不知為何, 這两天也不斷哼着＜如果你有事＞. 多么不祥! 愛突然又有效, 突然又過期, 狠心的你, 亂了的我, 仍.......... 苦戰九年, 遊歷無數, 但最終難免成為自由行, 不在意就怪了. 一想再想, 也不外乎是龍鳳大戲一場. 我可會是新光戲院或是利舞臺, 不怕有戲上演, 只怕叫好不叫座, 到最後還要清拆.雖全院滿座, 但總有散場的一刻, 只希望來看戲的把票尾好好保存, 他日如若和朋友談論過去時, 可憑票尾換取回憶, 溫故知新, 證明你也有用心看過戲, 看錯與否, 則有所保留. 但你又可知那些票尾是用來換領一隻卡地亞戒指? 忙, 忙, 忙, 我也會忙, 現在就忙給眾人看. 一句<生日快樂>本是來得自眨, 那又何來矜貴? 在圖書館裏把新書隨手翻開, 看到Samuel Beckett的作品. 我們唯有在穹蒼下共勉之:

they come
different and the same
with each it is different and the same
with each the absence of love is different
with each the absence of love is the same

From Sister:
有時候太著眼看會令人暈眩，放開點便能見廣一些。平常心是很難求，但當你發覺只有自己的心是可靠攏時；平常一點也未嘗不可。沒有人想生活得額外失落吧？！

<剩下, 光年>

"光年" 時常被人誤解.

它指距離 並非時間

時間 我時有時無

距離 才與我常在

愛不起 襯不上

對得起 但心不上

這就是差異

差異編寫距離

有距離 人才會遲到

來不及的還有時間

時間從來甚少守時

所以

我放棄了戴錶

光年 很遠 很遠

跟永恆無異

永恆是幻想 是空想 我想 我想

永恆存不存在

怎證明

因為我們永遠比時間命短

我們 只可以向前走

告訴自己前面就是了

是了 是了

到了 到了

不了也要了

很想念過去愛得瘋狂

愛得驕傲 愛得任性的日子

現在很理性

多了忌諱 少了感覺

有了目標 欠了認同

剩下 還有路要走

有多少 只有多 永無少

走得起 也要和光年

鬥命長

A stupid lady from an agent called me this morning and asked me to go to Fanling to teach a 5-week F.7 remedial course. She gave me flattery, saying that I was so capable and experienced (all of a sudden?). I said it's too far away and I'm too busy. She said she would raise the price for me. I asked for 900 for 2 hours. She said she'd consider it.

After I hung up, I realised I had to attend the postgraduate seminar every Tuesday in HKU and it clashed with the Fanling schedule. In order not to waste their time and energy on the money negotiation, I called back and told them not to bother anymore. She told me "Nevermind, we could only afford $250 per hour only". Cunt, you gotta pay for the right people.

Another woman. She proposed that I should meet the boss once again in the future. Today, I asked her to kindly schedule it for me. She said, "I'm not sure if the boss wants to see you." Fuck x 1000. I am sure I know how to pronounce 'grin' correctly.

My heart filled resentment and unrecognized anger, I took the MTR to Admiralty and changed the bus there to get back to HKU. I stopped by my office to get back some notes and some books for the final chapter of my thesis. Then I went to Swire Hall canteen. I was surprised that it's already closed at 8pm. What kind of canteen closes during dinner time? I've no idea. I took a taxi to the McDonald's near the indoor volleyball court. When I was placing my order, I noticed the restaurant was playing 小飛俠. I froze for a few seconds, enjoying the sudden attack of the 窩心 feeling: "陪你渡過春天 陪你渡過秋天 陪你直到冬天我怕與你沒法一起蛻變".

Next to me, there was a girl in her school uniform. She seemed to be a friend of the cashier girl. They looked like, so I guess they're friends. The cashier girl proudly told her that she could give her a discount on the food. I felt that their lives were easy, worriless, or maybe goal-less. What kind of future would they have by selling hamburgers? Maybe they're already comfortable with what they have. At least they looked happy.

Curry Pork Bun combo with a crawfish soup (a.k.a fake lobster soup in my dietary language), I got a call from Charles. He's also heading to McDonald's to get the same combo? At that moment, I felt better. I knew I was not the only one.

從前有個男孩夜裡說想約我於森林見面.........

1:13am. I opened my copy of Tao Te Ching and turned to chapter 23. It reads:

Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

If you are open yourself to Tao,
you are at one with the Tao
and you can embody it completely.
If you open yourself to insight,
you are at one with insight
and you can use it completely.
If you open yourself to loss,
you are at one with loss
and you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to Tao,
then trust your natural responses;
and everything will fall into place.

How far can we understand this? Even if we do, how much is it going to help? Then, what?

我心中的你深得見骨　
怎會想到跟你想法有出入　
願你抽半秒想想　往日

I know I should be sleeping right now. Yet, mid-night hunger and the tormenting heat between the blankets woke me up. I need rest; I've waken up not to. I will see the big boss today. Somehow, I feel like meeting godfather of the mafia. Not knowing what to do, but show your individualism and dedication to the cult. Not sure if they would make good use of me. I wish they would. Let's see how far my luck can be pushed.

These days, I realize that WORK has the following functions:

[1] It keeps you occupied, and makes you feel that time flies faster than it should be;

[2] It drains you out, so that you could sleep soundly (sure?) at night;

[3] It gives you a chance to accumulate some topics to talk to your friends at night;

[4] It keeps you busy and therefore gives you a label as a 'usuable', 'practical', 'meaningful' and 'functional' being.

My current part time job does not have much to do. Most of the day, I spend my hours at my desk working on the msn chatboxes and reading the papers I downloaded from Jstor for my research. People are nice, nicer than I expected. Maybe it's not yet time for competition. Still, I adopt a rather reclusive approach. Sometimes, I peep at my silenced phone. No one calls, no missing call. Then I go back to my 'work'. I have several smoking break per day, which could be the most liberating moments at work, I guess. Not that I long for a smoke, but that I could somehow stand within a space on the ground. It makes me feel more solid and existential.

The last semester will start in 2 weeks' time - probably the last semester I could have in the near future. What could I make best out of it. I certainly miss the people there. I regret not getting close to Esther Cheung, whom (I assume) I could talk a lot to. I regret not sitting in Abbas's classes when he's still here. Well, for Gina, she is nice, though she still has not read my stuff. Incredible. I also miss Jason and Tiffany, who are basically the most immediate comfort during these two years. I miss the library, my pigeon hole, the classrooms and the smoking areas.

差不多4:45am la, it's time for you to get up for work.

睡得好嗎? 有想起我嗎?

I had a nightmare about you, which woke me up.

記得吃點早餐, 空肚工作無益!

A LOVER’S EARLOBE (temporary draft)
by Nicholas Y.B. Wong (copyright)

Dedicated to Robbie

The head tilted slightly,
your left ear’s exposed
in the open air. A protest:
life’s too heavy, you exclaimed.
Removing part of your ear helped
relieve the weight.

Nothing was lighter than the moments we
shared. Your gospel words intruded my
ear: a folktale about a hole on the earlobe.
Someone had to fill it up, a sacrifice.
A thread of silk sprouted and reached
my cap. Hair obscured to reveal your
history and renew a part of it.

Earrings foregone,
your past foretold.
The aperture lured desire to drop by.
I listened to the mourning and yearning
the hole collected. The slit mystified the
contour of your left pinna.

Unblock the ear after it’s identified.
That’s the way an ear distinguished
a lover from the deaf crowd.

Blue Song
I am tired.
I am tired of speech and action.
If you should meet me upon the
street do not question me for
I can tell you only my name
and the name of the town I was
born in - but that is enough.
It does not matter whether tomorrow
arrives anymore. If there is
only this night and after it is
morning it will not matter now.
I am tired. I am tired of speech
and of action. In the heart of me
you will find a tiny handful of
dust. Take it and blow it out
upon the wind. Let the wind have
it and it will find its way home.
Tennessee Williams

我的生存之道

在這裡思索自己, 差不多可以哭出來.

Why did I resign four years ago? It was a job that provided me with 90 holidays a year and paid me nearly $20K a month (at the stage I resigned). The answer is easy: I have lost myself.

In 2007, I have set myself a series of goals. I would like to give myself one more chance - in fact, one more sign. I have submitted two of of my thesis chapters to two scholarly journals to see if they're interested in publishing them for me. I know it may sound too far-fetching and my critical thinking and writing may not have reached such a high level yet. Still, I want to try. People, if not now, when? The chapter on Haruki Murakami's ear has been sent to Journal of Asian Studies, while the one on Will Self's Cock and Bull has been sent to Critique: Studies of Contemporary Fiction. One more chapter on the nose (Nikolai Gogol) and the penis (Hanif Kureishi) will be sent out by mail to Men and Masculinities. I plan to write a few more poems and short stories by February, and hopefully send them to Upstreet (Vermont University) and another publication mentioned on the APWN website.

If luck comes to hit and shower me with any of them, I will reconsider if I am quitting the academic circle. 學術 is not a circle understood by many people. What is more difficult to comprehend is the life inside such an 'academic life'. Ever since I was small, I came up first in the whole class or school. I did average in secondary school. Not able to compete with the best, but absolutely much better than the worst. I seemed to have found myself in university. I met nice teachers, I picked the right subjects, I read the impressive books. I decided to move on. Thanks to Elaine Ho (the first cunt in my life), I chose to work.

Four years of teaching, I only enjoyed around 100 days. There were times I was in the classroom and I kept asking myself "Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in somewhere else?" It took time for consideration and courage to make a move. I know I could not afford any D-mop and IT clothes anymore if I go back to the campus. Anyway, I chose such a path.

I admit I am a picky person. I did forfeit some chances to earn some money that would make my life easier. I did it because I wanted myself to be completely focussed on my writing. My situation is a bit unusual. My origina supervisor left, then I was transferred to someone else, and then another transferal. So far, after 1.5 years of hard work and writing, no one has read my stuff yet. If there's a mentor, I would be less frustrated and even more productive. I have to say I already did my best and lived up to myself after my studies started. I have gone to three conferences, praised at two by someone I didn't know and won a cash prize. At that point, I thought I could really continue. I still remember this scene: Jonathan Hall from UC Irvine said to me: "I like your paper.....You're not doing a PhD? You should, I think you're talented". This is the first time I have been praised by some people in a different world in six years. I really need this encouragement, the positive energy to drill into my blood. I have achieved much more than the people of the same year.

Owing to different issues, my confidence seems to have gone. Studying is perhaps the only way I can find a real sense of satisfaction. But the point is who can allow a 28-to-be to keep studying in Hong Kong? I look at my parents. They raised me as what I am. I am not a good son at all, but I still want them to have a life to enjoy when they're old. There's nothing I could do to reward except looking for a real job that pays me really good money. I don't mind working at all. I have worked, spending 10 hours to mark assignment and only 15 mins for lunch and dinner. I was once a typical busy Hong Kong person, just that I didn't enjoy what I was busy with.

There's a struggle between my personal dream and my duty. I don't mind giving up myself for a while for my parents, just that I am worried if I quit the academia, I won't be back anymore since the people I know may leave or die somehow when I recognize I need to go back, again. If my family is richer, I would be doing my PhD at Princeton, an MFA in somewhere or even a PhD in creative writing. My friends, after I die, please bring my ashes to Princeton and scatter some over the lawn there.

Being too free is a problem, a nuisance, a weakness. Honestly, sitting in front of my desk thinking about what to do next is a torturing experience. Moving from company A to company B is easy because there's already another choice. If terms and conditions fit, you leave. If not, you stay, or you look for company C in your industry. For me, industry unknown, career unknown, job unknown.

學術 also requires a strong will. I just want to learn and write. Learning makes me happy. Knowing stimulates me. How many of us really identify such a passion? After identifying, how many of us would recognize, respect, encourage and value?

I have never been as frustrated about myself as now. I really want to figure out the road of my life.