ASAP

Just now, I had a conversation with a friend on msn. I asked him if he's dating. Yes, he said. Then he asked me the same question. I answered, 'As single as possble.' Another asap.

I was trying to clear up the websites I bookmarked on my browser. I discovered my sister's blog. She wrote an entry on my grandma on the day she passed away, a very touching piece. I didn't prepare to cry today. I did, anyway.

I woke up at 3 today because I stayed up to watch the whole football match the previous night. Then I hurried back to the library and did my research. Going into the library when the sun was still there and coming out in complete darkness always gives me a romantic feeling. It also makes me feel that I have worked for a 'whole' day. Then I went to a bookstore to buy a copy of Superman Returns for my student on Wednesday's tuition. Honestly, I prefer not to do it anymore. Going to his home for lesson just reminds me of the days I worked in SJC. What the fuck.

I was trying to call up some friends for dinner, none of them was available. In fact, I just called two. I gave up then. I am not the kind of dine-out-for-five-days-a-week person. I seldom eat out with my friends now. In the past, I used to call Atom, Tommy Lo or Charles. Now, I don't anymore. I don't know why. I did try hard to figure out what to eat alone in Causeway Bay. I gave up again. I just went to Sogo and bought a Japanese ramen and some mircowave curry potato balls (I don't know what they are called) and went straight home to cook.

People say I have many friends. Very wrong. Whoever says this proves that s/he is not my friend. I spend 80% of a week's time alone (including my bed time). The remaining 20% goes to family and volleyball nights. Waking up every day, eating alone, thinking of what to eat alone, when to see a movie alone, buying vcds to watch alone, sunbathing alone, swimming alone, shopping alone. The world seems to constitute of many dimensions, in each of which only 1 person lives all by him/herself. Seriously speaking, my phone could not ring for days.

The other thing I hate people say about me is: 'you are 花心'. Someone said this last week. I deleted him from my msn at once. Charles said I over-reacted, which I could not deny. But I was pissed off. Saying things to me as if you were not is another ridiculous thing in the world, similar to the fact that I needed to pay HK$240 to apply for the non-means loan from the government (why do we need to pay money to loan for more money? Doesn't the act that we applying for money signify that we don't have any more money?). Another person on my msn said tonight: 'I don't think you want a long term relationship.' What can I say? I simply replied: 'fuck off.' Go on to stereotype me. Whatever. I was clearing up my friendster and msn these days, deleting people by a number of criteria. I don't need such people in my life anymore simply because they don't need me at the first place. Usual chit-chat and meaningless conversations nearly fill up most of our time. I just can't afford any. In fact, there isn't any in mine. Maybe I do really scare people away.