Hair kills.
We also kill our hair, painlessly.
Every month I go to the salon and trim my hair. Is my hair part of my body or non-body? I assume for every single bit of my body, if removed, would cause me pain. Why would something totally incapable of causing me pain grow and attach to my head?
Cutting it even has a sense of 'coolness' inside. Listening to the sounds of the scissors and seeing how the blades tidy up the ends of my hair ease me with the feeling that I am organized, and at the same time, less disorganized.
Pulling one's hair is even more painful than cutting it. That's why I told my masseur. So, sometimes, it's better to get rid of things than holding it to prevent a potential pain from tormenting me.
Hair links. The tiny string of silk that links up the living and the dead (as in the film Silk) is a threat. It is a connection of revenge, hatred and love, always misunderstood and mistaken.
The hair is also the grotesque. It blocks the pipe and comes from a monstrous body with an ill-boned frame and a contourless face. It's deformed and damaged, yet it's exotic and erotic. It's foreign and familiar at the same time. It's not just hair. It carries more than ordinariness with it (see Nicole Kidman's coming film, Fur).
Hair and fingernails still grow after one dies. Hair outlives us. It last longer in this physical world than us. When our body stops functioning, the hair takes its victory and prolongs our sense of living in the world, though not noticed very much.

Current reading: Considering Alan Ball, (ed) Thomas Fahy. (MFC, 2006). I have turned to non-fiction and documentaries from fiction and dramas. It's hard to find a good fictional book and film now. When would I finish my chapter on the ear? It's the worst thing I have worked on. Fuck work.

Songs I wish to hear on 9 Oct, though I know the possibilities of some of them below are very low:

1. 戀愛盲 2. 三千年開花 3. 找我 4. 新聞女郎 5. 零比零
6. 九九九 7. 不愛就不愛 8. 重新做人 9. PG家長指引
10. 瀛寰搜奇 11. 性情中人 12. 錯先生
13. 流離夜雨...雨中花 14. 好朋友 15. 呼吸 16. 某月某夜
17. 零時十一分 18. 不願一個人 19. 501 20. 步步高

My gut feelings told me that he would sing....
One song of Danny Chan, or maybe a song of Ho CC... just my guess.

September is the dullest month - may God (not that I believe in his existence) take away this month from now on. I could detect the smell of autumn a few weeks ago. It was so pungent that I couldn't avoid breathing in the sad air. Nostrils are like ears, and unlike eyes, always open and exposed for invasion. Not that the air is sickening, but memorial, like the smell of your mother's pillowcase and the clothes one just gets back from laundry. It reminds people of events, in the past, with a certain sense of nostalgia in it. No wonder there are people covering their nose and mouth with their bare hands in streets.

I will be heading off to Korea in October. Probably, this would be the last academic trip in years. So going with someone I know would be a credit and it could put a supposedly wonderful end to my whole study plan these two years. I couldn't stop asking myself What's next? The future, my future, precisely speaking, becomes more elusive and yet daunting. Mid-age crisis, I would say. Doubts just accumulate, as debts. We all have detbs, don't we? It's just the matter of whether we have more doubts than doubts, or vice versa.

I started rethinking my academic goal these two days. I was stunned to discover (one can't lie to oneself) that I am bored with it, to the extent that I am rather fed up. Yes, I'm writing something interesting, yet how profound could it be? Or shall I ask Is it rightly written? Not yet, not soon. Would I be able to survive like this until the day I retire, let's say 60?

Going to class alone, and leaving the campus also alone. At home, sitting in front of the computer, either surfing on the meaningless websites, or writing my thesis. I finally submit myself to the whole theory on how machines alienate people in their everyday life. If lucky, there would be one movie night and two volleyball evenings per week (provided that the games are enjoyable and the film is not crap). Or I will be browsing websites of famous universities overseas to check out what departments and programmes they are offering, dreaming as if I would one day step my foot on their campus.

All these things happen in a cycle. Everything in life is just a cylce, very Buddhist. This is why my life becomes duller and duller. With all the things I need to write in my head, there's a chaos, a mess. My life is chaotically dull, and I become moodless, which I find is also a special mood at the same time. So now, I can establish moodless=moody. Whatever crap theory it might be.

Too lazy to go to a computer shop to buy a writing pad so that I can write my blog in Chinese. Yes, I am lazier to learn how to type my mother language. I bought a horrible aroma oil from Franc Franc, yet, I am too lazy to get a new one, which smells better. Laziness comes from moodlessness, which in turn comes from alienation. So many thoughts on my future, but so little things have happened to signal me.

Classics suck!!!

One mystery always on my mind: I really don't understand why people praise Hitchcock and Shakespeare like god. I've read and watched their works. I think they're tremendously tedious and the pace is far too slow. I grow up in a world where speed and efficiency count most. Such stuff, for me, is already not of my concern and interest. Same for other 'gods', including my forever hates, Jane Austen, Daniel Defoe, Jonathan Swift and many others.

Vertigo sucks. This is what I find on http://www.imdb.com:

There is nothing more to say. For me this is the best Hitchcock. I loved Psycho, Rear Window, North by Northwest, but this one tops them all. The story is so great and I almost can't say anything about it without spoiling it a little (What's so great about the film? The story could be told in 50 mins, but the director spent 123 mins to tell it). A couple of things I can say are that John Ferguson (James Stewart) is afraid of heights due a thing happened a while ago. He is asked to spy on the wife of an old friend of him. John once was a detective so he knows how to do that. The wife, played by Kim Novak, is acting a little strange lately so it must be in her benefit. Of course he falls in love and this is only where the story starts. (Injured and impotent policemen has always been a theme, even now. So what's so special about it? Falling in love with the subject is definitely a cliche) You will never be bored. (Sorry, I've been bored since the beginning) The acting from Stewart is good as always and Novak is great. Hitchcock does a great job with his directing, but that is something we all knew before watching the film.(disagree) There are some nice camera-tricks which I liked very much. The score by Bernard Herrmann also does a great job supporting the whole atmosphere of the film. This is one of the best Hitchcock's and you just have to see it. 10/10. (I give 1/10)

If it's not because of the course work, I would not even waste my time on this. Now, you wanna know my taste. This is what I call wit and wisedom:

Haruki Murakami: "The first time I did a book signing was in Princetown. Fifteen people came. It was [the] most peaceful hour of my life. I spent the time trying to remember all the train stations in Tokyo".

The British can always handle a light-hearted but warm romance very well. Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually, and this one, Imagine Me and You.

I first saw the trailer of this film back in February, in Alberquerque, New Mexico. I was the only person in the threatre waiting for Capote (or Good Night and Good Luck) to begin. The massive hollowness of the theatre and my personal hollowness (as usual) just made me feel much deeper for the film as it normally would.

I finally got a chance to see it tonight and I like it a lot. It's not just a film about love at the first sight. The beauty of the lesbian romance is the portrayal of how a person follows her heart to leave her husband and be with a woman. Nobody gets hurt in the end, and nobody wins. Just that someone falls in love and someone falls out of it.

It's sweet, funny and romantic. That's what I asked for. Everything in a British romance just appears too romantic in the film - the florist, the sky, the walls, the shops, the interior of a home and the exterior of the city. Yet, when you actually get there, it's not exactly how they appear on screen. Very strange.

I don't have a love life now, but I do have a 'like' life. I am still looking for my le flash.

The name of the film comes from The Turtle's Happy Together. Ironically, Wong Kar-wai's Happy Together is about a gay couple being unhappy together. Lesbian romance is always more romantic than gay ones. Sigh, gay men are just too melanholic because they always think about "imagine me and me".

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I think I am going to be real busy up to the end of the month:

1. A Cock and Bull Story
2. Naked World (Documentary)
3. Sketches of Frank Gehry (Documentary)
4. Elizabeth I (HBO film)
5. Fabulous: the story of queer cinema (Documentary)
6. Kicking and Screaming
7. The Joy of Life (Documentary)

Shit, there is still no news from anything I am hoping for. 小產 again?

It's always fun to hang out with these ppl (including ah dam, ah ta, charles, andy, kevin, carol, maggie tb, ah ha). We always meet at different sorts of tables (drinking table, GM table and food table), we just say a lot of bullshit. But it's really fun. For many times, I have laughed into tears and could not stop. Those were the happy days. Even now when I am bored (usually in the bus), I will recall what we have talked and laughed about. We have our secret language and codes. Shit, I miss GM.

What's wrong with this little crazy cunt? Can't she just leave me alone? I think I should go to "DA SIU YAN". I'm gonna fight back this time. Too much tolerance for this piece of shit. She's really pushing her luck.

This is the latest email of her. She is just FUCKING INSANE!!!!!

Dear B, your new nickname/ do you like it? not mean you're low-B :) i think u have many things to do. e.g. write some poems / know more people / travel / movies to me, you seem forget something ....... 1. a clear target 2. a real dream to work for 3. try to do more to contribute yourself to the society 4. stop listening too many pop songs ~~ 5. never think too high of yourself. it's a common mistake. i can understand. but you should be mature & wise. appreciate others and learn from them. never think " i'm quite handsome / clever / attractive" etc. other people will think you're a naive / low-B one. so always keep in mind that " what can i do to express my real talent? " " do i speak something useful/ inspiring to others? " i just hope you will grow up and never be silly.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	3.6
Mind:	4.8
Body:	5.3
Spirit:	2
Friends/Family:	2.7
Love:	0
Finance:	1.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

I guess the total score one can get in each category is 10.

Rate your own life at http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/rate_my_life.html

The Lake House - Can time be really on time?

Adaptation is such a painful experience, and watching an adapted film is even more torturous. il mare is one of my all-time-favourites. The romance and the 'romantic' lies on the plot - how could two people falling in love with two years apart, without interacting with each other. It's a rather spiritual mode of yearning. It's all about romance in the modernity - all about alienation and most importantly - the possibility of allowing oneself to indulge into such an 'untouchable romance'. We all love the ones we could not get. Isn't this film saying exactly the same thing? Just that it talks about two people from two different temporalities.

The American adaptation sucks. It ruins the original mood and affect. The 'untouchability' is ruined and rewritten. Both films have a very nice 'lake house', of different achitectural and structural meanings. The Korean one is really built on the shore, serving as an end of a long walkway extension. The house has a name of its own - 'il mare', meaning 'the sea'. What is there is the sea is the horizon, which you can see, but never touch it. When you think you reach the horizon, it's not there, but you see another line ahead of you as another new horizon.

The American house is more pro-father. It has a tree planted in the middle. The father is the centre of the family, forever there, influencing the residents (his son). This is nothing special, but too obvious. "Are you crazy? That is a glass house. You have no privacy", one character says in the film. Yet, it's a glass house. You can see the view from within, but never touch it as well because you are separated by the glass. Also, who is there to watch you anyway? The privacy is laid out so clearly without any concealment. The only regret is that there's no spectators, very lonely.

The Korean one has more long shots. It is the setting and the art direction that shape the mood of the film. The American one just has too many close-ups (not to mention the sparkless acting and interaction between characters). Kate and Alex (Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves) just talk too much to each other. They are visitors of instant chatroom who occasionally sending each other massive emails rather than people really living their lives with two years apart. The romance is technologized and globalized. The human touch is not more to be found.

The story is quite drastically rewritten upon adaptation. There are too many unnecessary and annoying characters. You see the film and you know who I am pinpointing. The most 'mysterious' is the ending, which according to the time theory, they would not have been able to meet. Kate is crying at the mailbox, hoping Alex can get her mail, thus escaping from her death. It is Feb 14 2006 in Alex's time and Feb 14 2008 in Kate's time. If t stands for Alex's temporal signifer, then Kate's is always t+2. So why could Kate, after crying, stand up, turn around and meet Alex? It does not make sense.

Kate knows Alex in 2006, so t+2 = 2006. In other words t = 2004. They would only meet when t = 2006 (t+2 = 2008). Temporally speaking the plot is flawless. Yet, Kate can appear in 2006 and 2008 at the same time because she is always two years ahead. The privilege of a person living in the present is the existence of him/herself in the past. However, one should question why Alex can trepass the preset t and t+2 notion to appear all of a sudden in 2008 in the end.......

United 93 -- A+

Oh, my god. When was the last time I felt there's a film that deserved an A+? May god know. The terrrorists who hijacked the plane sought help from God perhaps as many times as I do now. United 93 is a shocking, stunning and delicate film - all the merits should go to the scriptwriter and director, who happen to be the same person, Peter Greengrass (Bourne Supremacy).

Oliver Stone's World Trade Centre is also coming out in Hong Kong. When two films are done on the same materials, comparison seems inevitable. Yet, merely judging from the trailer of Stone's and United 93 (as a film - I know it's unfair yet I am pretty sure). United 93 would win many upper hands for a number of reasons.

The film is not about heroism and Americanism, which I believe are what Stone's film want to portray. United 93, as the name suggests, is a story about an airplane while World Trade Centre is not a story about the buildings (or twin towers), but about two policemen volunteering to rescue the people trapped in the building after the disaster happened. There is only one character in 93 - the plane and that's why all the passengers, crew members and even the pilots have no names. No one can remember what they are called (At least I don't).

(to be continued)

A relaxing Sunday morning - all about memories

What a rare thing to do on a Sunday morning. Having slept for just 2-3 hrs, I went to South beach with Adrian. There wasn't much sunshine (there wasn't much money in my wallet either), but just lying on the beach in the tolerable heat, reading "8 por" magazines is in fact quite a fun thing to do. He brought the latest issue of Men's Uno. I flipped it over. Gosh.

There was Mr. S. 3 whole pages on him. Youth and talent count most in our society. The article said he just got the blah blah blah award in the States for his composing flare. Wow. Brilliant. One day, I wanted the reporters to call me and have an interview of me. I dreamed on. Back to Mr. S, 這人已經升了上我的神檯, 我想我一世也會供奉他, 崇拜他. I am an athiest, but I'm always attracted. The seduction and lure of youth and talent is a very dangerous deception, one on the outside, the other inside. Song of the moment: Janice's 愛才. (last nite in M Bar, I thought about the question: should I be happy that a person 想識我, or 賞識我?)

Flipping a few more pages, I saw my ex-colleague in St Joe. God, what's wrong? I can't stand the way education as commercialized as such. It's ok to commercialize the school, but the teachers? Come on! Teachers are never good fashion models. Even if they wear Martin Margiela topdown, they only look like twats from the wanna-bes in American Next Top Model (male version). Everybody has their own goal. So long as they don't get into my way, I am fine with it (though I'll grumble on). There's an ad of Joseph Li, with the narcisstic photos of himself, about how his courses are scheduled in the coming school term. There are words: "Joseph Li and his PhD team". Fuck all those PhD. I would not want to work for such a shallow guy if I have a PhD. Knowledge is noble, but selling it by 'claiming' that you have it is cheap, very cheap.

It's Alfred's birthday today. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Alfred (from Ah B), Happy Birthday to you.

This should be the new course I will be tutoring:

CLIT 2014
Feminist Cultural Studies
Lecturer: Dr. Gina Marchetti
Year 2/3 Level / 6 Credits / 1st Semester / 100% Continuous Assessment After World War II, so-called “Second Wave” feminism ushered in a new era of cultural critique. In the United States and Europe, feminists looked closely at the established institutions of beauty, women’s work, motherhood, romance, marriage, and heterosexuality. Building on related radical traditions, socialist feminism, third world feminism, lesbian feminism, among other voices critical of the patriarchal order, began to be heard globally. This course looks at the feminist critique of culture from film theory and psychoanalytic studies to the feminist intervention in cultural studies, postmodernism, and queer studies. Topics covered include: the social construction of femininity/masculinity, gender and performance, the beauty myth, the myth of romantic love, gender outlaws, women warriors, melodrama/the “woman’s film,” and female emancipation in the socialist imagination. Examples include clips from Hollywood films (e.g., All that Heaven Allows, The World of Suzie Wong, Mulan), European cinema (e.g., Ali: Fear Eats the Soul), Hong Kong cinema (e.g., He's a Woman, She's a Man, The Mistress), novels (e.g., Shanghai Baby, The Woman Warrior, Hong Kong Rose, Foreign Bodies), new queer cinema (e.g., Boys Don’t Cry, Far from Heaven), socialist/post-socialist cinema (e.g., Salt of the Earth, Portrait of Teresa, and Woman/Demon/Human), feminist experimental film (e.g., Daughter Rite), television (e.g., Dallas, MTV), popular music (e.g., Madonna), and the theatre (e.g., The Vagina Monologues).
Selections of Chapters or Exerpts from the Following (subject to change):Ien Ang, Watching Dallas: Soap Opera and the Melodramatic Imagination
Judith Butler, Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity
Jackie Byars, All That Hollywood Allows: Re-Reading Gender in 1950s Melodrama
Michelle Citron, Home Movies and Other Necessary Fictions
Dai Jinhua, Cinema and Desire: Feminist Marxism and Cultural Politics in the Work of Dai Jinhua
Eve Ensler, ed. The Vagina Monologues
Molly Haskell, From Reverence to Rape: The Treatment of Women in the Movies bell hooks, Black Looks: Race and Representation
Sheng-mei Ma, The Deathly Embrace: Orientalism and Asian American Identity
Gina Marchetti, Romance and the Yellow Peril”: Race, Sex, and Discursive Strategies in Hollywood Fiction
Tania Modleski, Loving With a Vengeance: Mass-Produced Fantasies for Women
Laura Mulvey, Visual and Other Pleasures
Linda Nicholson, ed. The Second Wave: A Reader in Feminist Theory
Janice Radway, Reading the Romance: Women, Patriarchy and Popular Literature
Adrienne Cecile Rich, Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution
Gloria Steinem, Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions
Sue Thornham, Feminist Theory and Cultural Studies: Stories of Unsettled Relations
Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women
Mayfair Mei-wei Yang, Spaces of Their Own: Women's Public Sphere in Transnational China

End of August, another attack of the menustral syndrome. I already missed my period last month, so I am less prepared today than usual. Perhaps driven by loneliness, I added back several people and deleted them all over again on my msn. There's one still remaining on the list - Mr. S. I guess I am tied to him as Boku is magneted to the ears of a girl he knows in Murakami's Wild Sheep Chase. He is always the one who could give me advice and talked about my academic path with me. He's really talented. Maybe subconsciously, I just want to be him. I don't, however, rule out any possibilities of jealousy hidden in the attraction.

He said something right. I just don't need to explain what I'm doing to the laymen. Sadly enough, I counted the people in my lives - 95% of them are laymen, so what can I do? I still have 1 year to go for my studies, after which I still have no idea what to do. To continue or to work? Mr. S said we have chosen the path of knowledge, which is very noble. Yes, it sounds grand, but it's also very lonely as well. One thing I am different from him is that he is really connected to the people working in the academia, media and the cultural hub. I basically know nobody. His talent is just at least 10 times more than mine. Maybe, his fate is better predetermined than mine as well. Looking back, being a 27 man, I still can't guarantee a better living for my parents. They have both done a lot to raise me as who I am. I just feel bad that I can't do anything much to return at the moment. If I am to go further academically, they may be dead already when I am able to secure their standard of living. By that time, only words of regret will remain forever in my heart.

It's a noble yet lonely path. How long should I keep walking? Frustrated.

Course to be tutored: Feminist Cultural Studies

Waiting for some news from Korea conference, Scope, Senses of Cinema and Xu Xi. Could the editors of scope and senses work faster? I am going to withdraw my submission anyway if I don't hear news from them within the first 2 weeks.

Ok Ok Ok. That's the end of my teaching life. I hate spending my time with kids that have no hearts to learn. I hate those Band 3 Kids. Just trash. Sorry for being too mean. But they are nothing but trash. You may say I am not a good teacher, yes. I can only teach smart kids, and make them smarter. For those trashy ones, sorry, no one can help you. Your life is so fucking over. Form 1 kids who don't know how to spell: shoes, black, white, neck, front (do not know the meaning of 'in front of' and girl).... what have you done in the previous 6 years? Don't cry when you get your HKCEE results because you simply deserve it.

Original dictation passage:

She is a slim, middle aged woman of about 50. She has long, wavy hair. She is wearing a necklace and she has her hands clasped in front of her. She is neatly-dressed in a black and white spotted blouse and a smart skirt. She is wearing black high-heeled shoes.

She is average height. She is a teenage girl. She has fair, curly hair with a bow in it. She has her hands by her sides. She is untidily-dressed. She is wearing a dirty, plain tee-shirt, old, baggy trousers and a pair of sandals.

Look at the following dictation passage of a F. 1 Band 3 kid:

She is a sleep, middle-eged rm for
She has long hair, She is wearing a necklace and she has her hand caps in front of her. She is neatly-dressed in a back and wited sbteed. hang and a smant girl. She is wearing back Ih heeled shoes.

She is averes hates. She is avteivn girl. She has cveon awe hair, with blow and eat. She has her hands by her sides. She is unthird dress. She is wearing a dirty, play T-shirt, old, blgay chites and pandy of studos.

My comments: What language were you writing in? Terrible.
32 mistakes --> 32x3. The dictation received 4 points out of 100. Fucking TWAT!

Besides this fucking twat, there is another cuntishly stupid girl. She is such a quiet girl, so shy that she only speaks one word when you ask her 10 questions. Maybe she is deaf. This is her work. I will praise her for being creative in making a new era of education more challenging to teachers:

She is slime, middle-aged womam, about 50. She has long wavy hair, She is _____ a _____ and _____ her hans ____ in form fo her. She is ______ dresser, She ____ in a bark and wither ____. is a ______. She is _____ shoes.

She is ____. She is a ____ girl. Sha har ______, Clavy hair, with u with _____. She has her _____, She is undirty deresser. she is a _____, _____ Isiter. old, ____ and a hair of c_____.

After reading the following news, I can't help posting a new entry for two of my most hated artists in Hong Kong:

【東方日報專訊】關心妍(新聞 - 網站 - 圖片)（Jade）前晚和鄧麗欣(新聞 - 網站 - 圖片)（Stephy）為葉文輝（啤梨）的演唱會作綵排，Jade收到啤梨送的Melody卡通公仔睡衣，但她嫌款式太老土 (What a tasteless gift! But does that mean Jade doesn't think she's 老土????? She definitely is!!!!)，Jade不諱言偏愛性感的透視喱士睡衣 (No, thanks. You can give it to yourself!!!!)，更不介 意和啤梨十指緊扣唱情歌 (YUCK)。

中国女排 is over?
周苏红 has torn her lingament! Sigh... I guess the team could not make it to the top 3 anymore in this year's 大奖赛.

The following is my 名单 of the official players:
Setters: 冯 坤 宋妮娜
Spikers: 杨 昊, 李 娟, 楚金玲, 王一梅, 张越红
Libero: 张 娜
Middleblockers: 刘亚男, 薛 明, 徐云丽
Back 2: 李 珊

Just let 李 娟 and 楚金玲 substitute 李 珊.

李 珊 is lucky this time. Cherish the chance and stop being lousy!

Also, as I predict, the top 3 team of this year's 大奖赛 would be as follows:

Champion: Brazil
First runner-up: Russia
Second runner-up: Italy
Fourth place: China
Fifth place: Cuba

話事人 and Everyday Life

Johnnie To's Election 1 and 2 are stories about electing the 話事人 within a triad group in Hong Kong named Woo Shing Society. It seems that 話事人 is only concerned in the circle of criminal activities and underground gangsters; yet, it's not entirely true. In our everyday life, we can't escape from the notion of 話事人 as well. Anson Chan and Donald Tsang are both competiting to be the next 話事人of Hong Kong in 2007. Whoever wins or loses can't certainly be predicted; or does it really matter when most of us believe neither could possibly make a big change in HK. Not speaking about politics, we all want to, or need to be a 話事人 in some occasions as well, not that we need to be the 'person-in-charge', but it's all about us being the one and the only one.

When Big D (Leung Kar-fai-) proposed to co-chair the Wo Shing Society with Lok (Simon Yam) at the end of Election 1, he was hit numerously by a huge piece of rock. The same crisis also appears in Election 2, when Kun (Lam Ka-tung) proposes to sit for the election against Lok by the side of the lake. Both men exchanged glances and let the silence tell the audience to reveal the hidden tension. The message is obvious - no man would allow anyone to compete with them. We all want to be the one and the only one. Isn't love also about this as well? Who would allow a third person, or even more, in their relationship? I am talking about love, as the pure passion, a sort of committment, by excluding sex as the simply seduction driven by lust. Lust allows multiple participants - the more, the better (simultaneously, or not). Love, however, heads for the oppposite direction. We don't allow any competitors in our romantic relationships. We won't (and can't) literally remove them by making use of a piece of huge bare rock. Sadly, we have to admit that there's nothing we could do. Electing a 話事人 in any organization is always wrapped up with a result, an ending, by which one is elected to be the winner while the others will be doomed to be losers, who could not do anything anymore, but admit that it's in their fate.

One of my close friends has resumed his relationship with his lover after a temporary breakup, all because of the over-understanding and misunderstanding of a third person. Though they are now officially 'together' again, the hatred directed against the third person, the competitor of being the one and the only one has never gone. I am just tired of doing all the counselling since my patience has recently run dry in almost everything. I'd better save some time and energy on my own rather than lecturing others about their points of view, not to mention mine is not always justified. All we can do is: ask ourselves if we could possibly handle another 話事人 in our relationship. If such a person really turns up, could we dare to eliminate him/her like Lok in Election? If we can't, perhaps the only solution is not being a 話事人 ourselves as well. At this moment, a line from a song appears in my mind: "據講戀愛　都只不過是氣氛". We are engulfed in the romance for the sake of romance. The first person and third person are merely titles with empty meanings. 話事人 is also one of such titles. When you could extract romance (and power within a group or an organization), why bothers having a title? All titles are stigmata, for which a mad person would go for.

"Every lover is mad, we are told. But can we imagine a madman in love? Never." (Roland Barthes, A Lover's Discourse)

29/7 at PP
An unusual day. I woke up at 5 something in the afternoon, and started writing. I put off my plans of seeing a film with Sam, well for two purposes - slowing things down and to focus on my work. I wrote very smoothly and everything has started coming into shapes. I finished my work at around 1 something (AM!), then I headed for PP, with a mind still filled with the ideas and thoughts I was writing about in front of my laptop. Drinking and smoking - and eating dim sum. It's already nearly 6am. When I was on my way to go to 7-11 to buy a pack of Kent M3, I suddenly recalled what Shirley Kwan said in her concert video footage - "What about now?"
I thought of the meaning of what she said for a while. And I sighed.

A new film by the director of Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind.

The Science of Sleep:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/warner_independent_pictures/thescienceofsleep/med.html

I finally saw 鬼域 tonight. Sigh... I heard mixed reviews from some people around me, so I decided to give it a try. My comments? It has made the common mistakes that almost 90% of the Hong Kong (crap) films do - the director does not know how to tell a story: 說故事說不好. Acclaimed directors such as Wong Kar-wai and Stanley Kwan also have this problem. Most of the HK films only have a storyline, or even a concept, meaning they know what and when to start and what and when to end. Yet, what is between the opening and the ending is total emptiness. 2046: going to the future is exactly going back to the past; 桃色: mixing the human world with the ghost world and present the blend from the perspective of pornography, or seductiveness; Isabella: knowing a mature man by breaking the incest taboo. The concepts are all fabulous. Yet, remember, audiences do not just watch the first and last 10 mins of the movie. We need to stay in the cinema all the way through. I felt very uneasy when wacthing 鬼域. Reasons are as follows:
1. 李心潔 is a poor actress. Her acting simply slows down the pace of the whole film. She talks too slowly, with too much heart in every single line. She is reading the dialogues, yes, but the character does not speak at all;
2. Poor editing. In the abandoned world, most of the setting change are done by fading out, which means there is really no connection between them and the directors do not know how to transit from one scene to another;
3. Poor dialogues. If you rewatch the whole film again, you will realize 90% of the dialogues in the film are rubbish. They do not push the plot further. 劉兆銘 has asked 李心潔 to leave the abandoned world because it is dangerous for her. He requested as many times as 李心潔 repeatedly mentioned that she did not know how to leave AT ALL. But they still dragged on. 李心潔's daughter has declared twice they have reached the 'transit' in order to let 李心潔 go back to the human world. So, where exactly is the transit?
4. Lack of depth in characterisation. The only key characters in the film are 李心潔 and her daughter. The others... I am sorry. They should be eliminated from the editing room;
5. No Plot. I have troubles following the scenes after 李心潔 has taken the elevator to the ground floor. There are scenes after scenes fully decorated with digitalised visual effects, but why those scenes? I have seen enough of 李心潔's frustration in those scenes. I am, however, more frustrated than her. There are at least 30 mins in the film with no storyline, but just visual effects bombarding the audiences.

The climax (that the little girl is 李心潔's daughter) doesn't work for me. It's too obvious. The anti-climax works a bit. Pang brothers are too aggressive to imitate M. Night Shyamalan. Those who say 鬼域 can be compared to The Sixth Sense, The Unbreakable, Signs or even The Village, please read the scripts of these four movies and read the script of 鬼域 . I believe the script of 鬼域 does not have more than 25 A4 pages.

I have questions though:
1. I understand the things we abandon in this world will go to the abandoned world. The so-called 鬼域 , a dimension of ghosts, is just a dimension of things that we leave behind. Then, why would these things be recycled and suddenly disappear and be turned into ashes?
2. If the dimension is merely about abandoned things, including ghosts, or dead people who have no one to worship them, why are there walking spirits on the bridge and hanging zombies on the trees? How are they abandoned? Is it really Hell or a world of abandonment?
3. There seems to be two 李心潔s in the film - a fictional character and the writer 李心潔. If the happenings in the abandoned world are written by the author, why would the non-existing fictional character wake up in the bed of the real author and they can both each other?

P.S. please don't use 繾綣 anymore. It has been a cliche. Yes it was cool when 周禮茂 used these two chinese words to write a song for Shirley Kwan. But it was in 1992. I can't believe 14 years later, there are still people thinking that this term is romantic.
________________________________________________________________

Recently, I have absolutely no mood for anything. Writing: bad; volleyball: bad; pool/snooker: bad; communication: bad; sleeping: bad; tuition: bad; organization: bad; creativity: bad; temper: bad; singing: bad. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

All I do these days now is like 鄭秀文 in 我左眼見到鬼: "eating, drinking, sleeping and watching TV"

Today I decided to go out: wanting to eat at HO HUNG GEI, but I needed to share a table with two other men (who also came separately). I looked at their eyes. Weird change of gazes. At that point, I realized that people who eat out alone have strange looks. Then I went to GUM潮. I jumped into Joseph and Alpha (my two ex-students). They ate with me and then I convinced them to see the movie with me (even though I bought a ticket for myself already beforehand in UA Time Square - Seat I 2). We went to play snooker after the film. When I was having my most lonely times, there are always my ex-students with me. Is it a sign that I should go back to teach? I know I won't. Please don't make me do.

To Jason:
The quote is from an interview done by James O'Higgins titled "Sexual Choice, Sexyal Act"

J.O'H: I'm reminded of Cassanova's famous expression that "the best moment in life is when one is climbing the stairs." One can hardly imagine a homosexual today making such a remark.
M.F.: Exactly. Rather, he would say something like: "the best moment of love is when the lover leaves in the taxi."

1. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
2. Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
3. I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
4. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . .I want to achieve it through not dying.
5. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
6. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
7. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
8. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
9. Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
10. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
11. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
12. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
13. Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend.
14. Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic ...
15. Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
16. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
17. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
18. The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
19. The only way to be happy is to love to suffer.
20. 'To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
    
    

ASAP

Just now, I had a conversation with a friend on msn. I asked him if he's dating. Yes, he said. Then he asked me the same question. I answered, 'As single as possble.' Another asap.

I was trying to clear up the websites I bookmarked on my browser. I discovered my sister's blog. She wrote an entry on my grandma on the day she passed away, a very touching piece. I didn't prepare to cry today. I did, anyway.

I woke up at 3 today because I stayed up to watch the whole football match the previous night. Then I hurried back to the library and did my research. Going into the library when the sun was still there and coming out in complete darkness always gives me a romantic feeling. It also makes me feel that I have worked for a 'whole' day. Then I went to a bookstore to buy a copy of Superman Returns for my student on Wednesday's tuition. Honestly, I prefer not to do it anymore. Going to his home for lesson just reminds me of the days I worked in SJC. What the fuck.

I was trying to call up some friends for dinner, none of them was available. In fact, I just called two. I gave up then. I am not the kind of dine-out-for-five-days-a-week person. I seldom eat out with my friends now. In the past, I used to call Atom, Tommy Lo or Charles. Now, I don't anymore. I don't know why. I did try hard to figure out what to eat alone in Causeway Bay. I gave up again. I just went to Sogo and bought a Japanese ramen and some mircowave curry potato balls (I don't know what they are called) and went straight home to cook.

People say I have many friends. Very wrong. Whoever says this proves that s/he is not my friend. I spend 80% of a week's time alone (including my bed time). The remaining 20% goes to family and volleyball nights. Waking up every day, eating alone, thinking of what to eat alone, when to see a movie alone, buying vcds to watch alone, sunbathing alone, swimming alone, shopping alone. The world seems to constitute of many dimensions, in each of which only 1 person lives all by him/herself. Seriously speaking, my phone could not ring for days.

The other thing I hate people say about me is: 'you are 花心'. Someone said this last week. I deleted him from my msn at once. Charles said I over-reacted, which I could not deny. But I was pissed off. Saying things to me as if you were not is another ridiculous thing in the world, similar to the fact that I needed to pay HK$240 to apply for the non-means loan from the government (why do we need to pay money to loan for more money? Doesn't the act that we applying for money signify that we don't have any more money?). Another person on my msn said tonight: 'I don't think you want a long term relationship.' What can I say? I simply replied: 'fuck off.' Go on to stereotype me. Whatever. I was clearing up my friendster and msn these days, deleting people by a number of criteria. I don't need such people in my life anymore simply because they don't need me at the first place. Usual chit-chat and meaningless conversations nearly fill up most of our time. I just can't afford any. In fact, there isn't any in mine. Maybe I do really scare people away.

July

My missions in July:

1. Stop spending money
2. Stop spending money
3. Stop spending money
4. Stop spending money
5. Stop spending money
6. Stop spending money
7. Stop spending money
8. Stop spending money
9. Stop spending money
10. Write the new chapter for my thesis - Will Self's Cock and Bull, in relation to D&G (Deleuze and Guattari's deterritorialization and reterritorialization of desire) and Ovid's + Kafka's Metamorphosis.

Shit. I need to give tuition next week. I don't know what to teach at all. Sigh. I don't wanna go back to the secondary level. Crying~~

In response to Kerr's lastest xanga entry (I tried to leave a comment there. After I typed in everything, I realised I needed to have my own xanga account. Stupid):

As I always believe, Kerr, Time is never on time itself.

We, as human being, like other incidents, are always either (too) early or (too) late for the right moment of time, simply because time itself is never on time. Time, in this sense, is both the first and third agent to make things happen. For something to take place, an agent and an object are necessary; the time that comes on time is a catalyst and the ultimate circumstantial factor. That's why we have a thing called timing. Time, as an agent, is different from time, as a concept. How many times have we said that Nicholas is not really Nicholas, or Kerr is not acting like the Kerr I know. We, as beings, may act different from what we are supposed to have been. There is a presupposition and a verification - to be justified by the actions of the present in comparison with our memories of the past.

Time, in this way, will also deviate and misbehave.

She taught me how to play mahjong. What an elightener. She has always been adorable and worry-free, and will always be. In memory of her (1918-2006).

我過去那死黨早晚共對各也紮職以後沒法暢聚
而終於相約到但無言共對疏淡如水
日夜做見爸爸剛好想呻
卻霎眼看出他多了皺紋
而他的蒼老感 是從來未覺太內疚擔心
最心痛是 愛得太遲
有些心意 不可等某個日子
盲目地發奮 忙忙忙其實自私
夢中也習慣有壓力要我得知

最可怕是 愛需要及時只差一秒
心聲都已變歷史 忙極亦放肆
見我愛的見雙至 要抱要吻怎麼也好
偏要推說要等一下次

我也覺我體質仿似下降 看了症得到是別要太忙
而影碟都掃光但從來未看 因有事趕
日夜做儲的錢都應該夠 到聖誕正好講
跟我白頭 誰知她開了口 未能挨下去
己恨我很久

錯失太易 愛得太遲
我怎想到 她忍不到那日子
盲目地發奮 忙忙忙從來未知
幸福會掠過 再也沒法說鍾意

愛一個字 也需要及時只差一秒
心聲都己變歷史 為忙未放肆
見我愛見的雙至 要抱要吻要怎麼也好
不要相信一切有下次 相擁我所愛又花幾多秒
這幾秒 能夠做到又有多少 未算少
足夠遺憾忘掉 多少抱憾 多少過路人
太懂估計 卻不懂愛錫自身 人人在發奮
想起他朝都興奮 但今晚未過 你要過也很吸引

縱不信運 你不過是人 你想很遠愛於咫尺卻在等
來日別操心 趁你有能力開心
世界有太多東西發生 不要等到天上苦困

Just got the email from a girl called Emily Fung. She happened to bring me the bad news about the Canadian Chamber of Commerce Short Story Competition. I lost, not even on the honorable mention list. I was quite confident indeed, yet it proves I am not up to that level. I planned to do some reading tonight. Now, the mood is gone. I just want to do nothing.

What is Southern Comfort?

It is the wine that Mr. Chow taught me to drink with 7-up, all the way back in the summer of 1999. Venue: California in LKF. Since then, every now and then, it has been the standard drink I order in bars.

It is also the name of a film I wanted to see for a long time. I finally get it, thanks to Roger. I will watch it tonight.

I jumped into Atom accidentally in the new HMV in CWB. We went to Pokka cafe for a tea. I have not seen him for a while. Some time was needed for warming up the conversation. We talked about YI HEY, well actually only I did.

Two great discoveries:
1. Roger helped me buy the DVD of Happiness (1998) in the States. I used to have the Vcd but it's nowhere to be found at home now (perhaps it's because of my sister who has a habit of displacing and re-placing stuff, especially my treasures - books, vcds, dvds and cds). I wanted to watch it again simply because of Me and You and Everyone I know. Both films have so much in common - about people living in the postmodern world, a lonely and alienating life and every one of us has deep down something bizzare, either sexually or habitually. I've never seen a movie as disturbing yet humorous and appalling. I highly recommend it. You can get it in HMV.

2. I bought the magnificent The Faber Book of Smoking, edited by James Walton at Page One.
It has all the passages from speeches, essays, screenplays, novels, poems, whatever in print that concerns cigarettes. Some of the passages are amazing, such as:

"because non-smokers were becoming increasingly irritating, and the only way I could distance myself from them was to light up"

From Martin Amis's London Fields (1989): "On the wall was a sign bearing the saddest words Keith had ever read: NO SMOKING."

Thank you for smoking.

So pass like this the best dating nights in this month. Nothing caused a big change, or brought a huge surprise. There were, however, some small ones - yet foggy and did not lead me to anywhere. Perhaps, that's the best my luck could do with me. Not that I can't survive alone. Listen, those who are strong-willed and who think I am too dependent on romance. Love is very much like a sunny weather. It makes our days better by creating a cheerful and positive environment. When it rains, life is still livable, but time is intensely heavy.

July... Am I really meant to travel after 7 July?

像青春一樣, 一個人的運是會耗盡的.

When you are losing on the mahjong table, all you could is to 守 - until the time your luck returns. No one knows when. Every tile you play will make you lose, whether they are a safe play or a risky one. When you are doomed to lose, you will lose even you make no mistakes. The question is how long one can hold onto it and how patient one could be.

就算失收　始終要守.

Charles and I believe that every one has their own quota on love.
I want to know mine.

ANG LEE and me

I can't believe that it is one the website: http://bc.cinema.com.hk/zh/focus.jsp

The first question was asked by me!! I was too nervous and mumbled a lot! Gosh! Who wouldn't be nervous when they had a chance to talk to such a big figure?


問：
My question goes to Director Lee, I'm very interested in the process of adaptation, how do you manage to add so many details and so many colors to the story?
李：
其實這是一個很漫長的過程，adaptation的第一步是Larry McMurtry做的，他是比原著作者名氣還要大的，寫西部的專家，小說裡有的他完全保存，女人的部份他加了很多新的戲，他把情節很出色的描出來，結構也把拉出來，拍的時候我有很多意見，所以我跟他們改寫，我跟著兩位大師學習，自己也做很多研究，到懷俄明那地方考察，與當地人談，學習牛仔的東西，對我幫助最大的除了他們以外，就是照片，還有文學方面；我最不要看的是西部片，因為對我來說是一種障礙…… 做這個片最有意思是它是一個“period piece in a timeless place”，在這個地方你好像看不到時間，外面的東西好像跟它沒多大關係，但它是一個period piece，一個古裝劇，這個東西很難把握。
_________________________________________________________________

I place the bet today. Waiting...

It's really hard to define 義氣: stand by you and back you up all the time? guide you and be there whenever you need them? counsel you and stop you from doing the wrong thing? Well, it's even more difficult to find and English equivalent. All of the descriptions depend on 'actions'.

義氣 is defined by actions and redefined by not taking any, which is 沒義氣.

Am I just too demanding on my friends? 'Friend' is already a term ambiguous enough. Claiming to be one and really acting to be one makes a hell of differences.

Let's look at the literal definitions of this elusive term (extracted from http://www. dictionary.com)

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement.

Most people interpret the term by using the second definition! Can't you even see?

I like my friends, all of them. I believe that mutual likeness and likeliness are the factors that initiate a friendship. Comradeship has become extinct in today's society. Back in war times, men are willing to die for each other, sacrificing their blood and body. Typical examples would be D.H. Lawrence's Women in Love and Johnnie To's Election.

Gay people just focus too much on the artifacts, on the surface, nothing deep down could grasp their attention, even the way to define 'friends'. Someone just alerted me on msn on the term "義氣" - gay people are women, they don't know such a thing. Very right.

This week is going to be my reading week. I hope I can pick up some books I want to read but yet I don't have time for. I guess I will write a few articles, short ones, not academic, but insightful.

The food of today is: 鍋貼

Movie reviews

1. Me and You and Everyone I know - B++
2. Scary Movie 4 - D
3. My Date with Drew - B
4. The Omen - C-

After 6 Easts of GM, I finally got home at around 9. I bought my breakfast at McDonald's (known as M-C-Donald, according to someone). Yet, the coke was spilt over the entire breakfast case. Whatever. 好的一餐, 不好的又一餐.

Before I fell into a long coma. I asked myself: Why would people love me? The ultimate big question. People around me are all dating, which does not bother me at all. I am happy for them, just that in certain tiny split of seconds, the sense of loneliness would irritate me. 我心眼少, 想法多. After I have finished the new chapter on my thesis, I finally have the time to experience the pleasure of this tiny pain. Such kind of time is a luxury in life.

"Nobody ever died of a broken heart. You'll get over it." (Written on the Body, Jeanette Winterson)

My sister is in love. They are sweetly in love in their apartment I have not yet visited. They have a world of their own. She told me they have a common goal of working in Taiwan. Common goal, another luxury I have not yet shared and found with the one for me.

27. Looking into the mirror, things have changed. 我老化了. 老化 is different from 老. 老化 means decaying, a loss of something which you can't retrieve. 老 simply means not young. I am 27, still very young.

He knows how to drive and has a good taste of living. He is in love. He is caring, independent, sincere and mature. He is in love. He wears Dior Homme and makes a reputation of being so. He is in love. He manages to find another one to stop being the third party in a relationship. He is in love. He has been suspected to have an affair. Numerous breakups were said. He is still in love. He decided to dump his boyfriend because he thought he deserved someone better. But they are dining tonight with him tonight. He is in love. He has been finding the most simple mode of love, but ending up moving from one person to another. He is in love, I guess. He loved another one besides his boyfriend and lied to others that he has never been serious with him. He is in love, I guess. He works in IT, looks young (he is young). He is stylish and looks Japanese. He is in love.

As a 27 man, I do seem to lack many things - I don't know how to drive, not to mention owning a car. I don't have savings in my bank account. I don't have a stable and foreseeable future with a well-paid job (even my mom is worried about it). I don't dress up, in fact, i gave up dressing up. Fuck it, you know I despise such materialistic measurements on how one should live. I only have countless books and DVDs at my home. I don't even know what I should do with my studies after I'm 30. I was told to support my family and looked for a well-paid job. Money is not my concern. It has never been. It is just a point of nuisance to me.

I seem to have found myself after I started my studies all over again. This self I believe I have is never agreeable by outsiders. Either I am really myself, or I am the one that others seem to expect me to be. I am happy and desperate at the same time. Enjoying my solitude and in need of something to be complete.

自問自己幾好　
有怨不報
離別我　離別好
自問健康幾好　
眼看得到強健到　
明明吞了剃刀　
都要上路

情人離開　
仍然永遠記得進步　
情人難保　
我已很堅強　
於谷底　玩跳高

可惜好想咳一聲　
卻又咳不到　
有話講得出聽不到　
要告不告　
要吐不吐　
難道為掛念你患上感冒　

原本想狠狠咳一咳　
卻又咳不到　
有罪然而無被告　
你怎麼不見人　
我太長情　
或太疲勞　
或者太用腦　
或欠擁抱

Coming out on 29 August 2006. Awaiting.
From Publishers Weekly: Starred Review.Reviewed by Lily Tuck

One of my favorite Haruki Murakami stories is "The Elephant Vanishes"—part of an earlier collection published in 1991—in which the narrator watches as an elephant in a zoo grows smaller and smaller until finally the elephant disappears. No explanation is given, there is no resolution, the vanished elephant remains a mystery at the same time that the narrator's life is changed forever.Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, Murakami's new collection of 25 stories, many of which have appeared in the New Yorker and other publications, also describes these epiphanic instances. In the title story, a character who is half deaf, alludes to a John Ford movie, Fort Apache, in which John Wayne tells the newly arrived colonel that if he actually saw some Indians on his way to the fort that means there weren't any. Everything is a bit off—including of course the blind willow trees whose pollen carry flies that burrow inside a sleeping woman's ears—as in a dream, where explanations are always lacking but where interpretations are plentiful. In "Mirror," the narrator sees someone who appears to be both himself and not himself in a mirror and then finds out the mirror does not exist; the disaffected woman—a lot of Murakami's characters are handicapped or incapacitated in some physical way—in "The Shinagawa Monkey," loses her own name; in "Man-Eating Cats," the narrator's girlfriend disappears and as he searches for her finds that "with each step I took, I felt myself sinking deeper into a quicksand where my identity vanished." Murakami's stories are difficult to describe and one should, I think, resist attempts to overanalyze them. Their beauty lies in their ephemeral and incantatory qualities and in his uncanny ability to tap into a sort of collective unconscious. In addition, a part of Murakami's genius is that he uses images as plot points, going from image to image, like in the marvelous story "Airplane," where, while making love, the narrator imagines strings hanging from the ceiling and how each one might open up a different possibility—good and bad. It is clear that Murakami is well acquainted with the teachings of Buddhism, western philosophies, Jungian theory; he has a deep knowledge of music and, also, I have been told, is a dedicated, strong swimmer. In his stories, he roams freely and convincingly through all these elements (and no doubt many more) without differentiating to create a world where cats talk and elephants disappear. In the introduction to this collection, Murakami writes how, for him, writing a novel is a challenge and how writing short stories is a joy—these stories are a joy for his readers as well.Lily Tuck's most recent novel, The News from Paraguay, won the 2004 National Book Award. Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

I am very tired recently. Finishing my chapter, I decide to take a few days off and recharge myself. There's always something I want to do apart from my research. Perhaps, write a few short articles and try my luck by sending them to Senses of Cinema.

I just don't want to communicate with people. For those whom I have been talking with, don't worry, I will keep finding you. For those who occasionally jump into my life, sorry, I need a break, a break-through. Don't wanna either clarify or explain myself. If you know me, you get it. I am not worried if communication would break down because I should not have communicated with them at the first place. I just get back to the intensity of zero. I have nothing to lose.

“黎耀辉，让我们重新开始。”

Happy Together 6 in 1 Ten Years' anniversay Edition.

I bought it finally!

Only twats and lunatics would buy such a commdified item. Yes, it's me!

Discomfort and jealousy just possessed me for the whole afternoon. I could not think of any ways to relieve myself. I bought a couple of DVDs and VCDs (some films I have seen but now I would like to write about them during the summer - I decide not to idle anymore in July and August). When I was about the pay at the cashier, the huge red box caught my gaze. Yes, it's you.

I have seen the film for more than 8 times on cable. It's the best of Wong, I would say. The Europeans and Americans are too focused on In the Mood for Love and 2046. I believe my eyes and my taste.

I also got mom to Commerical Bookstore to buy a few books with her HK Bank credit card, which means I have discounts on them, and most importantly - I don't need to pay. I plan to read a lot during the summer. My starting point is Umberto Eco's The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana. At p. 75 (out of 458 pages).

My recent favorite song: 戀愛盲 (梁漢文)


愛情有幾何於身邊穿梭　
最後留下我　不
為何全部都因我　
心眼小　想法多
如沒法像最愛的那個
寧願白白讓對象遊蕩過　


好友多全部有事也會找上我
到閒來無事似熟人路過　
不為何其實都因我　找愛戀　
怎預我全沒秘密最後變成姊妹　
慰問我

Woke up at 6 something. I slept for a slightly more than 3 hrs, and I turned in bed. I was awake. I knew I couldn't get back to my dreams. I decided to wake up. What's good to return to nightmares and let them continue to haunt you?

I resumed the never-ending chapter of my thesis, hoping to fully shape it as the first draft by this week. I had McDonald's hot cakes for breakfast, bought a spinach and cheese pizza for lunch, a pack of Kent M-3 and a caramel machitatto at Starbucks. On my way home, it suddenly rained. I was soaked wet. I felt refreshed. Today is my vegetarian day to mourn the death of my adorable grandma. I wonder if she has enoug money down there. Maybe Hell is also as capitalist as our existing world. So far we have not burnt anything for her. It's hard to live on earth and in hell with no money, I conclude.

有時候 有時候 我會相信一切有盡頭
相聚離開 都有時候
沒有甚麼會永垂不朽

5:41am, 5 June 2006. Still awake.

Having read too much Deleuze and Guattari, my head was on the edge of explosion. I bought the DVD of Il Mare and watched it again just now.

Two people with two years apart falling in love with each other. How romantic.

"Il mare" means the sea. The sea carries the horizon with it. You see it from a distance, but when you near, it disappear. The finite simply isn't there. Il Mare is always my top 10 favourite films of all time. I used to have its soundtrack but I forgot where I put it. It's simply romantic. It has one of the best smoking scenes in the contemporary cinema (the best is Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf smoking hand-rolled cigarettes in The Hours; the second best is the end shot of Andy Lau smoking with a bald head and dressed as a monk in Running on Karma).

I can't wait to see the Hollywood adaptation.

There is only one word that can describe her music - Ethereal. The spirit of her music is not the song, but her voice. Her voice carries the song, not the other way round. I never like the lyrics in her songs. They have no meaning at all. Yet, the chemistry of her music relies on this meaninglessness. If the words are too solid and too out-spoken by themselves, the ether will be ruined, but not maintained.

If she doesn't say anymore, we can give up our ears - a body that could detect no more sound.

Everybody is going to Thailand!

Three pairs of people I know are going to Thailand this weekend. I also want to go. I have never gone for a trip with my friends - that's strange. I did it with my family. I did it with my ex-es twice (one bad trip and the other average). I had working trips (half work; half play). I went to the States with my classmates when I was year 1.

I want to go to somewhere and when I depart, I don't know when I am coming back. I want to see the world and experience life. I want to try different food and listen to another language. I want some companions.

My life these days are okay, if you ask me. There's no serious work and no bad news. But people like me always try to pick the bones from an egg. I still feel stressed, believe me? haha. I hate appointments. I hate deadlines. I just want to do whatever I do and go wherever I go. I am a very ad-hoc person.

My sleeping problems come back. I could not sleep at all at night and wake up very very very late every day. I have dreams, very bad ones - either me dying or someone else. Gosh, what is my own unconscious doing?

My parents suddenly went to China today and my sister has moved out. I should enjoy my peace, but it seems that I am not. When I am at home, I am either doing my thesis or smoking. Sometimes, I want to do both, sometimes, neither. I just want to go to somewhere else with someone, now.

Have a nice trip, you all.

Jean Anouilh's comments on the first production of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot in 1953: "Nothing happens, nobody comes, nobody goes, it's terrible."

Nicholas Wong's comments on his own life since 1979: "Something happens, somebody comes, somebody goes, it's still more terrible."

A scene of the play (p.68):

Estragon: (having tired in vain to work it out). I'm tired! (Pause.) Let's go.

Vladimir: We can't.

Estragon: Why not?

Vladimir: We're waiting for Godot.

Estragon: Ah! (Pause. Despairing.) What'll we do, what'll we do!

Vladimir: There's nothing we can do.

好, 我等............

From Jacques Lacan (Four Fundamental Concepts of Psycholanalysis), p. 103:







"When, in love, I solicit a look, what is profoundly unsatisfying and always missing is that - You never look at me from the place from which I see you. Conversely, what I look at is never what I wish to see."

Can it be more true?

A Quote from Roger Phang

He pushed the affirmative further, by saying:
"Every law is specific. NO law is not specific. Can you tell me which law is ambiguous, except the Basic Law?"

The Atonement of Debaters

One of my achievements (at least I am proud of it) in St Joseph's is helping the school win the championship in Singtao Interschool Debate Competition twice, consecutively. Although I could not claim the victory and all the glory solely on my own, I did make an effort. I spotted the kids and raised them and passed all the days with them. I MSN-ed with them any time of a day (sometimes in late night, in the morning, or during free lessons), going through the arguments and guiding them on the right track. It's tough, very tough.

Today, we lost. As an ex-staff of the school, I felt obliged to going and supporting my kids. I made the history and I want to see its repetition, but we lost, unreasonably. I am not saying we can't lose. We can afford losing because we did lose. Yet, losing without a good reason is equivalent to the deprivation of dignity and hard work. I have to stress that failures bring positive results, sometimes, but as a 27 year-old man and as their ex-teacher, all I could say is we deserve to win and we need to insist on your ourselves.

Why did we lose then? Simply because of a bunch of experts who have no expertise in debating AT ALL. It's a shame for the Lions Club to gather such professors and doctors who are experts in the field of the motion but with no knowledge of debating. These kids debate more than you guys masturbate! Get a life! These guys are very colonial. Not surprisingly, Lions Club is a former British organization, claiming to be charitable and serving the community. This, I can't deny. Yet, being a cynic. I should proclaim - fuck your charity work, and give me some common sense.

When the announcement was made, my heart sank. I am still emotionally tied to my former work place because I loved my kids and I still do. Seeing my kids win is more than anything else. Success doesn't come easily for a 27 yr-old. So, I switch to seeing the success of other people, which makes me happier in return.

Whatever, I don't buy their comments. Kids, you have to know how to distinguish noise from a voice. Ignore the former and listen to the latter. Crappy people are everywhere, haunting us. We have to accept this. We will encounter more of them in our future.

Three years ago, I was teaching an elite class in F.3. I taught poetry, debating, film studies and the short story of Haruki Murakami. That class of students was simply amazing. I showed them a film called The Emperor's Club, in which there's a line and I want to dedicate it to the panel of adjudicators of tonight's seriously over-run debate:

Ignorance can be cured but stupidity lasts forever.

Kids, let's go to Harvard some time later. You will keep shining. Don't worry.

JOKE 1

Quotation of Nich Wong (Cite me if you're going to use it! Don't steal it!):

Ex-es are like ghosts, better invisible than visible, better not seeing than seeing.
The first line you say to a ghost (through a psychic), or to an ex (hopefully without a psychic)s, is probably the same:
"How are you doing there?"

Joke: To catch up with the previous line. The story goes like this:

A teacher is teaching a student English.
"Remember to say 'How are you doing?' when you meet your friends!" said the teacher.
"Then what will they answer?" the student asked.
"They will probably say 'Me? Good!'" the teacher replied.

But the student is too stupid that he remembers only partly of what the teacher has said. He repeats the followings in his everyday practice:

"Who are you doing?"
"Me? Good!"

Wong Kar-wai at Cannes Film Festival, May 2006

伶仃
並沒有想等的口訊　叫孤獨有節目　差點開心到哭讓我屈服　有甚麼都覺得心足只恐拒絕便折福寂寞也許都只因我　太揀擇過路人　怎可能誘惑滿腦空白　怨地呼天也講資格想因某人哭濕過手帕 我問良心　(瞞著良心)　為免孤獨誰都合襯　偶爾更寂寞都不要緊　再別疑心　(無謂疑心)　閉起這雙眼才能親一個吻　然後多麼渴望原來某君極深得我心 只怕難捱的是我　甚麼手也拖　將更難過　這點我最清楚　伶仃得我這一個　或者總好過　做情侶　然後我自己卻未愛過 然後大家互相對坐　都不敢對望然後發現他也未愛過

Masturbation Theory

Let me make one bold assumption - Everyone loves themselves most. What I am going to do is not to prove this statement (as I believe it can't be wrong anyhow / it is true to a certain extent), but I want to illustrate why and how we end up like this.

The key act that leads to this assumption is that we all have masturbated. As I have quoted in my previous blog, Marquez says that sex is the possible consolation one can have when s/he doesn't have love. Then, if I am allowed to further, masturbation would be another piece of condolescene when sex with others is not even a possible choice. The basic difference between masturbation and sex is distinct - you do the former all by yourself (sometimes with various visuals) and the latter with another person (or sometimes more than 1 person, or with other objects in the case of fetishism). Supposedly, sex can sublimate the participants on the emotional level through coporeal embodiment. Upon organsms, each of them will feel more attached to each other in the way that their souls tend to detach from the coporeality and they would feel that they merge together on a surrealistic level. It is often heard that good sex leads to better relationships. I guess it's the merge of the souls during the post-sexual stage that makes this happen. Now, what I want to make clear is that it's not the agents you have sex with that brings one to such an ecstatic level, it's the orgasm(s) that one experiences.

Orgasms also occur in masturbation. Then during the precise moments when sexual climaxes occur, whose souls are going to emerge? It's even more obvious - the soul of oneself will engulf and merge with itself. It's self-destruction in a sense but also a form a construction in another. One loves oneself more as his/her soul merges with its own. Then here comes another question: if two individuals love each other more and more just because of their ever-improving and satisfying sexual activity, then will masturbation come to the same result? Yes and no. No because masturbation to some people is a rather standardized activity, which undergoes the same time, place and procedures. Another insider-point-of-view, however, suggests that masturbation is organic itself since it involves emotions and feelings intiated within the body. In other words, such things are usually out of our control. We can control how our hands hold a fork and knife, or how we can move our feet around when dancing. But we can never control our heartbeats, breathing and when (not) to sweat. In other words, the excitement and sublimation brought by masturbation cannot be controlled and guarded. It is in this sense that masturbation is organic and ever-changing. This ever-changingness, therefore, brings us differences and we, human beings, yearn for differences and variations, which, in return, push us to perform an action. It is also such a nature that we keep masturbating and hence we love ourselves more and more. In short, masturbation makes us more narcissitic. For people who are lonely and out of love, they may find it more difficult to find a new one as they unconsciously love themselves more and more. Self-loving is a form of self-protection. Being out of love can prevent oneself from being hurt by an outside agent. For people who are in love, which means they may have constant sex with their partner and sometimes when their partner is not available, mastubation may come as a 'consolation', they would double the degree of self-loving but they just do not notice it. The reason is simple, they have a partner already. The partner acts as a shield to cover the self-loving action and their attention is directed towards the partner instead of the self. When they break up, they theoretically experience a double loss - the loss of the partner and the loss of the self. The second loss appears because they put their self into the partner in a romantic relationship. They are forced to withdraw their self from the outsider back to him/herself and they are not used to doing so because they tend to place the self into another person. Is it not what all of us do in love? We take out our 'self' and put it into another corpus. And thanks to this double loss, they need time to recover. A short while is needed to mourn for the loss of the partner. Yet a long period of time is required for the loss and the return of the damaged self, depending on how much of your 'self' is put into your partner. This explains why some people move on more quickly than other people. For people who find a new partner shortly after a relationship, they are rather self-absorbed and they did not really devote a true self into another person.

This masturbation theory will make more sense in two incidents. First, when we were young, when we still did not know masturbation existed, we were overjoyed almost every day. We call them the good old days. Once masturbation is carried out, the desire and the sexual drive introduce us to the possibility of romance and being fulfilled by another person. This initiates the vicious cycle. To simply put, happiness exists in the pre-masturbation days in the sense that the sense of loss is ruled out. That explain why we all want to go back to our childrenhood (this excludes the possibilities that some particular traumas have happened to some people when they were children). Second, monks living in solitude are peaceful. I always question whether they are allowed to masturbate. I guess not. They are excluded from the sexual and hence the possible loss of the self and other becomes impossible. This is how they transcend themselves to a non-sexual and non-material world.

City of Prostitutes

I recently had a friend visiting me from somewhere. I forgot where he came from as I did not pick him up at the airport. All I knew was he spoke a different language. Anyway, I took the opportunity to show him around my home city known as City D worldwide. In the underground train, he asked me what activities the people in City D usually did. I shot him a blank gaze and answered: sleeping, eating, clubbing, working, wasting their time and having sex. He then laughed a bit and looked into another direction, avoiding my sight. I wonder why he laughed and looked away. Is it that the people in his hometown have a different lifestyle? Or is it because he thought the people in City D wasted the time of their own lives in a trivial manner? Or did he just laugh at the point that we had sex to kill our time? I did not show my discontent towards his reaction. I just imagined things.

Fifty years from now, the government would have banned having sex (before they could do anything about smoking indoors). The government makes this stunning decision not because of the prevalence of a particular fatal bug that could spread to other individuals through different sexual acts, but that the city residents are diagnosed to be more and more lonely and isolated with the accumulation of sexual activities they engaged in. Medical practitioners claim that many people in City D do not fuck for a reason. This is what the report says: “Participating in various modes of sexual activities (including masturbation), to people of different sexual orientations, has become a daily habit for people living in City D. 87% of the respondents stated that they regarded having sex equally common and habitual as brushing teeth, showering and talking on the cell phone. 79% of them do have sex more than once a day, if not as frequently as they talk on their phones. When asked about why they had sex, an alarming 97% of interviewees could not give a solid and logical answer. They either gave a pass to the question or answered that they did not believe there was a why because they presumed it was what most people were doing and hence there was nothing wrong about it.”

The report goes on like this: “City D residents should be alerted that the purposeless but habitual sexual activities are strongly linked to the increasing cases of suicide caused by depression. The government has been trying to educate the public about the treatments and prevention of depression but the hideous linkage between the mental illness and the sudden rise of post-sexual emptiness is neglected. In order to strengthen the social unity to better the economy of City D, we need to have citizens who are more clear-minded and determined in all aspects of their lives. Therefore, evident with the data provided in this report, such a vague concept on the motivation of any sexual activities could do nothing but harm the progress of the city and it is suggested that having sex (both indoor and outdoor) should be banned.”

The government listens to the opinion given by the medical professionals and enacts the law. Anyone who violates this law will be castrated – the men will have their dicks cut off while the women will have their vaginas sown up. The residents in City D do not rebel, but a month after the law is passed, they do find it difficult to get used to living with one regular habit forcibly removed from their daily schedule. Since they do not consider having sex as a part of their civil rights, there is no massive protest and demonstration. They just take it as another case similar to the previous ban on selling poultry (both edible and inedible) in order to stop the bird flu virus from contaminating the city. Successfully, a few months later, they residents replace having sex with another leisure activity, classical Chinese calligraphy. The government is very happy about the positive response of the public and its cooperation with the city planning. However, its economy does not progress rosily as predicted. There is a huge number of prostitutes out of job and every day they line up outside different government offices to apply for social aids and bankruptcy. The news in other cities also report the situation and the government in City D is mocked at. The government admits that they have underestimated the number of underground whores in the city and suggest all the whores should form a union to come up with more concrete policies on how the government can offer help through different means. Since most of the whores are better at dealing with genitals than the brain, it is reckoned that it will take ages to negotiate with the government officials. During this period, the government has spent billions to provide the unemployed with urgent financial needs and the deficits have reached its new high. City D is now a more united city, but the people are not any happier or cheerful even though they still spend most of their time in eating, drinking, sleeping, working and Chinese calligraphy. The city itself is getting poorer and poorer and they start to worry that they could not eat what they like, liquors will become more expensive, they may need to work over-time to keep their jobs. At times when the financial situation is at risk, high culture stuff like Chinese calligraphy will become a luxury and useless. They are prepared for the worst. They will probably miss the forever-satisfying entertainment by putting their own genital into another’s body when they do not even have a dime in their pocket. This could only happen in their imagination but not in the reality. Having this thought, they will only become more devastated. Depression is bound to come back.

The train finally arrived at the station and I told my visiting friend that it was time to get off. I would bring him to see other places in City D, a place I did not know whether he liked or disliked. All I hoped was that he would not laugh and look away again like he did on the train. It was such a despising act on our local culture. To show a visitor your own city that he does not find amazing is definitely a waste of time. Don’t worry. I am used to it. Wasting time is in our daily schedule.

明年今日 - I know I will still be the same

若這一束吊燈傾瀉下來 或者我已不會存在即使你不愛　亦不需要分開若這一刻我竟嚴重痴呆跟本不需要被愛永遠在床上發夢　餘生都不會再悲哀 人總需要勇敢生存　我還是重新許願　例如學會　承受失戀　明年今日　別要再失眠　床褥都改變　如果有幸會面　或在同伴新婚的盛宴　惶惑地等待你出現　明年今日　未見你一年　誰捨得改變　離開你六十年　但願能認得出你的子女　臨別亦聽得到你講再見
在有生的瞬間能遇到你竟花光所有運氣到這日才發現　曾呼吸過空氣

I don't know this song can be such sad with her voice.