Crazy Bitch(es) - Cunts are everywhere
For fuck sake, could you just leave me alone.

Tonight, I received such an email from such a person. Could the world function once normally for me?

Dear Mr. Nicholas Wong, How are you? I am Sandy Lam, a private psychologist in HK. You don't know me yet. In fact I am a good friend of Vivian. Something went wrong between you and her. She told me something happened last week. So I want to solve problem for both of you. About Vivian. She only wants to be your good friend and I feel sorry that you dislike her. She is sweet and lovely and many boys like her (I know). Sometimes she just does what she loves. Please forgive her. According to my advice, she should not send any email to you as you're so furious. I know the whole thing is her fault. However you're not mature and unable to handle the problem. You didn't state your feelings and I feel regret that you can't speak your own feelings to her but only shout loudly. I hope you will discuss questtions or problems with your friends or family. I don't want to tell you what you should do.You can do whatever you think that is right as you're adult. I am forty and have two children. Sometimes my kids fight and I just let them solve the problem by themselves. You may call her to discuss any question or problem if unsolved. God bless you and wish you have a good life! Regards
Sandy Lam

This is my reply:

Dear Sandy
It's rather perplexing to have received your email concerning Vivian Siu, your friend. Since I don't understand why she needs to bring in something else to step forward to solve the problem when she is the whole cause of the problem, even though I understand that your ultimate aim is the so-called relationship would be 'at peace' from now on. I truly appreciate your kindness and motivation. Yet, there are a few things I would like to refute, or clarify, so that you would be able to obtain information from both sources rather than taking sides.
First, you stated that Vivian is your close friend and you are a private psychologist. I assume then that your expertise would help her not only analyze her problems, but also lead her to recognize she is the root of the problem. I am not sure whether Vivian is your client who is under regular therapy sessions carried out by you, or you just chat with her casually as a soul mate. However, I would like to suggest you should direct her to someone professional since she presents herself to me as a psychotic since the beginning.
Her appearance was rather annoying, irritating and I should say, a nuisance. Forgive my language if it is too provoking. She started off as a helper of a magazine that my friend and I were working. Yet I started receiving emails from her totally unrelated to the work business. I have asked kindly to stop, but it was she who chose to continue and induldge in her own fantasy.
The most provoking incident was that she intervened my personal space. She came to the campus and disturbed me during an academic conference in university. I was compelled to leave the venue and she simply stalked me, from Central to Causeway Bay, then to Wan Chai. My sister and father were there to tell her I was very upset being stalked by her and stated very clearly that I would not have interest in being a friend of hers. This happened this May - and I am not sure if she did tell you this. Her emails simply keep showing up in my mail box since then, and she even came to my university once to wait for me. She also dropped things I did not ask for into my pigeon hole at the department office.
In short, I have kindly warned her that her behaviours have caused me significant amount of annoyance and I would like her to stop at once. Yet, as stubborn and shameless as she is, she chose to continue. Respect is for people who have a sense of dignity. However, Vivian has just gone too far and trepassed my bottom line. Therefore, I chose to confront her in a rather violent way. There's no officially right or wrong way in this matter. She appeared and disturbed someone's life as she liked it. By the same token, I would just like to inform her my feelings in the way I wanted. I assume normal and mentally-healthy people do not approach people like her, by being a stalker and constant nuisance. I have my social life and she also has her own. Yet, when I refuse to incorporate her into mine, from your email, it seems that it would be my fault by not stating my purposes clearly. I did state my preferences clearly yet she rejected to admit them. I wonder on what grounds should I be submissive to this woman who came out from god-knows-where in this planet.
You also wrote that I am not mature enough in speaking honestly to her my feelings. It's really a sarcasm to me since my furious response, I assume, could successfully convey my feeling - that is, fury. She just did not get the kind of response she wants to get and there is no other worse reason for you to stand up for her to suggest that I should stay at peaceful terms with her. I would like to pass this message one last time through you, as her good friend. Peaceful terms are impossible, because I don't want to be related to her, or even to her friends anymore by any means.
There is no way I would call her ever again to discuss the so-called problems, because she is the ultimate origin of the problem. Sandy, could you not recognise it? If a stranger keeps stalking you and disturb your everyday life by sending you emails and giving you things you don't want. No matter how many times you have signalled your wish, she still stays and behaves in a stubborn way. Would you be such reasonable, still? I may sound like a kid to you; however, you are in position to question my maturity. On the contrary, by being a professional private psychologist, you merely hear the story from her side and make judgement This leaves me some doubts concerning your identity as a sender in the sense that whether you are giving her/me friendly advice or professional one?
If you are concerned about how upset and stressed she is when being rejected and confronted by me such vigorously, I guess you are also obliged to understanding the mental health of the person being disturbed - that is ME - professionally. I would not like to talk deep here on this topic since it's very personal matter. All I could say is that I am also affected. So, my question is: why do I need to be disturbed and affected by someone I entirely don't know and still need to reconcile? Reasons and respect are for people who make sense and comprehensible. I am just afraid Vivian is not one of them in my mind.
And I would like to stop here. I hope I could allow you to know another of the story and my true feelings. As I stated before, I would like her to leave me alone from now on. Therefore, would you kindly enough to pass the message to her. By 'from now on', I mean 'forever'. There is also no need for you to reply me once again to further explain things or even to correct my attitudes because I believe I only live up to myself and people whom I care about. Call me egoistic, if you wish. Shall I receive any more emails concerning Vivian Siu from whoever, I would talk to my counsellor in my university and since you informed me that you are also a psychologist. I guess I would leave the matters for my counsellor to deal with you professionally.
Best
Nicholas

Susan Miller的十月prediction真的很準. 她說水瓶座的人在這個月會很忙, 但同時亦在相當的回報. 誰想到十月一日就收到Karawane的e-mail, 說我那篇陳年村上春"樹"詩會在他們的十週年刊登出. 嘩! 開心不已!皆因連自己也忘記投了稿到那裏去. 回想起還是多得上次去了趟New Mexico, 從而得到他們的小冊子. 現在Karawane 已成為University of Minnesota的出版刊物, 雖然是本Student-run的journal, 但我已很高興了. 只可惜我不能參與一連串的相關活動. 期待十一月尾寄到來的complimentary copies.

Xu Xi 也終於回覆了我, 想不到她一拼吞下了我五首詩和一個短篇故事. 當同僚問起我時, 我也不好意思的告訴她真相如此. 可惜的是只是internet publication, 希望他朝有日會In print 啦. APWN Special Hong Kong Edition: New Writers.

尚有一個星期便要去conference了. 前晚收到了email,問我可否做discussant. 好驚呀!怕出醜. 出發前還是要做多些功課. 翻一下関於National 及 Cinema 的書, 但仍尚未收到那些要我discuss的papers. 卜街!快手D啦!!!! 最好笑也是那個叫June Lam的PhD, 做我Panel的Discussant. 真的不知她對Gender有何理解. 她喜歡在自己的blog post 論文, 成百鳩幾頁! 用下個屎忽諗嘢啦! 如此的品種也可以PhD畢業, 兼做Abbas的學生!頂! 人在做, 天在看. 還是那一句: Stupidity lasts forever.

十月就是這樣的忙, 好！但走之前還是要去看看杜琪峰的<放、逐>.

近來我再忍受不了一些蠢人, 為什麼硬要一些高智商的去遷就一些低智商的?

記得那次和Vivian Siu 吵架的十七分鐘內, 她有這樣說: 究竟你是否那些很低能和儍的那種人? 我聽了後說了近三十句粗口. 對於一些不make sense 的人, 我採用的態度會是: 鬧爆你!!!

現在的大學生是文盲的, 不喜歡看書但又要扮下知識份子, 那次tutorial要討論Women and Romance的関係, 事前已經叫每人準備一些東西, 那些女子, sigh, 一些說平時少看愛情小說, 其中一個就帶了中學時代那本簡化版的Pride and Prejudice. 若Jane Austen知道, 我想她也會破例, 有儀態的說一句: What the fuck!

近來的確有點失常, 做什麼也提不起勁, 睡也睡得不太好, 還是多得樓上的裝修師傅.

前幾天逛了HMV, 買了Julian Barnes的 Arthur and George paperback. 決定給這個作家多一個機會. 很久之前已讀過他的作品, 有些看得明, 有些則一頭霧水. 但心想他既是各大學Postmodernism的必教作者, 定必有些詭異之處. 就是這個不憤氣的理由, 便拿去九十元去買了這本五百多頁的小說. 不要問我幾時會看, 我的書在我家中是要排期的, 大慨這也十分香港吧! (但當中極有可能有書插隊, 這便是已鋪了塵的Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin). 我其實又有幾多時間看leisure reading? 我的論文己在遠處召喚我.

昨晚花了差不多四個多小時完成了林夕老師的功課. 因為我上週缺課, 要做些什么實在不知道. 但亦是出於不甘心的理由, 随手拿了些歌來把詞重填, 誓要入選最後三十人名單. 原本很想用Both Sides Now 填廣東詞, 但實在太難了. 填了四句已用了五十分鐘. 頭兩句是這樣的:

清早氣味似足你
而美得戴妃亦歎氣

後來是怎樣己不太記得了. 於是便再那另外一首歌來填. 我選了一首廣東歌, 希望用已有的歌詞去幫我把字的音調拿揑得準確些, 而arrangement方面又要夠moody, 夠戲劇性, 於是我便選了關淑怡的<進化論>. 效果不太差, 填得也比較爽, 雖然也有沙石, 但也頗接近我期望的後果.

孤寂 百年 問有幾多頁
春樹 化泥 挪威井裡堆
隨指尖去追朔 前生中幾次轟烈
無心不動 花瓣要摧
緊閉雙眼不再追

萬般苦寂 待拈花帶領
活色高潮 未及蓮花高超
你落泊嗎 未慶祝也罷
一生之差 在理解 豁去這個我

穹蒼虛幻 殞落於風沙
絕色花樣 眉毛濃黑一雙
你尚愛嗎 就要懂愛吧
呼吸一生 便叫好 死都不該有疤

春風尚不息 檢討我生
輕挑吹我的前塵
奇蹟未降臨 伊美交戰一世等
慧根不小心整理 出錯得很有可能
餘温欠過誰人 只怪身體不敏感


填完之後, 還是覺得有點對Both Sides Now不住的感覺, 於是便隨意地填上了國語詞. 是這樣的:

小時候說我不成器
只撒嬌愛吃巧古力
整天都呆着看電視
要學摺紙飛機

媽媽老了的長頭髮
雪白得閃爍會說話
永遠記得: 要快樂呀
照着自己步伐!

要不是她我不會走 我不會笑 也不會叫
長大的時候沒有說
說了不該說的 多錯

要不是她我不會走 我不會笑 也不會叫
長大的時候不懂愛
愛了不該愛的 很多

最後想說說對The Departed的感覺. 看後對馬田史高西斯的印象依然不變, 他永遠是和觀眾鬥長命, 鬥耐性. 我已經不恃着看過無間道的港人身份去看這齣電影, 但也是講得它很不濟. 除了cast大和多, 粗口也很多, 甚至比爛口的我和那些真的黑社會還多. 前半部故事很鬆很散, 完全沒有張力. 演員的表現也不是傳媒褒得那么一流, 最好的還是Leonardo, 其次是Mark Whalberg, 搶戲非常. Jack Nicholson只是一般, 有些刻意, 不夠自然, 我個人選擇還是Al Pacino. 至於Matt Damon,他可以收檔了, 那個角色換了是Edward Norton, 我想整套戲就會多了個可取之處. 最不知所謂的還是(冚家鏟)結局, 連Matt Damon也無謂地被殺. 誰是這種政治與道德正確的結尾? 這還是多此一舉. 美國影評人給了個A-, 以我的taste, The Departed最多也只可以贏過C+. 相比之下, 詭絲可好看一點, 沙石還是有, 導演不濟和成本不夠很容易給觀眾看出, 但勝在有新Idea. Scorcesse 和 Nicholson的提名, 我想可能是發夢吧！Leonardo 和Mark Whalberg 則比較有機會些, 前者男主角, 後者男配角. 人家Clint Eastwood 宝力未老, 越拍越好. Mystic River, A Million Dollar Baby 是上乘之作, 而你啦？ The Aviator and The Gangs of New York.........

人人都說期待Leonardo及Matt Damon合演的西版無間道, 我還是想聽他們合唱<無間道>多些.

Hair kills.
We also kill our hair, painlessly.
Every month I go to the salon and trim my hair. Is my hair part of my body or non-body? I assume for every single bit of my body, if removed, would cause me pain. Why would something totally incapable of causing me pain grow and attach to my head?
Cutting it even has a sense of 'coolness' inside. Listening to the sounds of the scissors and seeing how the blades tidy up the ends of my hair ease me with the feeling that I am organized, and at the same time, less disorganized.
Pulling one's hair is even more painful than cutting it. That's why I told my masseur. So, sometimes, it's better to get rid of things than holding it to prevent a potential pain from tormenting me.
Hair links. The tiny string of silk that links up the living and the dead (as in the film Silk) is a threat. It is a connection of revenge, hatred and love, always misunderstood and mistaken.
The hair is also the grotesque. It blocks the pipe and comes from a monstrous body with an ill-boned frame and a contourless face. It's deformed and damaged, yet it's exotic and erotic. It's foreign and familiar at the same time. It's not just hair. It carries more than ordinariness with it (see Nicole Kidman's coming film, Fur).
Hair and fingernails still grow after one dies. Hair outlives us. It last longer in this physical world than us. When our body stops functioning, the hair takes its victory and prolongs our sense of living in the world, though not noticed very much.

Current reading: Considering Alan Ball, (ed) Thomas Fahy. (MFC, 2006). I have turned to non-fiction and documentaries from fiction and dramas. It's hard to find a good fictional book and film now. When would I finish my chapter on the ear? It's the worst thing I have worked on. Fuck work.