昨年今日

如果程小姐的大批是準確的話，我己經行了人生的一半。我不介意，也不太正乎。我只是想如果要我在未來的廿八年過着過去廿八年的生活，遇上差不多的人，再經歷多一次各種的人生高低，我會願意嗎？你會嚒？ 想着，想着，一切也二Ｏ四六起來。未來就是過去，現在就是當下，也只是一個timeless的中和點。

生日過得很安然，心情沒什麼大上大落。和應見的人吃過飯，收了一些禮物，喜歡與否，也會珍藏。收到了一隻馬里奥，有點不知所措，真不知反應什麼。腦裡也重覆地唱着任天堂流淚的第一句：看，馬里奥為情人蜘蛛都去擋。

今年決定用打牌的方式打去自己的生日，可惜被清櫃了。糟糕，牌太弱，對手強了！

欠缺的是還未吃生日蛋糕，沒有拍照，還未許願。本來想網上找張"28"的相，貼上來，但找不到。原來年齡是虛的，怎樣也記錄不下來，留得下來的只是28歲的我們，並不是"28"本身。我要今年更實在。

你是我一個好好好好好的好朋友。攪什麼？ 我們還在八十年代嚒？

在此僅多謝媽媽的Paul Smith Knitwear，Joseph的手寫板，Charles的Y3帽，阿Ha和阿胆的波鐘錢，Robert的一切。未見的人，我還會見，最重要的是你們還在我身邊。

不知為何, 這两天也不斷哼着＜如果你有事＞. 多么不祥! 愛突然又有效, 突然又過期, 狠心的你, 亂了的我, 仍.......... 苦戰九年, 遊歷無數, 但最終難免成為自由行, 不在意就怪了. 一想再想, 也不外乎是龍鳳大戲一場. 我可會是新光戲院或是利舞臺, 不怕有戲上演, 只怕叫好不叫座, 到最後還要清拆.雖全院滿座, 但總有散場的一刻, 只希望來看戲的把票尾好好保存, 他日如若和朋友談論過去時, 可憑票尾換取回憶, 溫故知新, 證明你也有用心看過戲, 看錯與否, 則有所保留. 但你又可知那些票尾是用來換領一隻卡地亞戒指? 忙, 忙, 忙, 我也會忙, 現在就忙給眾人看. 一句<生日快樂>本是來得自眨, 那又何來矜貴? 在圖書館裏把新書隨手翻開, 看到Samuel Beckett的作品. 我們唯有在穹蒼下共勉之:

they come
different and the same
with each it is different and the same
with each the absence of love is different
with each the absence of love is the same

From Sister:
有時候太著眼看會令人暈眩，放開點便能見廣一些。平常心是很難求，但當你發覺只有自己的心是可靠攏時；平常一點也未嘗不可。沒有人想生活得額外失落吧？！

<剩下, 光年>

"光年" 時常被人誤解.

它指距離 並非時間

時間 我時有時無

距離 才與我常在

愛不起 襯不上

對得起 但心不上

這就是差異

差異編寫距離

有距離 人才會遲到

來不及的還有時間

時間從來甚少守時

所以

我放棄了戴錶

光年 很遠 很遠

跟永恆無異

永恆是幻想 是空想 我想 我想

永恆存不存在

怎證明

因為我們永遠比時間命短

我們 只可以向前走

告訴自己前面就是了

是了 是了

到了 到了

不了也要了

很想念過去愛得瘋狂

愛得驕傲 愛得任性的日子

現在很理性

多了忌諱 少了感覺

有了目標 欠了認同

剩下 還有路要走

有多少 只有多 永無少

走得起 也要和光年

鬥命長

A stupid lady from an agent called me this morning and asked me to go to Fanling to teach a 5-week F.7 remedial course. She gave me flattery, saying that I was so capable and experienced (all of a sudden?). I said it's too far away and I'm too busy. She said she would raise the price for me. I asked for 900 for 2 hours. She said she'd consider it.

After I hung up, I realised I had to attend the postgraduate seminar every Tuesday in HKU and it clashed with the Fanling schedule. In order not to waste their time and energy on the money negotiation, I called back and told them not to bother anymore. She told me "Nevermind, we could only afford $250 per hour only". Cunt, you gotta pay for the right people.

Another woman. She proposed that I should meet the boss once again in the future. Today, I asked her to kindly schedule it for me. She said, "I'm not sure if the boss wants to see you." Fuck x 1000. I am sure I know how to pronounce 'grin' correctly.

My heart filled resentment and unrecognized anger, I took the MTR to Admiralty and changed the bus there to get back to HKU. I stopped by my office to get back some notes and some books for the final chapter of my thesis. Then I went to Swire Hall canteen. I was surprised that it's already closed at 8pm. What kind of canteen closes during dinner time? I've no idea. I took a taxi to the McDonald's near the indoor volleyball court. When I was placing my order, I noticed the restaurant was playing 小飛俠. I froze for a few seconds, enjoying the sudden attack of the 窩心 feeling: "陪你渡過春天 陪你渡過秋天 陪你直到冬天我怕與你沒法一起蛻變".

Next to me, there was a girl in her school uniform. She seemed to be a friend of the cashier girl. They looked like, so I guess they're friends. The cashier girl proudly told her that she could give her a discount on the food. I felt that their lives were easy, worriless, or maybe goal-less. What kind of future would they have by selling hamburgers? Maybe they're already comfortable with what they have. At least they looked happy.

Curry Pork Bun combo with a crawfish soup (a.k.a fake lobster soup in my dietary language), I got a call from Charles. He's also heading to McDonald's to get the same combo? At that moment, I felt better. I knew I was not the only one.

從前有個男孩夜裡說想約我於森林見面.........

1:13am. I opened my copy of Tao Te Ching and turned to chapter 23. It reads:

Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

If you are open yourself to Tao,
you are at one with the Tao
and you can embody it completely.
If you open yourself to insight,
you are at one with insight
and you can use it completely.
If you open yourself to loss,
you are at one with loss
and you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to Tao,
then trust your natural responses;
and everything will fall into place.

How far can we understand this? Even if we do, how much is it going to help? Then, what?

我心中的你深得見骨　
怎會想到跟你想法有出入　
願你抽半秒想想　往日

I know I should be sleeping right now. Yet, mid-night hunger and the tormenting heat between the blankets woke me up. I need rest; I've waken up not to. I will see the big boss today. Somehow, I feel like meeting godfather of the mafia. Not knowing what to do, but show your individualism and dedication to the cult. Not sure if they would make good use of me. I wish they would. Let's see how far my luck can be pushed.

These days, I realize that WORK has the following functions:

[1] It keeps you occupied, and makes you feel that time flies faster than it should be;

[2] It drains you out, so that you could sleep soundly (sure?) at night;

[3] It gives you a chance to accumulate some topics to talk to your friends at night;

[4] It keeps you busy and therefore gives you a label as a 'usuable', 'practical', 'meaningful' and 'functional' being.

My current part time job does not have much to do. Most of the day, I spend my hours at my desk working on the msn chatboxes and reading the papers I downloaded from Jstor for my research. People are nice, nicer than I expected. Maybe it's not yet time for competition. Still, I adopt a rather reclusive approach. Sometimes, I peep at my silenced phone. No one calls, no missing call. Then I go back to my 'work'. I have several smoking break per day, which could be the most liberating moments at work, I guess. Not that I long for a smoke, but that I could somehow stand within a space on the ground. It makes me feel more solid and existential.

The last semester will start in 2 weeks' time - probably the last semester I could have in the near future. What could I make best out of it. I certainly miss the people there. I regret not getting close to Esther Cheung, whom (I assume) I could talk a lot to. I regret not sitting in Abbas's classes when he's still here. Well, for Gina, she is nice, though she still has not read my stuff. Incredible. I also miss Jason and Tiffany, who are basically the most immediate comfort during these two years. I miss the library, my pigeon hole, the classrooms and the smoking areas.

差不多4:45am la, it's time for you to get up for work.

睡得好嗎? 有想起我嗎?

I had a nightmare about you, which woke me up.

記得吃點早餐, 空肚工作無益!

A LOVER’S EARLOBE (temporary draft)
by Nicholas Y.B. Wong (copyright)

Dedicated to Robbie

The head tilted slightly,
your left ear’s exposed
in the open air. A protest:
life’s too heavy, you exclaimed.
Removing part of your ear helped
relieve the weight.

Nothing was lighter than the moments we
shared. Your gospel words intruded my
ear: a folktale about a hole on the earlobe.
Someone had to fill it up, a sacrifice.
A thread of silk sprouted and reached
my cap. Hair obscured to reveal your
history and renew a part of it.

Earrings foregone,
your past foretold.
The aperture lured desire to drop by.
I listened to the mourning and yearning
the hole collected. The slit mystified the
contour of your left pinna.

Unblock the ear after it’s identified.
That’s the way an ear distinguished
a lover from the deaf crowd.

Blue Song
I am tired.
I am tired of speech and action.
If you should meet me upon the
street do not question me for
I can tell you only my name
and the name of the town I was
born in - but that is enough.
It does not matter whether tomorrow
arrives anymore. If there is
only this night and after it is
morning it will not matter now.
I am tired. I am tired of speech
and of action. In the heart of me
you will find a tiny handful of
dust. Take it and blow it out
upon the wind. Let the wind have
it and it will find its way home.
Tennessee Williams

我的生存之道

在這裡思索自己, 差不多可以哭出來.

Why did I resign four years ago? It was a job that provided me with 90 holidays a year and paid me nearly $20K a month (at the stage I resigned). The answer is easy: I have lost myself.

In 2007, I have set myself a series of goals. I would like to give myself one more chance - in fact, one more sign. I have submitted two of of my thesis chapters to two scholarly journals to see if they're interested in publishing them for me. I know it may sound too far-fetching and my critical thinking and writing may not have reached such a high level yet. Still, I want to try. People, if not now, when? The chapter on Haruki Murakami's ear has been sent to Journal of Asian Studies, while the one on Will Self's Cock and Bull has been sent to Critique: Studies of Contemporary Fiction. One more chapter on the nose (Nikolai Gogol) and the penis (Hanif Kureishi) will be sent out by mail to Men and Masculinities. I plan to write a few more poems and short stories by February, and hopefully send them to Upstreet (Vermont University) and another publication mentioned on the APWN website.

If luck comes to hit and shower me with any of them, I will reconsider if I am quitting the academic circle. 學術 is not a circle understood by many people. What is more difficult to comprehend is the life inside such an 'academic life'. Ever since I was small, I came up first in the whole class or school. I did average in secondary school. Not able to compete with the best, but absolutely much better than the worst. I seemed to have found myself in university. I met nice teachers, I picked the right subjects, I read the impressive books. I decided to move on. Thanks to Elaine Ho (the first cunt in my life), I chose to work.

Four years of teaching, I only enjoyed around 100 days. There were times I was in the classroom and I kept asking myself "Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in somewhere else?" It took time for consideration and courage to make a move. I know I could not afford any D-mop and IT clothes anymore if I go back to the campus. Anyway, I chose such a path.

I admit I am a picky person. I did forfeit some chances to earn some money that would make my life easier. I did it because I wanted myself to be completely focussed on my writing. My situation is a bit unusual. My origina supervisor left, then I was transferred to someone else, and then another transferal. So far, after 1.5 years of hard work and writing, no one has read my stuff yet. If there's a mentor, I would be less frustrated and even more productive. I have to say I already did my best and lived up to myself after my studies started. I have gone to three conferences, praised at two by someone I didn't know and won a cash prize. At that point, I thought I could really continue. I still remember this scene: Jonathan Hall from UC Irvine said to me: "I like your paper.....You're not doing a PhD? You should, I think you're talented". This is the first time I have been praised by some people in a different world in six years. I really need this encouragement, the positive energy to drill into my blood. I have achieved much more than the people of the same year.

Owing to different issues, my confidence seems to have gone. Studying is perhaps the only way I can find a real sense of satisfaction. But the point is who can allow a 28-to-be to keep studying in Hong Kong? I look at my parents. They raised me as what I am. I am not a good son at all, but I still want them to have a life to enjoy when they're old. There's nothing I could do to reward except looking for a real job that pays me really good money. I don't mind working at all. I have worked, spending 10 hours to mark assignment and only 15 mins for lunch and dinner. I was once a typical busy Hong Kong person, just that I didn't enjoy what I was busy with.

There's a struggle between my personal dream and my duty. I don't mind giving up myself for a while for my parents, just that I am worried if I quit the academia, I won't be back anymore since the people I know may leave or die somehow when I recognize I need to go back, again. If my family is richer, I would be doing my PhD at Princeton, an MFA in somewhere or even a PhD in creative writing. My friends, after I die, please bring my ashes to Princeton and scatter some over the lawn there.

Being too free is a problem, a nuisance, a weakness. Honestly, sitting in front of my desk thinking about what to do next is a torturing experience. Moving from company A to company B is easy because there's already another choice. If terms and conditions fit, you leave. If not, you stay, or you look for company C in your industry. For me, industry unknown, career unknown, job unknown.

學術 also requires a strong will. I just want to learn and write. Learning makes me happy. Knowing stimulates me. How many of us really identify such a passion? After identifying, how many of us would recognize, respect, encourage and value?

I have never been as frustrated about myself as now. I really want to figure out the road of my life.

We're All in the Dance

Life's a dance

we all have to do

What does the music require?

People all moving together

close as the flames in a fire

feel the beat

music and rhyme

while there is time

We all go round and round

Partners are lost and found

looking for one more chance

All I know is

we're all in the dance

Night and day

the music plays on

we all are part of the show

while we cana hold on to someone

we know life won't let us go

feel the beat

music and rhyme

while there's time

We all go round and round

partners are lost and found

Looking for one more chance

All I know is

we're all in the dance

We're all in the dance

Andrew Holleran asked: "How can we distinguish the dancers from the dance?"

Facing the spectacular view of the Paris city, all we need is someone next to us to say, "It's so beautiful." We all know, by being there, the view is beautiful. What the other half says is not suggestive, but confirmative, reassuring us that in the world, there's someone to share our view.

Time and What to Read

Chow Mo Wan (Tony Leung) in 2046 says: "People like me have too much time."

Chow Mo Wan is everywhere. It could be you, and it's definitely me, currently. Having too much time, to many people, is a kind of luxury. They would sacrifice money to get it; I would do the opposite. Not wanting to dig into the perplexing academic books, but still wishing to keep track to the academic domain, I choose to read some magazines - not the local tabloids (not to mention cable channel 13 is suffocating us with information we don't need to know).

Philosophy Now (http://www.philosophynow.org/) is an easy read and fun-to-read for people with a certain background and interest of philosophy and culture (both ancient and contemporary). Those thinkers (scholars worship them as 'great' thinkers) spent five to twenty years to write a book that needs at least years to decode. Then, one need to dig out the secondary resources on the debates on such books and their ideas. Possibly, it's going to make you age faster than you should, with a sense of helpless and bewilderment upon encountering difficult ideas. Yet the magazine provides people with a fast means to understand the basic framework of such ideas. I am not a fan of Wittgenstein, whose PhD thesis, I was told, was written in one paragraph. But I find the following anecdote very intersting:

One morning, when Wittgenstein appeared for breakfast I noticed he was not clean-shaven. (This was unusual as W was always so well presented.) "Ludwig," I asked, "are you growing a beard?" At this he looked angry and replied: "Not shaving isn't the same thing as growing a beard!" He paused for a moment then continued:"...though to grow a beard certainly requires one not to shave."

This issue features two articles that most interest me: Alan Kirby argues that postmodernism has been dead, and what we have been thinking as postmodern texts, or phenonmena, are what he calls 'pseudo-modernism', which requires a great deal of interaction from the audience or viewers. For example, Channel 4's Big Brother could not survive if no viewers phone in from the families, or the game shows would not have been produced if there's no participant contributing to the drama of the plotlessness of the programme.

There's another article (actually a film review), comparing two films about the 9-11 incident: United 93 and World Trade Centre. For people following my blog, it would not be necessary to stress how much I value the former than the latter. The reviewer, Thomas Wartenberg, points out how the structure of United 93 resembles a Greek tradegy. Interesting.

The English is plain and is written to make the readers understand, instead of arousing further confusion. Philosophy Now is published bi-monthly in England, but you can get a copy at Page One, rather regularly (HK$59.00).

It's time to think about ideas in relation to the culture we are situated in. There's no need to agree with the thinkers. Instead of being engulfed by our surroundings, I urge for a need to ponder on why and how (even though there's no possible escape from capitalism) we are eaten. A reflection is needed, and it needs time to take place.

W.H. Auden: Love requires an object.

"Language has not the power to speak what love indites:

The soul lies buried in the ink that writes."

John Clare

Thank you for meeting me on 14 November 2006, at Fortress Hill.

Thank you for existing.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006, USA)
Directors: Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris
Running time: 101 mins

I like watching films and TV dramas about fucked-up people. They're especially humorous and witty and bitterly sweet. Six Feet Under, American Beauty, Weeds and I am glad that now I have Little Miss Sunshine on my list.

The film is sketpical about the contemporary American culture, which in many ways, the global culture. Yet, it's also a fucked-up culture: a father who is too obsessed with the idea of winning though he himself is a loser career-wise; a grandfather who is proud of fucking so many women and occasionally sneaks into the bathroom to snort some heroin; a daughter who is intoxicated by the beauty myth and dreams of the winner of a beauty pegeant; a son who refuses to talk until he enrols into the air force and draws the portrait of Nietchze; a suicidal gay uncle who is a well-known scholar on the French writer Marcel Proust.

Interestingly, the wife is the most normal person in the film. She is not uptight about her housework, not the kind of sad happy housewife we see in Desperate Housewives. She just smokes twice in the film - I smoke more than she does! So, she's perfectly fine.

It's an independent film and also another road movie. All road movies are about the road, from the starting point (Alburquerque, Nex Mexico) to the destination (California). During the course, the characters would have a Joycean epiphany (i.e. a recognition, an awakening). The film offers a chance for the typical dysfunctional American family to reunite their bonding among each other. The film is recommended - it's entertaining, quick, funny and unpretentious.

"Life is a beauty contest after one beauty contest". This is not original anymore. We, as adults, know that our lives are not any easier than the school days. We blamed our teachers for making our school life so hard, but we could not blame anyone but ourselves after we leave our dreary campus. The importance here is not 'contest', but 'beauty contest'. Everything is about 'visual' now. The New York Times earlier published an article saying a film degree is as worth studying as an MBA in any famous institutes worldwide simply because film studies allows you to analyze visual language, which bombards us every day. The daughter (Olive) is bombarded by the beauty of Miss America; the uncle (Frank) was depressed because his boyfriend ditched him for another nice looking Proust scholar with a Maserati. What is beauty? The film may offer an optional answer: family love. For me, I will leave Alan Ball's works to answer this question.

One thing I should take note of is the ending. The DVD bonus offers four more alternative endings, among which, there is a more crazy one, which talks about how the family steals the trophy and the crown of the beauty contest despite the daughter's fucked-up talent performance onstage. I personally would like this ending rather than the official one, which is too predictable, too safe and too neat.

My recent favourite song:

還好我懂得抬頭走
更不須人援手
直到我遺忘你那碗粥比親吻燙口
今天愛過你的日後成為誰密友
離合不講理由 甜密不必持久
多少情人日夜相處仍淪為朋友
天大地大並沒並多少快樂時候
來來回回寧願在你掌心中向右走
尋覓我未相識的摯友

人人都想有傾城之愛
似山伯英台　卻得到將來
人人都想有愛不完的愛
有天意青睞　但世上缺乏人才

"Shall I have to go away again,

leaving everything behind -

my research, my book?

Shall I awake in a few months,

a few years, exhausted, disappointed,

in the midst of fresh ruins?

I should like to understand myself properly

before it is too late."

Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea.

叱o宅組合新力軍: (金) Zarah (銀) 農夫 (銅) Project Early

叱o宅男新力軍: (金) 關楚耀 (銀) 杜汶澤 (銅)鄺祖德

叱o宅女新力軍: 衛詩 泳兒 (position not confirmed yet) (銅)胡琳

唱片: Human 我生 (古巨基)

唱作人: Most difficult category. Finalized later. Three out of these six: 軟硬天師 / 張繼聰 /張敬軒 /方大同 /梁漢文 / 王菀之

叱o宅組合: (金) Twins (銀) 軟硬天師 (銅) E02

叱o宅女歌手: 容祖兒 /何韻詩 (position not confirmed yet) (銅) 薛凱琪

叱o宅男歌手: (金) 陳奕迅 (銀)古巨基 (銅) 張敬軒 /側田 (not finalized yet)

This year's 叱o宅 results are very hard to predict, especially the 'bronze position' of all categories. I guess the top ten songs to date are as follows:

1. 愛得太遲 (古巨基)
2. 華麗邂逅 (容祖兒)
3. 小峽谷之1234 (薛凱琪)
4. 大大時代 (譚詠麟)
5. 光明會 (何韻詩)
6. 大愛 (許志安)
7. 愛你變成恨你 (吳雨霏)
8. 愁人節 (謝安琪)
9. 笑忘書 (張敬軒)
10. 好兄弟 (軟硬天師)

Uncertainty: Not sure if 903 will give the award to Alan Tam, if not, one of the following songs could appear on the list: 三生有幸 (鄭中基) / 紅綠燈 (鄭融)

Missing here for a while. My laptop broke down now and then in the past 3 weeks, owing to the curse of the octopus card I picked up in a taxi (which I used to buy 2 packs of Kent M3). I am not a digitial culture person: no MP3 (surely not MP4rrrrrrrrrrrrrr either), no i-Pod, no palm pilots, no blackberry, no PSP or NTS. But once my laptop breaks down, my life is so fucked up. I guess those cultural critics are right: we are all cyborgs now, we are so in debt to the machines, which not only form parts of our lives, but also part of our bodies. Anyway, my laptop is fine now, at least with my most important thesis backed up.

Another semester just ended and the new one would not start until 29 Jan. God - more than 1 month of time. Koa found a new job, which would occupy him more time, which means I need to be more independent (which I could, I guess) and I could do some reading finally. I also want a part time job, anything will do. I always fantasize myself working in a coffee shop and shit like that. Kind of charismatic and romantic. Anyway, I just finished the season 1 of Weeds, which surprised me a lot with the mean but witty lines. I also got myself two books (coincidentally both on existentialism): Paul Auster (same birthday as mine)'s Travels in the Scriptorium and Jean-Paul Sartre's Nausea. Maybe I should also go back to Beckett's Waiting for Godot and Camus's The Outsider if I have time.

People like me have too much time, too less to do. Wanting to buy a nice new jacket for the function that Koa asked me to go with him proudly as somebody of his, yet financial limitations are always with me. I have a bad habit that I can't get rid of - comparing myself to other people. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. My formal training told me that every individual is different and my mindset tells me that I don't give a shit to what people think. Yet, I still compare. I am going to be 28 in two months' time - I am still what I was. Hopefully, I will have one more degree by August 2007, which means I have 3 titles already: BA, PDipEd, and MPhil. Why the fuck would someone need 3 titles? Honestly, the current culture does not value this, meaning the people living in this culture don't either. I am fine with the way I suffice myself - yet my family and my partner are the one whom I need to support with my financial solvent. Speaking of work, god knows what the fuck I will do. Ask Susan Miller and Paddy Ching. My fate just has not got the signs for me yet.

Not being able to fit into the mainstream makes someone an outcast and the culture always thinks it is the outcast who has problems. That's why we have so many stupid self-help books in the market. Rule 1: don't read self-help books; Rule 2: burn self-help books; Rule 3: Write one if you wanna get rich as it doesn't take knowledge to write one.

28 - what will I be like when I am 28? I hope the people around me still admore me as what I am and remind me of this as well. I shouldn't be what I am not.

Koa sounded tired on the phone. SUM TUNG. I know you are doing your best. I love you.

屋雖細 有自由 不需品 懶擁有

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難道我走上露台賞燈 未察覺原來樓下有人
清高也有個價 唯有抽煙好