masculinities. I plan to write a few more poems and short stories by February, and hopefully send them to Upstreet (Vermont University) and another publication mentioned on the APWN website.

If luck comes to hit and shower me with any of them, I will reconsider if I am quitting the academic circle. 學術 is not a circle understood by many people. What is more difficult to comprehend is the life inside such an 'academic life'. Ever since I was small, I came up first in the whole class or school. I did average in secondary school. Not able to compete with the best, but absolutely much better than the worst. I seemed to have found myself in university. I met nice teachers, I picked the right subjects, I read the impressive books. I decided to move on. Thanks to Elaine Ho (the first cunt in my life), I chose to work.

Four years of teaching, I only enjoyed around 100 days. There were times I was in the classroom and I kept asking myself "Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in somewhere else?" It took time for consideration and courage to make a move. I know I could not afford any D-mop and IT clothes anymore if I go back to the campus. Anyway, I chose such a path.

I admit I am a picky person. I did forfeit some chances to earn some money that would make my life easier. I did it because I wanted myself to be completely focussed on my writing. My situation is a bit unusual. My origina supervisor left, then I was transferred to someone else, and then another transferal. So far, after 1.5 years of hard work and writing, no one has read my stuff yet. If there's a mentor, I would be less frustrated and even more productive. I have to say I already did my best and lived up to myself after my studies started. I have gone to three conferences, praised at two by someone I didn't know and won a cash prize. At that point, I thought I could really continue. I still remember this scene: Jonathan Hall from UC Irvine said to me: "I like your paper.....You're not doing a PhD? You should, I think you're talented". This is the first time I have been praised by some people in a different world in six years. I really need this encouragement, the positive energy to drill into my blood. I have achieved much more than the people of the same year.

Owing to different issues, my confidence seems to have gone. Studying is perhaps the only way I can find a real sense of satisfaction. But the point is who can allow a 28-to-be to keep studying in Hong Kong? I look at my parents. They raised me as what I am. I am not a good son at all, but I still want them to have a life to enjoy when they're old. There's nothing I could do to reward except looking for a real job that pays me really good money. I don't mind working at all. I have worked, spending 10 hours to mark assignment and only 15 mins for lunch and dinner. I was once a typical busy Hong Kong person, just that I didn't enjoy what I was busy with.

There's a struggle between my personal dream and my duty. I don't mind giving up myself for a while for my parents, just that I am worried if I quit the academia, I won't be back anymore since the people I know may leave or die somehow when I recognize I need to go back, again. If my family is richer, I would be doing my PhD at Princeton, an MFA in somewhere or even a PhD in creative writing. My friends, after I die, please bring my ashes to Princeton and scatter some over the lawn there.

Being too free is a problem, a nuisance, a weakness. Honestly, sitting in front of my desk thinking about what to do next is a torturing experience. Moving from company A to company B is easy because there's already another choice. If terms and conditions fit, you leave. If not, you stay, or you look for company C in your industry. For me, industry unknown, career unknown, job unknown.

學術 also requires a strong will. I just want to learn and write. Learning makes me happy. Knowing stimulates me. How many of us really identify such a passion? After identifying, how many of us would recognize, respect, encourage and value?

I have never been as frustrated about myself as now. I really want to figure out the road of my life.