Quotes of the Day

It's from a beautiful novel I am reading written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez called Memories of My Melancholy Whores:

"I never forgot her somber look as we were eating: Why were you so old when we met? I answered with the truth: Age isn't how old you are but how old you feel."


"Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love."

My Ex-file

I want to file a record on my ex-es because of several reasons:
(1) I want to remind myself of their existence;
(2) I want them to remind themselves of my existence in their lives (if they have a chance to read this blog);
(3) I want to have a more tidy account on the reasons of breaking up, hopefully to know more about myself;
(4) I want to know why I fell in love with each of them;
(5) I want the people who want to know me more to read this instead of asking me all the time;
(6) Finally, I want to declare that I have loved each of them, seriously.

Okay, let's start.
Reasons of breaking up:
1st (Sept 1998) - He was not as passionate as he was when he first knew me. I couldn't stand the distance when I was sick and needed to have an operation. I found out 5 years later that I was the third person.
2nd (Sept 1999) - I suspected that he had a thing with my friend, which later, after the breakup, was proved to be correct.
3rd (Aug 2000) - Distance. He was in the UK and I was in HK.
4th (time forgotten) - Just tired of the game he was playing.
5th (time forgotten) - I fell in love with a lunatic.
6th (time forgotten) - I liked someone else, plus I flirted with the partner of my best friend. I lost both a lover and a friend.
7th (time forgotten) - I felt like being single even when dating. He went to play at weekend while I managed my own activities.
8th (time forgotten) - Similar to the reason above (ie. the 7th). I was too demanding to him, perhaps.
9th (March[?] 2005) - Different logic. He couldn't see his own faults and I was the one, as he said, stirred up all the problems when there were no problems.
10th (Feb 2006) - He claimed that I said something that hurt him. I accused him of not calling me at all.

Reasons of falling in love with them:
1st - I liked him. First love. He comforted me when I was turned down by someone else he knew.
2nd - Too caring. He was simply there when I was cheated by someone he knew.
3rd - Loved him at the first sight.
4th - Loved him at the first sight. I knew him in a pub and ended up going to karaoke on the following day with him and his friends. I still remember the first song both of us sang.
5th - Talented and exotic and rich.
6th - He's cute and he had a car. All the things I dreamed of.
7th - He's cute and very tall. Energetic.
8th - With single eyelids. He just had the charm and sex appeal to me.
9th - Knew him for a long time before. I thought he's mature and down-to-earth. I knew him when I was about to have another operation in the hosptial where his dad stayed.
10th - He treated me very well. Once I saw him, I became free of worries.

Conclusions:
(1) The reasons of breaking up become more and more trivial.
(2) The reasons I fell in love with people are more consistent than the those of breaking up.
(3) I have 10 partners since 1998 September. Do the maths: 10 is divided by 7.5 = 1.3333333333333333...... I spent 1.33333333333..... years with each of them on average. Of course, this figure is not true.
(4)Who do I still keep in touch? The 2nd, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th. It seems that I am better with recent ex-es than ancient ones.
(5) Who can I really rely on? Perhaps only the 2nd one. Yes. I also feel disappointed.
(6) I am a slut.
(7) I should reserve more seats for my ex-es in my funeral, predicting that I will kill myself (as told my Paddy Ching) when I am between 56-60. By the formula above and assuming that I will die at 60 (which is year 2039), I will have had 55.999999999.... partners. To round off, it should be 56. I will ask my funeral coordinator to take this into record.
(8) My pallbearer list: 10 people as follows (if you see your name, don't be surprised. Just show up unless you die before me):
1. Glory Cheung (fag-hag)
2. Kyle Fung (2nd)
3. Charles Hui (life-time sister)
4. Joanne Cheung (ex-colleague at SJC)
5. Benny Wong (secondary school classmate in RC)
6. Adrian Chung (6th)
7. Atom Cheung
8. Tommy Lo
9. Joseph Wong (ex-colleague at SJC)
10. Can't come up with a name now!

City of Stalkers

I want to talk about it - I was stalked. This proves once again why women are maniacs. She followed me all the way from HKU campus to King's Hotel where I play pool all the time with my friends. She stroke up several conversations with me but I was very annoyed. She kept bugging me. She was walking right behind me most of the time. I felt like I was a celebrity, if not a thief. I recalled the movie and the book by Ian McEwan caleld Enduring Love. People stalk you and keep appearing in your life and claim that they know you even if you don't. Later, you start to doubt yourself. Your identity is shaken. Who you are and who you know is not decided by your memory and conscious. It's defined by others, the Other.

What kind of people would stalk people like that? I don't think I need to emphasize that they are, first of all, nuts - fucking lunatics! But what concern me here is what triggers the thought of stalking a particular person such ambitiously. It's all about the eyes and the gaze. We see a person and fall in love with him/her at the first sight. The gaze is made romantic by them even the sparks are absent. The first sight serves as a drive for a second one, a third, and so on. So they stalk you. I am a sexist, I proudly admit. I have just known and encountered too many women who are schizophrenic.

在王子酒店巧遇梁漢文! So happy! I hope I can find someone like him, so my type of guy!

Anyway, today didn't pass as badly as I thought. My phone did not ring for too many times. It doesn't matter. It did not ring much when I was dating either. I played pool twice today. Crazy Friday! And I am glad that my mom was there to watch me for a bit and then at night my dad was there too. It's the first time I played with him. It seems that it could be a potential activity that we do together, bridging the generation gap!

Saturday.... another day that I am supposed to be out. I think I will stay home and read and study. Originally I have two tickets for a Japanese horror in Langham Palace at 1130pm. Now I think I may give up the tickets. It's kind of stupid to go to Kowloon to see a movie for only one hour. If there were two of us, the case and feeling would be different. Now, things changed and so did my feelings.

I don't know why I fucked up this time, again and again. Am I the one to blame? I just demand a little more action in calling me and this still can't be done. I really don't understand the logic behind. What am I? You tried so hard to get me and then put me aside. What am I? What am I? I think I know the way two people can maintain a relationship. It's just so not your way.

Just want to say 梁漢文 is not the type of guy who works in Cafe de Carol. He is cool in my eyes. So what?

I know nobody keeps updating my blog. If you happen to be one of the few people who do so and you happen to be a fond and keen reader, I should recommend you a book written by Umberto Eco called How to Travel with a Salmon. It is a collection of easy to read essays. They are extremely funny and mean. Nothing challenging. You can simply flip over those you are not interested. No harm at all. But the sarcasm and cynicism makes me feel that I am reading the personal encounters of Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye.

My favourite essays include: "How to Use the Taxi Driver", "How Not to Talk about Soccer", "How to spend time" and of course the titled essay "How to Travel with a Salmon".

If you go for meanness, read it and it makes you feel good.

Match Point and Cheating

Woody Allen's new Match Point is my starting film in this year's Hong Kong International Film Festival. Yeah. He has finally made a come-back. Since The Curse of the Jade Scorpio (I don't even remember the exact title!), I feel that he has trapped himself in a tiny nut shell of comedy and black humour. Nobody can really laugh with the lines. The films in the end are thought to be silly and pointless. Woody Allen can't be pointless! A genius can't be pointless!

Match Point is about cheating in love. I have never cheated, in exams. I am sort of proud of it. When I was teaching in St Joseph's, I saw students cheat but I did not really make a big fuss out of it. I usually signalled the cheaters that I noticed their wrongdoing, and usually they would stop. Yet, I remember once, a student went too far. I simply jotted down his name and maybe he received a penalty mark reduction. I didn't really give a shit. I did my job, he should have paid for what he did.

Yet, I cheated in love, and still do, perhaps. I ask myself: why can't I stick to one person? I can and believe me, I did. But growing up, I start to realise the difference between love and lust, love and sex, love and like. I don't love people in the way I did anymore. I gave my full self to them. I was romantic. I was passionate, and I was devoted. There's a fixed amount of energy in one's heart. So long as you have used it all up, then you become indifferent. It's just a problem of sooner or later. I used it all up many years ago. I stick to a person because of... stability? security? I guess I do so to avoid being single. Honestly, I like being in love. I enjoy this kind of lifestyle. So I move from one person to another and I receive a bad name. Bad names are everywhere. I can't care too much. Of course, I admit there are times I fucked things up. I regret, but nobody knows and I have my lessons.

People cheat because of lust. The sexual drive is too hard to suppress. There's a thing called self-control. Why do we control ourselves from what excite and motivate us? The society has many rules, which are invented by the white middle-class heterosexuals. I obey some of them and violate the rest. If we control ourselves from doing what we want, what kind of life and whose life are we living? No one can guarantee our days will turn better when we obey those rules. Fates are just organic. They evolve on their own. They don't need any rules to show the way out. Most of us let our dicks think too much.

Woody Allen once said: "The brain is a man's second favorite organ." I guess this explains why we all cheat.

We cheat because we all love ourselves most. Admit it. I do.