很多東西做，很多事情發生，要做萬能俠，才能應付得來。我自己要支持着自已。

From Jeanette Winterson's The. Powerbook:

"My search for you, your search for me, is a search after something that cannot be found. Only the impossible is worth the effort. What we seek is love itself, revealed now and again in human form, but pushing us beyond our humanity into animal instinct and god-like success. The love we week overrules human nature. It has a wildness in it and glory that we want more than life itself. Love never counts the cost, to itself or others, and nothing is cruel as love. There's no love that does not pierce the hands and feet."

今晚很重要。希望自己不會倒下來。

這首詞填得很好，請花些少時間咀嚼

作曲：曲：周杰倫｜填詞：林夕｜編曲：Adam Lee｜監製：李偉菘
有人在三更半夜　寂寞中　等待中
有人在光天化日　玩樂中　荒淫中
有人在天下太平　失戀中　失落中
有人在末日舞曲　遊戲中　快樂中

你是否一位觀眾　看著他們　有用　沒用
你是否一位觀眾　看著他們　有種　沒種

有人在黃金年齡　創業中　高潮中
有人在退休歲月　得道中　低調中
有人在患得患失　求學中　嘗試中　哪一位才是英雄

也許這些人們的　過程不同　目標相同　
也許我們就在其中　也許都分別不大　
心情不同　天下大同　
也許他們只是兒童　

一閃一閃　小小星星晃動　
星光的朦朧　星光朦朧　
千山萬水　正好裝飾你的夢　
你的眼睛　正好裝飾你的星球　
上的洞　成千上萬　黑色眼珠　正在互動的轉動

有人在地鐵車站　搜尋中　荒廢中
有人在人行道上　前進中　蜜運中
有人在廚房中央　麻木中　炒菜中
有人在睡房邊緣　吵罵中　衝突中

你看人家的時候　跟看自己　有何不同　有時候會不會心痛

星期四，英皇一句揾到個full time就同我講bye bye。開頭有啲不憤氣，但後來覺得他們比我的損失還要大，反正成班高層扮Q哂嘢，nothing to lose。

晚上去了關錦鵬個book launch，見到Jason坐在導演旁邊說話，有點感動，一個MPhil生，做論文做到自己的偶像也認識自己，連Chris Berry也要quote 你，係很難得的機會。You're talented，信我吧！最愛你說的那一句：我們做的事不會賺大錢，但我們能人所不能。我們其實就應該是很noble。 我的偶像是誰? Woody Allen，王家衛和村上春樹。

今天去了最後一次conference，在又一城買了個紙包旦糕仔同一支烏龍茶，草草吃過就頂硬上。個Panel有個speaker放飛機，連埋我得番三條友，我present先，用彭氏兄弟的<見鬼>講眼的desire和split self。一如我所料，班audience對Lacan的objet petit a零知識，我也求求祈祈講完就算。跟住有個泰國人講泰國beach party的subculutre，本應幾有趣，但零arguments。連paper title都有兩個grammatical mistakes，雖然我知我要politically correct，但這未免難登大雅之堂吧！他quote了Edward Said的Orientalism，但又唔fit 落自己份文到。最後那個韓國女人都不錯，我和她也提及了Ringu (午夜凶鈐)，但最敗筆還是說陳可辛是台灣導演，天噢，你來香港做conference，請把research做好點吧！

在此多謝Leon陪我去，希望不會悶親你吧。

對我好的人，我心知，我會記一世。

因為近日家裡的錄影機壞了，錄不了溏心風暴，這是繼金枝玉孽後最有劇力的電視劇。紅的就是一班甘草。網上已經有一班cult fans去討論李司棋和關菊英，連主題曲也來了個 DIY remix。Cult fans真不可低估。很期待加州紅快D有這首歌唱，so far，今年大熱的只有電燈膽和這首:

關菊英 <講不出聲>
http://web.mac.com/infrontcc/iWeb/djax/1.html

3:33am，很無聊，整理一下自己的CV。這兩年來的學術output如下 (不能稱之為成績，output是一個比較客觀的用字):

Articles
“From Rose Mary to Rolls Royce: Denise Ho x Wyman Wong. Queerness in Denise Ho’s Music” in Fe/male Bodies. Debut Issue. November 2005. Kubrick: Hong Kong. pp 62-8.

“The Carnal Hand and Fetishism in Wong Kar-wai’s The Hand” in Cinema in/on Asia. (ed) Shin Dong Kim and Joel David. Asian Culture Forum 2006. Gwangju, Korea. pp. 279-94. (Winner of the best three graduate papers presented in the panel “Whither the Orient” at Asia Culture Forum 2006).

Creative Works
“The Importance of Having an ‘R’”
Yuan Yang, 2001 June. English Department. The University of Hong Kong: Hong Kong.
Moving Poetry. 2002 Summer. Edited by Shirley Lim and Page Richards. Hong Kong University Press: Hong Kong.
Also appeared in Shirley Lim’s essay “Cultural Imagination and English in Hong Kong”. Asian Englishes Today. Hong Kong English. Autonomy and Creativity. Edited by Kingsley Bolton. 2002. Hong Kong University Press: Hong Kong.

“Haruki Murakami. A Spring Tree Above the Village”
Yuan Yang, 2001 June. English Department. The University of Hong Kong. Hong Kong.
Karawane:A Journal of Experimental Performing Texts. Issue 9. 2007 (10th Anniversary Issue). p. 31.

“The Evolution of Beard”, “Hymen” and “City of Sameness” in Fe/male Body: Bodywise. July 2006. Kubrick: Hong Kong.

“The Evolution of Beard”, “Hymen”, “City of Sameness”, “Fingernails”, “The Lunatic’s Penis” and “Suicide with McDonald Suk Suk” in Special Hong Kong Edition of Asia and Pacific Writers’ Network (APWN). (ed) Xu Xi. November 2006.
Links:
http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/fingernails/
http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/the_lunatics_penis/
http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/hymen/
http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/the_evolution_of_beard/
http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/city_of_sameness/
http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/suicide_with_mcdonald_suk_suk/

“Suicide with McDonald Suk Suk”
Yuan Yang. Vol. VII, no. 1. 2006 Decmeber. Department of English, The University of Hong Kong. Hong Kong. pp. 9-14.

Featured poet of The Other Voices International Project. Vol. 26. 2007 (http://www.othervoicespoetry.org/vol26/nwong/index.html)

Film Reviews
On Wong Kar-wai’s The Hand. Scope. An online journal of film studies. Issue 4. February 2006. Institute of Film Studies. University of Nottingham. http://www.scope.nottingham.ac.uk/filmreview.php?issue=4&id=123

Conference Presentations
“When Eros Lies in The Hand of Wong Kar-wai”. The 27th Annual Meeting of the Southwest Texas Popular Culture and American Popular Culture. Albuquerque, New Mexico. 8-11 February 2006. (Speaker)

“A Different Kind of Friendship – Reading the Homosocial in Johnnie To’s Election”. The Film Scene: Cinema, The Arts, and Social Change. The University of Hong Kong, Hong Kong. 21-22 April 2006. (Speaker)

“The Carnal Hand and Fetishism in Wong Kar-wai’s The Hand”. “Wither the Orient” in Asia Culture Forum. Kimdaejung Convention Centre in Gwangju, Korea. 26-29 October 2006. (Speaker)

“Nations in Transition” in Asia Culture Forum. Kimdaejung Convention Centre in Gwangju, Korea. 26-29 October 2006. (Discussant)

“The Obsession of the Ears: Reading Haruki Murakami’s Blind Willow, Sleep Woman and A Wild Sheep Chase” in Postgraduate Departmental Seminar. Department of Comparative Literature, The University of Hong Kong. Hong Kong. April 24 2007. (Speaker)

“Reading the Eye as a Haunting and Desirable Organ” in The 2007 International Conference on Inter-Asian Culture, Communication, Conflict, and Peace. City University of Hong Kong. Hong Kong. 4-5 May 2007. (Speaker)

很想這幾天日本地震，
或香港再次淪陷。
一是你死，
或是我亡，
如此，結局便會輕鬆得多。

***********************

一對手找不到好對手，
一個口卻篇出好藉口，
一雙眼看不透小心眼，
一對耳又到那處閃躲。
我的胸口，猶如威尼斯，
逐秒下沉，凹陷，凹陷，
當水平線淹沒我時，
呼吸不到的絕不只我一個。

yUAN YANG VOL 7出啦，我的故事乃是劣作，但不竟也是虛榮吧。

另外還有一本関錦鵬的書會出，雖然不大愛阿關的電影，但也應支持下，因為有Jason和張美君的文章吧。http://lib.hku.hk/friends/reading_club/bt2007_6.html

現在正讀老細講無間道的新書，頗informative，不太難。 值得一看。

又有人說我應該讀PhD了，不讀就是浪費了。該怎辦?

很想在這裡寫點東西，但幾天也寫不出來，結了巴，結了疤。
Charles生日飯食得蠻開心，看見他打開禮物的一刻，我便滿足了。
病了這麽多日，狀態下滑了，做甚麽事也上不了心。
昨天的Seminar還可以，多謝來的和沒有來的，心照啦，不宣啦。
買了Feist及一峰的新albums，要時間慢慢聽，陳百強的歌是永遠也會窩心的。

有這麼多刻想起了你，還是收拾細軟吧，
很想避靜一下。

當你未放心
或者先不要走得那麼近
如果我　露出斑點滿身　可馬上轉身

早這樣降生
如基因可以　分解再裝嵌
重組我　什麼都不要緊　假使你興奮

幾雙手　幾雙腳　方會令你喜歡我　順利無阻
你愛我　別管我　幾雙耳朵 共我放心探戈

如何承受這好奇
你有沒有愛我的準備
若你喜歡怪人　
其實我很美

臨別亦想聽得到你講: 「再見。」

昨晚在周老師家跟她和Joseph渡過了一個蠻relaxing的晚上，談了很多東西，有愛情，エ作，聖若瑟和小方。在北京帶回來的爆米花很好吃，很像曬乾了的粟米。但現在不知是喉嚨痛還是扁桃腺又發炎了，發着微燒，希望明晚沒事吧，Charles 生日飯嘛。

運，用完了，UCLA的Russell Leong說星期二不來做我的respondent了。失望得很。

Send給Upstreet的Submission竟然不被接納，有點意外，不打緊。

和 Joseph 吃了個lunch，買了個蛋糕給Vanessa，她很意外噢。

自覺今日在英皇很productive，不錯。晚些應該會去周老師家聊聊，很久沒見了。

昨天終於和 Department內兩個新 PhD 學生吃了個飯，她們是從內地來的，人很nice，難為她們要忍受我的國語。多謝馬然給我的小禮物，雲南的小磁石，紅河會待一個適合的機會才抽，那張從布拉格拍到的照片已釘在我家書桌上的板上。謝！

也多謝Iris給我占卜了一下，今年會有兩個很難攪的小人，十面埋伏，要防之。

早餐吃着媽媽準備的豆沙包，下午回港大聽同事的 seminar，下星期二到我了，多謝Glory的來臨。 題目為: "The Obsession of the Ear: Haruki Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleep Woman and A Wild Sheep Chase"。

I will rock! Just wait and see.

〈大了〉

人大了，無常了，
自我大了，自尊賤了，
髮線腿了，視線也濛了。
很想下午喝啖甘菊茶，
想想十年廿年的變化。

人大了，懵懂了，
古板了，自己變成古董了，
皮膚焊了，神采不飛揚了。
歷史英雄不是了，歷史是了。
拿破崙也可屈就做蛋糕吧！

人大了，想法多了，
體質差了，睡眠少了，
壓力大了，面脥消削了，
舊愛累積了，朋友生疏了，
書本和影碟當個老伴了。

人大了，想找過伴了，
過一些滿足簡單的生活了。
難相遇了，難相處了，難相愛了，
傷了，人大了，
連無名指也彎曲了。

打了兩場排球，很累了。抽了一次筋，點知仲要俾人話，離譜！但很開心，打波時可以完全集中。打了頗多果得分波，破攻能力高了，連後排攻也有得分，唯獨是防守很弱。奇怪是小跳發多次破壞對方一傳。

收到了 Men and Masculinities回覆，文章不被取錄，不打緊，零期望，但高興是信封上寫上 Dr. Nicholas Y. B. Wong，滿足了自己虛榮了一天。

很不行，很想求救，永遠不會忘記悄悄離開你家的勇氣，臨走前折返在漆黑中看了你五分鐘，吻過面脥才離去。很少人看過我哭，傷透了，十行眼淚也不夠流。

狂花了很多錢買夏天 Tees。 Aiya.

<唇薄萬>

新詩和煙絲，
配得那樣痴。
唇薄卻命硬，
吸口純薄萬。
自以為得天獨厚，
終有一日要回收。
每當點起一支煙，
便想是誰，
同時怪我腦袋，
天花拼亂墜。
原諒我的思緒，
踫一踫我咀，
多親一點豈可有罪。
詩人為情人，
避世並獻身，
習慣時刻無病呻吟。
很想彼此也是水晶球，
看到底蘊多剔透。
吸一口，想得出，
講不了，寫下來，
寫下了，看不見。
只見煙灰缸內灰黑點點，
衣袖沾上血汗和煙臭。

今天起看新書: Ian McEwan 的 On Chesil Beach，每日一萍果，一鮮奶，加溏心風暴。

24号 Departmental Seminar，有UCLA 的 Russell Leong 做Respondent，勁！

關心我的，了解我的，認識我的，愛著我的，掛念我的，在乎我的，緊張我的，我把以下的送給你們。不必明白我寫什麽，只要認同一下，鼓勵一下，讚賞一下，便足夠了。我很疑惑，請告訴這兩年的時間，精神，和心血沒有白花。

http://www.othervoicespoetry.org/vol26/nwong/index.html

昨天打了場半年來最滿意的排球，休息夠了，力量也大了，擊球點也高了。多謝CC set了唔少靚波。感覺二傳手的信任，心情也豁開了。進攻拿了些分，攔網也有，防守和一傳也穩了。發球質量也不錯，有平衝和飄向底線的，也有一些蠻可以的跳發。小平拉還是要捉緊些。最愛在二号位高點强攻。


說三道四，不如不如，
我聽，我想，我走。
可愛，不可愛，可不愛，
矜貴，不矜貴，經歷過便不矝貴。
在乎，在那裏乎？
我到，我心，我手，我和我。
我進，我攻，我逼完又迫，
我退，我守，我反覆，我變。
永恆不永恆，一變乃懸念，
否定跟空間，寧靜隨決定，
寧可愛其有，不可索其無。
有與無，想和念，
憑何定，憑何進，憑何喜，又憑何憂。
戰戰競競的來，
憂憂愁愁的走，
想玫瑰，無玫瑰，也枯萎，
想菊花，有自憐，兼自賞，
回味着懷念，舌尖和跟前，
看到變天之景象，
一變歸不變，
不變乃命數。
窮，力窮，運窮，氣數窮。
動盪時代，富不了英雄，
做大雄，做大人，
當不起高手，低手要承受，
我停，我留，我繼續想，
信、望、愛。

4月6日中午，在hifi裏播了他的歌。很好聽，有點淒美，又有點寄盼。是悲觀的向前行，還是樂觀的懷緬？實在有點攪不清。

邊想邊講我邊走
直到回頭路上
花也沒有　綠草也沒有
只餘小沙丘
你快聽聽 聽聽 你聽聽
在我背後千里外
甚麼也沒有
只餘風沙吹奏

<候斯頓之戀>

看了Mulholland Drive 四十分鐘，睡着了。

再忍了一個多鐘，放棄了。

真不明白為什麽人家把David Lynch 捧到上天，劇本完全唔make sense，每個shot都多餘地長，故弄玄虛。真忍不了。

還是Half Nelson好得多。主角是一名fucked-up的中學歷史教師，他說history就是changes，有changes就是有兩股對衡的力量在角力。他自己吸毒，抑鬱，自己一直來就是自我世界裏的subculture，跟出面正正常常，開開心心的mainstream，永遠也格格不入。這也是'half nelson' 的意思 (half nelson 是摔角中鎖頸的術語)。

他在最 fucked-up 的時候領略了自己教書的原因，他說: The kids helped me focus。很對，很有同感。

The Lost Room

一口氣把成個season 的七集看完。就是停不了！其實意念不算新，1961年有New Mexico的Sunshine Motel 內發生了怪事，房內每一件物件都有超能力，大慨也和叮噹差不多，但如果把叮噹放進Matrix 內，那就不得了！這套劇涉及很多後現代理論: reality vs irreality / unreality, time vs space, fetishism vs religion, God vs beings, Coincidence vs Determinsim... 總之信我，這齣戲一定要看，一定比X File 更大迴響。

楊小姐有新歌了，叫<化>。每次她的歌也有我能 identify 的地方。他朝一日我真的化時，我想領悟會更深。

別離未算久 別漫談如摯友
令清修的我再失守別凝望太久
令面容如刺繡 像一針一血的引誘
一巴一巴 情感打不化
沒碰著你再愛誰未算假
必擔心下半生 何苦不信任緣份
談多幾次心 自然就似情人
唯有甘心無需等的別要等
庸碌一世沒遺憾
人家不費心亦能恩愛互吻
誰說別人未襯 情不必太深
若能不執著你 誰不懂去互吻
淚還未轉圈 便被人嫌我怨
扮開心果也夠辛酸
舊情未算短 令別人如副選
像他的衫也該 你穿
收得多花 遲早火花都化
未信共對上百年未愛他

如果戀愛為結婚 如果擁抱為名份
何苦等半生 沒人沒有情人
如果甘心誰的心可及你狠
誰肯恩愛亦榮幸
難刻骨銘心
亦能找到護蔭
忘愛自然合襯

Movie-going Part I (scattered thoughts; disorganized)

I just watched Dark Matter a few days ago from the film festival. I knew about this film around one year ago and I was so looking forward to it, simply because of the cast: Meryl Streep with Lau Ye 劉燁。It's actually an average movie, with too many shots in between which somehow weakened the plot. There's not much going on in the story and I, as an audience could not be moved by the desperation of Lau. But as a research postgraduate, I certainly understand how he feels. And I asked myself, if I were him, I would probably do the same thing.

Is American-ness or Chinese-ness more stupid? The Americans are portrayed as the ultimate power that cannot challenged by the Oriental. Yet, the ironic part lies in the twist that it is the Chinese (Lau) who is individualistic, not the American. Is the film glorifying Chineseness or denouncing Americanness? The issue is confusing the audience when the whole plot can go nowhere else but being forced to wrap up in violence and suicide.

Color Me Kubrick - Another film about fans and star culture. John Malkovich again - after doing Being John Malchovich, he is now playing a schizophrenic who thinks he is Stanley Kubrick.

John Malchovich (actor) --> John Malchovich (character) --> in a movie about himself, himself being himself, and others being himself

John Malchovich (actor) --> Stanley Kubrick (director) --> in a movie in which someone wants to be a director

Johnny Depp (actor) --> Edward. D. Wood Junior (director) --> in Tim Burton's Ed Wood who wants to be as famous as Orsell Wells

Stranger Than Fiction. I love it! Another 5-star movie, very intelligent one after The Truman Show, Being John Malchovich and Adaptation. I guess one can do a PhD thesis on how an individual is controlled yet by a metaphysical being. Roland Barthes talks about the post-structuralist phenomenon of the death of the author, meaning the author is dead in a text, which meanings are therefore open for interpretation. Now, with Stranger Than Fiction, it's a twist of this thought and pushes the postmodern concept of a text even further: The author resurrects and the character dies. Not only this: the character is the reader. I would love to see how the film can be taught in the department.

Wanna do a piece of essay for Xu Xi: about smoking.

Gina has got back to my on my thesis, FINALLY. I guess I need to reheat my engine after the Easter break.

昨日午飯時間，獨自走到去APM逛逛。双腳自自然的走到頂樓戲院隔離的Kubrick bookstore。看見了新一期FA (Film Appreciation Journal，台灣)，內裡有一篇湯禎兆寫的文章，関於<傷城>裏梁朝偉和金城武的曖味関係。要買下，weekend 再把電影和文章再細看一下。

也買了村上春樹的<終於悲哀的外國語>，頗好看，尤其是関於他在Princeton居住是的軼事和随筆。很想畢業附近期間去Princeton走一趟，順帶可以去埋New York，很想消失一陣子。

晚上去看Bobby，雷聲大，雨點小，浪費了大卡士: Anthony Hopkins, Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, William H Macy, Helent Hunt, Martin Sheen, Linday Lohan...

Chris 也睡着了，要他那麼累也陪我看看戲，有點不好意思。

月球上的人，失重了，缺氧了。
Le MeMe Histoire。

今晚終於打波啦！很想打好小平快和後快，我要有速度有力量。為自己打打氣。

今日上堂教 David Lynch，有點悶。

但發現Mulholland Drive 裡有一首很動容的歌，回家後在Youtube找到這條link，很想看這齣戲。

原來戲裏的片段: http://youtube.com/watch?v=oddg6dCB7FE

Video，要看到最後: http://youtube.com/watch?v=2bJzWr1dnn0&mode=related&search=

歌名叫 Llorando，西班牙文，英文譯為 'cyring'，原唱 K.D.Lang

很想看Mulholland Drive 。

Just got this from a forwarded email. Let me do mine:


1. What time is it? 10:41am
2 Name: Nicholas
3. What are you most afraid of? frogs, lizards, being judged wrongly and misunderstood
4. What do you drive? I drive my honey crazy
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? nope
6. Where were you born? I forgot. I was told it's HK.
7. Ever been to Alaska? No. But I certainly want to eat Baked Alaska
8. Ever been toilet papering rolling or decorating trees? Perhaps Xmas trees?
9. Croutons or bacon bits? bacon gwa
10. Favorite day of the week? the days I could see Chris
11. Favorite restaurant: any korean restaurants and the Japanese pork chop place.
12. Favorite Flower: not sure. I will say they're nice when I see them.
13. Favorite sport to watch: volleyball, definitely
14. FAVORITE DRINK: Coke, coffee and chamomile tea
15. Favorite Ice cream: coffee
16. Warner Bros. Or Disney: Universal Studio
17. Favorite fast food restaurant: Mos Burger
18. What color is your bedroom carpet? 0 carpet
19. How many times you failed your driver's test? 0 - as i've never taken one
20. Before this one, who did you get your last e-mail from? Someone in the tutorial agent
21. What do you do most often when you are bored? watch a film or stay being bored and think about why I'm so bored
22. Bedtime? Can't say.
23. Who will respond to this email the quickest? N/A
24. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? N/A
25. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses? Everybody
26. Favorite TV show? Six Feet Under
27. Ford or Chevy? eh? What?
28. What are you listening to right now? My inner voice
29. What are your favorite colors? Black, white, blue
30. How many tattoos do you have? 0
31. Do you have any pets? want to
32. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Me
33. What would you like to accomplish before you die? Get a PhD and publish a book
34. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? N/A

不是又想寫不開心的東西，而是不開心的時候，我通常想寫作。

今日和朋友聊起，畢業後可以做什麼？最好還是去教持續進修學院，但人工不是太高。根本可能比一個'執留灘'的中學教師還低，這些人香港多的是，資源錯放了。我沒有博士學位，好少大學會請。我讀了這麼多書，但竟不值 30K 嗎？那些攪 IT或做 banking的又憑什麽可以賺這麽錢？我頓時很担心自己的前途。這些年來，兜兜轉轉，思路還是不通，尚放不開。我值錢嗎？究竟是怎麽衡量？如果我一畢業去做廣告或 fashion，今日應該會很好麼？

Jason 說七月會跟Esther Cheung去Glasglow出席一個學術會議，主持一個關於City 及Film 的Panel。很羨慕。為何我這兩年內的mentorship是近乎零？由開頭很有熱誠到現在什麽也不在乎。我只好默默在家裡寫東西，把論文趕快完成就是了。

Yuan Yang 出了，很想送一本給Rosina，但她今天不在office。我只想給她知道她的學生不只是一個普通教師這麽簡單。

早幾天去了中環Aesop買handcream，那個女Sales問我做那一行，我說我正在讀書，做freelance editor 和教書。她開玩笑說: '誤人子弟！' 我最討厭D人說這句說話給我聽。後生點就不懂教書麽？真想告訴她D 10A生也是我教出來的。算吧！嘥9氣。

很想吃點甜的東西去冲喜一下, San Francisco Steak House 的 Baked Alaska 就是了。

都算大卡士: Clive Owen, Julianna Moore, Michael Caine，不知怎的在香港沒有上畫。故事一般，但勝在有桌頭。最震撼還是那個攝影的。他叫 Emmanuel Lubezki，四次奥斯卡提名。十多分鐘的槍戰爆炸一take過，無剪接位，全片hand held camera，比杜琪峯的<大事件>還要厲害。喜歡電影的，請花少少錢買VCD看。

書。

笑忘書，想起誰？
王菲，張敬軒，Milan Kundera。
寓言書，又是誰？
關智斌。
人累了，書變重了，
沒看了，看得多，人也看壞了。

昨天得知大學一個PCEd老師患了腦癌，很shocked，回想起，有點難過。不知道她的博士論文做完了沒有？兩年前還說，我會在港大讀研究生，可多點聚聚吃飯，怎知一次也沒見過。祝安好。

為了儲點錢，近來很累，但為了户口的安危，為了可以有一個窩心的旅行，還是捱下去，撐下去。你也要啊！

Chris Berry 來港大了，來頭很勁。從未見過有人的CV是font 12，single line spacing，都有31頁A4紙。

又寫 Blog 了。寫的其中一個原因是宣洩和搏有人睇，然後和我談起我寫的內容，超 Attention-seeking。

英皇不對路：

1. 食 lunch 遲15分鐘返來就叫無 discipline。紀律是為學生和囚犯而設，我們兩者都不是。

2. 講笑和叫下午茶外賣就是沒心機工作，勁！

3. 唔可以聽收音機，勁x2！

搞教育之餘還在辦公室內搞德育，真的任重道遠，幸苦哂啦！

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sku3u0PclR4

誰人叫我出生入死 也來幽?沿途寸寸慢慢成灰心肺就只受你支配 一呼一吸既快樂又愚昧* 無止境 從熱吻中火並 沉迷你至知大局已定原本應該一早戒了還是不捨得我的尼古丁 多麼致命 絕症為何我溘I起自己 有限生命 投懷送抱敗壞名聲彷似為你慢性殉情 千夫所指我也默默承認Repeat *地獄的邀請竟比天國更加引誘 一束煙竟可綁著我手很清楚清新的愛人街裡有 但我日後又再接一口無止境 從熱吻中火並 沉迷你至使大局已定原本應該一早戒了還是不捨得我的尼古丁多麼致命 還只好信命 輸給愛情 絕症

發覺這個 weekend 都是圍繞着這三樣東西地過: clouds, love and life.

拿起 Joni Mitchell 的 CD，聽了 Love Actually 版本的 Both Sides Now。真中有三句歌詞是這樣的： 'I really don't know clouds at all'，'I really don't know love at all' 和 'I really don't know life at all'。

'I really don't know clouds at all'
因為天氣轉壞的關係 (其實也不是太差)，原定的海洋公園和團體燒烤之旅就擱置了。滿心歡喜的以為可以有個豐富的週末，誰不是事實來個180度大轉變。星期六整天呆在家中，把工作完成了一部份。又因為 Charles 和 Adrian 要拍拖的關係，沒有節目玩伴。現在沒有街出，只好又再埋頭幫英皇寫稿。這樣過星期六日不是不行，但可以的話，真想可以精采些和開心些。輕汽球是否沒有了？ 這是07年令我最 upset 的消息。

'I really don't know love at all'
昨天在家中時間太多，對自己發省了一會。相愛很難，難在是怎樣去 maintain 和 sustain。我自問有担戴，對另外一半有頭有尾。弱點就是 attention-seeking，要另一半放自己在他的 axis 內。講真，又有幾個會可以承托得起我，我雖然瘦，但我是很重很重的。想起<姊妹> 的歌詞，這一向都是我和 Charles 的歌: 「每當我愛到跌入漩渦，將錯就錯，關係亦出錯我總太愛人，逼到愛人，變做朋友再變生疏。」
我要求很高卻簡單：應承，心到，在乎，行動。

'I really don't know life at all'
掛住做 freelance 和寫故事去 publish，沒時間寫論文，很內疚。我怕畢業後找不到好的工作，沒有男友，又沒有積蓄，我便一敗塗地了。唯有賺多點錢旁身，起碼在最不開心時可以去去自由行：巴黎墳場，和台灣遼寧街。去前者是想看看 Oscar Wilde 和 Sean-Paul Sartre 的墓碑，後者是要看看<春光乍洩>中梁朝偉找到張震家人開的街邊麵檔。
我的 life 究竟是怎樣？越近畢業便越迷惘。

請保佑天氣，愛情，生活不要再錯。我已經錯夠啦！可否給我一條好行點的路。

今日見到兩個場面，一個窩心，一個攪笑。

場面一：地鐵車廂裡，一對四十來歲的夫婦站在我的前面。由於多人關係，他們緊貼着。男的架平庸眼鏡一副，穿啡色西裝褸，裏面一件Fila運動衣。妻子說他應該把西裝鏤扣好，以免運動衣上的污積給人家看見。說完後，女的便把褸的前方兩面叠好，然後把自己的身體靠向自己的丈夫。我沒有看他們依偎的表情，只是垂下頭來望着女方的牛仔褲。突然聽見丈夫低聲的說了一句: "等陣一齊去買件新的，好嗎？" 女的答道說："好。"

很平常，很簡單，但很有togetherness。

場面二：一走出炮台山地鐵站便看一個代表WWF的男子向一個和尚宣傳捐錢。那個和尚有髮根兼鬚根，很不和尚，亦非高僧相，除了件袈沙外，十足地盤苦力一樣。和尚躊躇著，有點為難。我心想："你吔依班和尚唔係成日行莎莎，去連卡佛，揸Lexsus，去百老匯買六十二吋Plasma架咩? 做乜唔捐錢俾WWF? 愛護動物協會喎！ 乜你嘅唔係愛護動物，食齋架咩？仲唔捐錢？"

今日去了香港文學節的 Gore Vidal 講座。全場爆滿，但可惜沒有幾個學生，全場近九成人是老外，悲哉！ 講座內容大多圍繞美國歷史和政治，零興趣。最好還是主持人問了: 'What's the best moment in your life?' Gore Vidal 呆了一呆，停了三十秒，回答說: 'It's the numerous moments that I said "I've told you so".' 幽默得很，兼有大師風範。當問到他近來正在閱讀，他說是 Artistotle的 Politics。美中不足就是全個講座內容沒有涉及同性戀文學，而且只有一條 floor question。完場後也花了二百個大洋買了他的簽名 memoir，很想了解他和男友 Howard Austen 的最後一段路。

很開心，關淑怡唱了<同事三分親> 的主題曲，雖然只得40秒，但也足夠開心一晚。
http://www.efilehk.org/dl/BestSellingSecretsTheme.zip

昨晚行過HMV，發現有兩本電影雜誌介紹David Lynch新戲，Film Culture II 個 course 遲啲要教 Blue Velvet 及 cult auteur ， 於是便想也不想便把雜誌從書架上取下。去俾錢途中，經過 soundtrack 部門，看見 Good night and Good Luck 的 OST，也把它買下。反正自己覺得戲中的 Jazz 很好聽。看! David Lynch 都幾型。

從來做嘢都唔怕辛苦，只是怕悶。今日啲啱咀型的同事又出了去做嘢，唯有自己一個人叫外賣吧！有湯，飯，菜，雞翼，雜菇和素鴨。一個人又對住個mon開飯，同在聖若瑟工作時無セ分別，每天只十多分鐘去食飯。903 播着林一峰新國語碟的歌，很有感覺，望着個飯盒，彷彿也聞到 solitude 的香味。很想回到自己的床裏去。很想很想...

很想不用再早起身去エ作，很想公司張死人櫈唔好再坐到我條腰又歪又緊，很想沒有暗瘡，很想去南丫島看風車，很想去唱K，很想排球可以打好點，很想拍好這次拖，很想我可以被在乎多點，被掛多點，很想坐在車中不知去那裏，沿途聽着收音機，很想看妻夫木聰齣浪漫戲，很想快點找到方向，很想被人讚多點，認同多點，很想快點成功，很想肥一些，很想心口個凹位突然間會無咗，很想...

昨天回去港大，一心去聽聽個 Good Night and Good Luck 的 roundtable。年多前，當我還在 New Mexico 時已看了這齣戲。對故事的背景不太熟悉，唯有只是看整個畫面構圖和剪接位。畫面很好看，黑白灰加上燈光的光與暗，美極了。有時還很享受看見香煙被燒時，一縷縷的白煙輕輕向上飄，戲中的主角抽煙和說話是多麽的有型，如果不是去年有 Capote ，我想他已當了男主角。我推介這戲中的: 黑和白，攝影，爵士樂 (Dianne Reeves) 和出現了無數次的抽煙鏡頭。我也是因為這套戲，我才寫了 'The Evolution of Beard': http://www.apwn.net/index.php?/writing/more/the_evolution_of_beard/

可惜，在昨日的Screening途中，我睡着了。

星期一去聽 Gore Vidal 講座，會否發問仍然是未知之數。一心想星期一前把他一本同性戀短篇小說看完，怎知我今天大意的把它留在 HKU office。頂，無X用。

Alejandro Gonzalez Inaritu,

director of Babel and 21 Grams

在房裏點起香薰，沖了一杯Chamomile tea，在房上翻看了一下剛寄到來的 New Yorker。內裏有一篇由 David Denby 寫的文章，內容是關於近來一些以 multi narratives 形成的電影，例子有很多：Pulp Fiction, Magnolia, Crash, 21 Grams, Babel, You and Me and Everyone I Know。 這些 'fate-driven' 的 narrative 形成了一個他稱為 narrative disorder (French: cinema desordonne) 的現象，所謂 disorder 只不過是用說故事和剪接把事情的發生次序混淆地整理起來，變成一個由 contingency 作主道的故事，the sense is based on non-sense while the system depends on chaos。

有興趣的可以瀏覧以下網址: http://www.newyorker.com/critics/atlarge/articles/070305crat_atlarge_denby

這真的可以做一份PhD論文。

Early 2007 with C and strangers, at HK Worldwide Carnival

Late 2006 with Jason, my mere postgraduate spiritual supporter, at Seoul

Mid 2006 with Kyle, my best hun forever

Mid 2006 with Elliott, my ex-student

Early 2006 with my laptop at ABQ, New Mexico

Mid 2005 with little doggie at Bangkok

Mid 2004 with a bunch of students (out of frame)
at England

Early 2004 with Antony, at SJC

歲月跟年華，青春被燒下。不得不承認，跟最初的我，已老了十歲。有相為証。
道道道，非常道。殘殘殘，超級殘。

英女皇

可能是入場時太累的關係，總覺得此片沒有如外間褒得那麽厲害。厲害的反而是 Helen Mirren，看過HBO 的 Elizabeth I的人就會知道這個老牌英國演員如何把兩個女皇的放蕩，不安全感和保守一面現觀衆眼前。

外界一直指戴安娜皇妃是受害者，我想這片便是要將這觀點反過來，全片沒什麽高也沒什麽低，就有如英女皇的作風，喜怒不形於色。我們不知道她想什麽，全片也沒有提及過她的名字。她是The Queen，有的是職銜，地位的稱呼，根本沒有個性可言。戴安娜皇妃則剛好相反，有的是熱情，態度和青春，作一些社交gesture來塑造自己的形象，亦因而深得民心。英女皇和皇妃，誰是忠誰是奸，誰是劊子手誰是羔羊，劇本沒有下註腳。又可能這些二元對立由始至終就是傳媒煽動外界虛構出來。

縱是如此，全面最精采的一個鏡頭說明了一切。 在皇妃葬禮中，全場掌聲雷動，女皇深鎖眉頭，一個剪接位，便把戴妃生前一個轉頭回眸的一剎那插入，慢鏡，眼神似是在說：我贏了。這是一場心理戰，有點金枝慾孽的感覺。

在權者根本不怕權力被奪去，怕的只是得不到民心。這個後殖民香港已說明了一切。

金獎像名單出了，<門徒>趕不及上機，換言之，贏家又會是杜琪峯。

最佳電影: 黑社會以和為貴

最佳導演: (未決定到)

最佳男主角: (五齣都無睇，算啦，豪俾郭富城)

最佳女主角: 梁洛施（伊莎貝拉）

最佳男配角: 任達華（黑社會以和為貴）

最佳女配角: 田蕊妮（師奶唔易做）

一向不太喜愛她的歌，太膩太重。這是繼《爭氣》後我沒有感到煩厭的。
http://joeyforum.com/diego/lovin-joey-forum-070208.mp3

多得天 有幾何 走一個接多一個。

再撞車

近日真的很忙，最好每日多給我幾個鐘頭，把自己的事情慢慢辦好。雖然如此，今日抽空返了港大聽個關於 Crash (2005) 的 roundtable。真的要感謝神，很久也未聽過這麼有見地的說話了。終於有人肯用腦去思考過才去說話。Roundtable 說過很多有見地的偉論，有讚有彈，不竟此片是歷屆奧斯卡第三不賣座的最佳電影，無論如何，我還覺得它比 The Departed 優勝得多。

其中恩師 Gordon Slethaug 說全片裡的種族主義都十分隨機 (random)，因此他起了一個名詞叫 'random racism'。反而有趣的是完全看不到有主角會很 intentional 地去針對跟自己皮膚顏色不同的人。既然沒有了 intentionality，很難去理解這片應怎樣去表達出現實社會狀況 (realism)，因為那些關於 race 的 hatred 已經沒有了源頭 (origin)。

我想了一想，很對。也都開了竅。人生根本就是 random，完全可以用 chaotic theory 去解釋。我們找到什麼工作，愛上了什麼人，全部都是由機會控制。機會和運氣出現與否是十分隨機。我們的人生就是等待，停留和離開。然後把整個 cycle 重新再來一次。既然生活來得這麼 random，跟隨生活的問題和煩惱也會因 randomness 而產生，racism 也不例外。

撞車是意外，意外是 random。如果 random racism = crash，那麼 intentional racism 就會等如 non-crash。所謂 non-crash 就是我們相安無事的生存時刻。想想自己憎恨的人，你會找到你的 intention 嗎？

農曆年假過了， 總算過得可以。 我這已很滿足了。

早上看了OSCAR的直播，很叉悶。主持人 ELLEN DEGENERES 的表現頗失色，有點吃力不討好的感覺。男女主角一早已十分明確，配角卻有點意外。最不應得獎還是 THE DEPARTED。馬田攞導演獎只是因為同門 ROBERT ALTMAN 今年去逝，同樣是AUTEUR，但獲OSCAR N次提名，零次得獎。現在還不趁健在時頒，到死了後又追頒，未免有點尷尬。所以大會也懂'珍惜眼前人這個道理'，我們應多多學習。

在高記教完書後，抽着煙由半山行到中環，天氣很爽，舒服。到 PAGE ONE 逛了個多鐘，買了三本書。希望有時間快看一次吧。其中兩本和哲學有關，另外一本則和愛因斯坦的理論有關，好像頗有趣。看畢後，遲些在這裡再詳談。

今天在新聞中看到精英大師退役的消息，還訪問馬主感受。那個上流社會的說到一半便聲淚俱下。還說政府打算在08奥運後就會建設些'休養'場所給一些馬王生息生息，而香港的年青一輩還可到那裡一睹它的風采。這個社會攪什麼？ 有成大排人家庭總收入低於七千蚊，卻不肯去理，有西九又不肯去攪，但又偏偏鍾意倒水養馬？在香港做上流社會真好，可以不食人間煙火就有錢從天跌下來。星期三的財政報告預算案最好減稅兼退稅，否則有更多的香港人便會去金沙拼多幾次74萬。

拿了王菲的<寓言>出來温一温舊歌。聽到TRACK 7，人便停下手頭工作，看看歌詞。是這樣的:

把燈關上，連背影都不會存在，甚麼時候，誰答應過，天亮會否定所有黑夜，我們擁有的多不過付出的一切。

明天在HKU有 CRASH 的ROUNDTABLE，晚上還要練一個鐘波。練練練，把抬！又無正選做。根本就好過另一個中間。頂!

腦裏不斷重覆着關淑怡＜衆生花＞的頭兩句。拿了個melody (也是頭兩句)，自己寫了以下的隨筆，一抒感興，可知應景非常。


疑心生暗鬼
汗流入谷底
懷疑聲
懷疑色
懷疑多壯麗

寧波車再懂
未明白心胸
悼念眼睛吻別耳朵
叮囑下世切勿重逢

結舌瞠目 痛有幾痛
道聽途說 瓊瑤作動

由筆尖帶出
軀體的空虛
物似空
空似色
無物偏高貴

手指笨也好
秘密不泄露
寫得太明解得太多
自己吃虧再無底細

紅豆不生南國
春來卻剩枯枝
好好土壤 變作賤泥
稍作靜息 凡事無為
姑息前度 福蔭後來
水滌心頭 荷花綻開

＜門徒＞是少有可以推崇的港產片，對上一齣高質素的本地製作己是杜琪峯的＜黑社會＞。很有趣，值得我們看的港產片永遠是把香港拍得霉霉爛爛，＜重慶森林＞、＜花樣年華＞、＜伊沙貝拉＞、很多很多。看戲時總是覺得濕氣很重。

演員做得好，就連吳彥祖也頗稱職。最出色的還是劉德華，張靜初和導演爾冬陞自己。這電影是劉華繼＜大隻佬＞後最能令人上心的作品。恰到好處，太温也不太火。最難忘還是幾幕突然之間狂燥起來的演出，應得最佳男配角。

此片也有幽默之處：說白粉是末落工業，說製毒的和其他大商家一樣剝削第三世界農民，說小宝一味掛住打網球，有正當的上下班時間，而吳彥祖則一日做卧底。最好笑的還時破案後，老頂叫吳彥祖多進修英文，增值自己。全片最差的還是古天樂，一點也不像道友。而造型則更敗筆，有如 Pirates of the Carribean 的Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) 上身。

片名叫 Protégé, 我猜是意大利文。此字早在1778年便出現，而且除了解門徒或跟隨者外，還有 'protectee'的意思。片中開頭已說明人吸毒是源於空虛。空虛很空虛，吸毒也只是其中一個敗壞自己的方法。由此看來，戲中每一個角色也是 protégé，一直在尋求外界事物來保護自身。

http://shirleykwanfans.com/clips/20070216.mp3

我們的耳朵可以再張開了。陳輝陽加林夕的作品:

＜眾生花＞

蓮花色似空　為純白精忠
恨吻着風　一煽動　睡蓮被染紅
曇花一秒鐘　任蝴蝶簇擁
為記念過客那份痛　到下世重逢
眾生失控　夢到劇終
黛玉知痛　化作落紅

如水仙最懂　自憐在水中
夜蜜蜂　香暗動　被緣份撲弄
誰惜花也懂　蜜糖為播種
歲月叫花瓣放鬆　轉眼不再紅
眾生失控　但美豔般蒼穹
十方起鬨　红顏不易種

今年我已經沒有像以前般期待奧斯卡，可能是今年好戲太少吧。另外，每個獎狀都好似呼之欲出，驚喜也不會多。最有懸念的還是最佳電影和男女配角。還有，現在十齣提名電影八齣都沒有在香港上過，就算得獎，也欠了認同感。

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole - VENUS
Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND (必贏)


Performance by an actor in a supporting role (最激烈的組別: Jackie Earle Haley, Eddie Murphy 及Mark Wahlberg也分別在今年嬴過)
Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley - LITTLE CHILDREN (亂揀)
Djimon Hounsou - BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS
Mark Wahlberg - THE DEPARTED

Performance by an actress in a leading role (全部阿姐級)
Penélope Cruz - VOLVER
Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN (無得輸)
Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN

Performance by an actress in a supporting role (Cate Blanchett 己經在04年憑 Aviator 贏過，再攞獎機會不大。無估錯的話 ，女配角應該是在 Babel 中二揀一 ，我揀西班牙女人都唔揀日本妹)
Adriana Barraza - BABEL
Cate Blanchett - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi - BABEL

Best animated feature film of the year (I don't care - 三套都是爛片)
CARS
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

Achievement in art direction
DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERDPAN'S LABYRIN
THPIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHESTTHE PRESTIGE

Achievement in cinematography (唔知，五齣都miss咗)
THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE


Achievement in costume design (我看奚仲文可能會嬴)
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
THE QUEEN

Achievement in directing (擺明就是敬老要俾馬田史高西斯，但我根本唔知佢有セ咁好，我揀 United 93)
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

Achievement in film editing
BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93

Best foreign language film of the year
AFTER THE WEDDING DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGÈNES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH
WATER

Achievement in makeup (whatever)
APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score) (no idea)
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Best motion picture of the year
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
THE QUEEN


Adapted screenplay
BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Original screenplay
BABEL LETTERS
FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

今天一口氣買了四隻VCD (龍鳳鬥、傷城、滿城盡帶黃金甲以及 Running with Scissors)，連同在家裡打算要看的 (當然包括 Lucky Louie Season 1)，應該可以應付一個農曆年假有餘。這個假期應該是這樣過的：睇碟，寫作及閱讀。

我想快點起了劇本的初稿，會否太深奥？仍是未知之數。名就有了些眉目，可能會叫做 I for Illness。

也正因為這原因，今天又對身體思考了一會。身體是會孤獨的，是會肚餓的。要吃的不是食物，而是觸摸。記得當代小說家 Hanif Kureishi 說過我們小時候的身體很吸引，一出世時醫生就用雙手把我們帶到世界上。親戚朋友總是會爭着抱我們，摸我們的臉脥，多久也不厭。成長後，發覺與人的確實接觸越來越少，每天摸着手机和Keyboard還多過摸自己心愛的人。對一個沒拖拍的人來說，現在要自己的身體被觸摸，通常要先附出金錢，看醫生，去按摩，去召妓就是了。從那個時候開始我們會吝嗇自己的身體，又是幾時我們的身體變得這麼矜貴。把身體豁出去就是放蕩，難道收起來又顯得上等？身體不被觸摸又怎知道它確實存在？

情人節，祝愛過我的幸福快樂，不愛我的更幸福快樂。

『這山頂何其矜貴　

怎可給停留一世

只得很少數伉儷

在這風景線上建築關係

這山頂如何高貴　

似叫人踏上天梯

可惜像霧都污穢　

令這海景變成個謎

甚至灣仔也漸覺縮細』

在芬梨道上看着香港的夜景，頗大霧。想了一些人物和事件，有新的也有舊的。想起了兩首關於視野的歌：＜濛＞和＜大開眼界＞。看清楚原來會是這樣忍痛承受，看不清反而可以留一條狗命。怪不得現在有這麽多人近視了。

我家不富裕，沒有住上芬梨道，炮台山道就是了。水鬼升城皇又有幾多？我憑我的雙手擁有的就是這麼多。要學會欣賞然後支持我，站在我背後一起向目標出發。我開始相信「生有限，活無限」－這是我豬年的生存之道。

Louise Gluck

近來 New Yorker 登了一些我頗喜愛的 poems，大抵也和愛情有關。想在這裏和一些時常 update 我的 blog 的人分享。今次這篇較長，但請保持你的耐性，加上文字也較淺白，很容易讓人明白，我看完之後只得「無奈」两個字。由熱戀到白頭，也許真的要有些事情隻眼開隻眼閉。總之兩鬢斑白時，他還認得你就算值得了。

NOON by Louise Gluck

They're not grown up - more like a boy and girl, really.

School's over. It's the best part of the summer, when it's still beginning -

the sun's shining, but the heat isn't intense yet.

And freedom hasn't gotten boring.

So you can spend the whole day, all of it, wandering in the meadow.

The meadow goes on indefinitely, and the village keeps getting more and

more faint -

It seems a strange position, being very young.

They have this thing everyone wants and they don't want -

but they want to keep it anway; it's all they can trade on.

When they're by themselves like this, these are the things they talk about.

How time for them doesn't race.

It's like the reel breaking at the movie theatre. They stay anyway -

mainly, they just don't want to leave. But till the reel is fixed

the old one just gets popped back in,

and all of a sudden you're back to long ago in the movie -

the hero hasn't even met the heroine. He's still at the factory,

he hasn't begun to go bad. And she's wandering around the docks, already bad.

But she never meant it to happen. She was good, then it happened to her,

like a bag pulled over her head.

The sky's completely blue, so the grass is dry.

They'll be able to sit with no trouble.

They sit, they talk about everything - then they eat their picnic.

They put the food on the blanket, so it stays clean.

They've always done it this way; they take the grass themselves.

The rest - how two people can lie down on the blanket -

they know about it but they're not ready for it.

They know people who've done it, as a kind of game or trial -

then you say, no, wrong time. I think I'll just keep being a child.

Just your body doesn't listen. It knows everything now.

It says you're not a child, you haven't been a child for a long time.

Their thinking is, stay away from change. It's an avalanche -

all the rocks sliding down the mountain, and the child standing underneath

just gets killed.

They sit in the best place, under the poplars.

And they talk - it must be hours now, the sun's in a different place.

About school, about people they both know,

about being adult, about how you knew what your dreams were.

They used to play games, but that's stopped now - too much touching.

They only touch each other when they fold the blanket.

They know this in each other.

That's why it isn't talked about.

Before they do anything like that, they'll need to know more -

in fact, everything that can happen. Until then, they'll just watch

and stay children.

Today she's folding the blanket alone, to be safe.

And he looks away - he pretends to be too lost in thought to help out.

They know that at some point you stop being children, and at that point

you become strangers. It seems unbearably lonely.

When they get home to the village, it's nearly twilight.

It's been a perfect day; they talk about this,

about when they'll have a chance to have a picnic again.

They walk through the summer dusk,

not holding hands but still telling each other everything.

今晚打排球又扭親隻右腳啦。其實自己每次都好小心，知道如果再有什麽差遲，隻腳就不能再做運動了。所以真的很怕和一些不懂打的人一起打。現在敷了些葯膏布，但已經感到不妙了。頂! (講十次) 希望明早起床可以行得走得啦！年紀大，機器己經壞了好幾年。估唔到壞完又壞。

我很想告訴你們，但我真的不敢，我就有如謝安琪，怕小器，怕中口卦，不想節外生枝。我負担不起。

好讓這個星期快點過去，我便有多些時間做自己的東西。還有很多DVD要看，最緊要還是把論文的 Conclusion寫好，初稿便終於完成了。自己也能鬆一口氣。

小恩小惠，足夠令我開心一世。

終於一百個

不經不覺，這已經是我個 blog 第100個 post 啦! 開頭也不在意，但我 log in 個 account 時才發覺這個重要時刻。好，來個蛋糕贈慶吧！今年生日的遺憾就是吃不到最心愛的拿破崙蛋糕。反正這種蛋糕根本插不下蠟燭，換句話說，生日吃不到它就好像很有邏輯，跟其他原因無關。與其等有心人有誰共鳴，倒不如自己遲些去 Mandarin 或 Conrad 走走，自己跟自己浪漫一番。現在想吃的還有在 Great 買的可樂軟糖和鵪春蛋燒賣。

Breaking and Entering

昨晚看了Breaking and Entering，事前已做足心理準備，抱着零期望的心情去入戲院。當我知道外國影評人把此片彈得一文不值時，心裡也起了猜疑。沒理由吧！不竟導演是Anthony Minghella (The English Patient, The Talented Mr. Ripley)，絕無可能得個C-，比起咒怨2還是差。早陣子看完Clint Eastwood的Flags of Our Father己經好不明白為什麼有資格被提名金球獎最佳影片，再加上Breaking and Entering並是那麼差 (雖然也不是最好－太多對白，說得太明，又有點故弄玄虛，而又大少空間給觀衆思考，但也有張力，戲味還可以，大抵也值個B)，只好說句今年好片真不多。本人選擇還是United 93。

偷情片近來彷彿成為了一個熱門的主題：Mike Nichols的Closer 跟Woody Allen的 Match Point 就是好例子。前者剖釋偷食是基於 love at the first sight；後者則說到大話被揭發與否就看看你的彩數。有運起來，殺了人也不用填命。Breaking and Entering 說的也是偷情，但角度則不同。所謂 'breaking' 就是 'entering'的其中一環。有些事情必須要先被破壞，才能安然健全，鞏固起來。愛情便是一個例子。Jude Law偷食過才知道女友Robin Wright Penn的大愛，而兩者的關係才能由疏離變成commitment。這段感情線在戲中着墨不多，離離又合合，有點兒令人摸不着頭腦。但想深一層，女方只不過是 attention seeker，要的就只是男友呼天搶地的把自己爭回來。只不過男方一直自建障礙，還是要放蕩一下才安樂。

人生也是如此。那個年青人在開場時永遠要打爛(break)玻璃才能進入(enter) Jude Law的office 偷電腦。但最後兜兜轉轉認了個錯，還能堂堂正正地步入 office裏跟他道歉和道別。不用偷偷摸摸，反而挺起胸膛。能夠成仁上了一課只是別人肯多給一個機會。先破壞，後建設，這個人生及愛情觀真的十分解構主義 (deconstruction)。

我們的現實生活又有多少東西可以在摧毁後再重生？人與人之間的感情太疏離了，還要忍受breaking的痛苦才能達到化境(enter a new phase)，看來生存真的需要技巧和忍耐力。

大才與小用

今早做事很不爽，十點鐘己發了個脾氣。事源我要做的工作實在太「濕碎」，掛名是edit教材，但實在就是對住個Word document執format。有時候有東西要改動時，大多就要憑空想像。原本第一稿己是寫得不好，經過鬼婆改過後就更奇怪。她會用拼音打中文，但文法全錯，又多白字。要我改，怎改？

近日在母校開始逢一、三教一個鐘頭remedial英文。坦白說，為錢吧！最怕是見到愚昧的一羣，又無禮貌。最弊就是你不能過於動氣，他們不竟是細路，完全不懂性。只不過是在學校，並不等於我沒有想過兜巴星死你。你走運了，但切忌過份，每個人的運也有用盡的一日。

今晚只是和Adrian在合發吃了個快飯 (其實只得我吃)，很早便回了家，十點多便睡著了。反正再不用打怪獸，為何不可？但自從分手後就是睡得不太好，兩個多星期來，間中也有惡夢。個多小時前才發了一個。點幾鐘醒了，可以做什麼？外面好靜，很想出去走走。

這刻的歌：梁詠琪《等人》

---------------------------------------------------

我愛抽煙 但更愛聽煙草被燒的聲音

我愛睡覺 卻又稀罕身體被抱的質感

二時三十分 在等一個人

一個在二時打過電話給我的人

--------------------------------------------------

離開我 離開過 離開永遠離不開自我
談工作 談水果 曾幾何時什麼都笑過

理想嚒 旅行嚒 二人行怎會變做單拖

唯有想 自己是 鐵膽一號會否較好過

七四二十八 數口精又代表什麼
面對怪獸時 還是不敵它一團火
這個世界沒太多超人
少個哥斯拉 少個感情殘障人
就可造就繁華盛世的戀愛氣氛

-------------------------------------------------

昨年今日

如果程小姐的大批是準確的話，我己經行了人生的一半。我不介意，也不太正乎。我只是想如果要我在未來的廿八年過着過去廿八年的生活，遇上差不多的人，再經歷多一次各種的人生高低，我會願意嗎？你會嚒？ 想着，想着，一切也二Ｏ四六起來。未來就是過去，現在就是當下，也只是一個timeless的中和點。

生日過得很安然，心情沒什麼大上大落。和應見的人吃過飯，收了一些禮物，喜歡與否，也會珍藏。收到了一隻馬里奥，有點不知所措，真不知反應什麼。腦裡也重覆地唱着任天堂流淚的第一句：看，馬里奥為情人蜘蛛都去擋。

今年決定用打牌的方式打去自己的生日，可惜被清櫃了。糟糕，牌太弱，對手強了！

欠缺的是還未吃生日蛋糕，沒有拍照，還未許願。本來想網上找張"28"的相，貼上來，但找不到。原來年齡是虛的，怎樣也記錄不下來，留得下來的只是28歲的我們，並不是"28"本身。我要今年更實在。

你是我一個好好好好好的好朋友。攪什麼？ 我們還在八十年代嚒？

在此僅多謝媽媽的Paul Smith Knitwear，Joseph的手寫板，Charles的Y3帽，阿Ha和阿胆的波鐘錢，Robert的一切。未見的人，我還會見，最重要的是你們還在我身邊。

不知為何, 這两天也不斷哼着＜如果你有事＞. 多么不祥! 愛突然又有效, 突然又過期, 狠心的你, 亂了的我, 仍.......... 苦戰九年, 遊歷無數, 但最終難免成為自由行, 不在意就怪了. 一想再想, 也不外乎是龍鳳大戲一場. 我可會是新光戲院或是利舞臺, 不怕有戲上演, 只怕叫好不叫座, 到最後還要清拆.雖全院滿座, 但總有散場的一刻, 只希望來看戲的把票尾好好保存, 他日如若和朋友談論過去時, 可憑票尾換取回憶, 溫故知新, 證明你也有用心看過戲, 看錯與否, 則有所保留. 但你又可知那些票尾是用來換領一隻卡地亞戒指? 忙, 忙, 忙, 我也會忙, 現在就忙給眾人看. 一句<生日快樂>本是來得自眨, 那又何來矜貴? 在圖書館裏把新書隨手翻開, 看到Samuel Beckett的作品. 我們唯有在穹蒼下共勉之:

they come
different and the same
with each it is different and the same
with each the absence of love is different
with each the absence of love is the same

From Sister:
有時候太著眼看會令人暈眩，放開點便能見廣一些。平常心是很難求，但當你發覺只有自己的心是可靠攏時；平常一點也未嘗不可。沒有人想生活得額外失落吧？！

<剩下, 光年>

"光年" 時常被人誤解.

它指距離 並非時間

時間 我時有時無

距離 才與我常在

愛不起 襯不上

對得起 但心不上

這就是差異

差異編寫距離

有距離 人才會遲到

來不及的還有時間

時間從來甚少守時

所以

我放棄了戴錶

光年 很遠 很遠

跟永恆無異

永恆是幻想 是空想 我想 我想

永恆存不存在

怎證明

因為我們永遠比時間命短

我們 只可以向前走

告訴自己前面就是了

是了 是了

到了 到了

不了也要了

很想念過去愛得瘋狂

愛得驕傲 愛得任性的日子

現在很理性

多了忌諱 少了感覺

有了目標 欠了認同

剩下 還有路要走

有多少 只有多 永無少

走得起 也要和光年

鬥命長

A stupid lady from an agent called me this morning and asked me to go to Fanling to teach a 5-week F.7 remedial course. She gave me flattery, saying that I was so capable and experienced (all of a sudden?). I said it's too far away and I'm too busy. She said she would raise the price for me. I asked for 900 for 2 hours. She said she'd consider it.

After I hung up, I realised I had to attend the postgraduate seminar every Tuesday in HKU and it clashed with the Fanling schedule. In order not to waste their time and energy on the money negotiation, I called back and told them not to bother anymore. She told me "Nevermind, we could only afford $250 per hour only". Cunt, you gotta pay for the right people.

Another woman. She proposed that I should meet the boss once again in the future. Today, I asked her to kindly schedule it for me. She said, "I'm not sure if the boss wants to see you." Fuck x 1000. I am sure I know how to pronounce 'grin' correctly.

My heart filled resentment and unrecognized anger, I took the MTR to Admiralty and changed the bus there to get back to HKU. I stopped by my office to get back some notes and some books for the final chapter of my thesis. Then I went to Swire Hall canteen. I was surprised that it's already closed at 8pm. What kind of canteen closes during dinner time? I've no idea. I took a taxi to the McDonald's near the indoor volleyball court. When I was placing my order, I noticed the restaurant was playing 小飛俠. I froze for a few seconds, enjoying the sudden attack of the 窩心 feeling: "陪你渡過春天 陪你渡過秋天 陪你直到冬天我怕與你沒法一起蛻變".

Next to me, there was a girl in her school uniform. She seemed to be a friend of the cashier girl. They looked like, so I guess they're friends. The cashier girl proudly told her that she could give her a discount on the food. I felt that their lives were easy, worriless, or maybe goal-less. What kind of future would they have by selling hamburgers? Maybe they're already comfortable with what they have. At least they looked happy.

Curry Pork Bun combo with a crawfish soup (a.k.a fake lobster soup in my dietary language), I got a call from Charles. He's also heading to McDonald's to get the same combo? At that moment, I felt better. I knew I was not the only one.

從前有個男孩夜裡說想約我於森林見面.........

1:13am. I opened my copy of Tao Te Ching and turned to chapter 23. It reads:

Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

If you are open yourself to Tao,
you are at one with the Tao
and you can embody it completely.
If you open yourself to insight,
you are at one with insight
and you can use it completely.
If you open yourself to loss,
you are at one with loss
and you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to Tao,
then trust your natural responses;
and everything will fall into place.

How far can we understand this? Even if we do, how much is it going to help? Then, what?

我心中的你深得見骨　
怎會想到跟你想法有出入　
願你抽半秒想想　往日

I know I should be sleeping right now. Yet, mid-night hunger and the tormenting heat between the blankets woke me up. I need rest; I've waken up not to. I will see the big boss today. Somehow, I feel like meeting godfather of the mafia. Not knowing what to do, but show your individualism and dedication to the cult. Not sure if they would make good use of me. I wish they would. Let's see how far my luck can be pushed.

These days, I realize that WORK has the following functions:

[1] It keeps you occupied, and makes you feel that time flies faster than it should be;

[2] It drains you out, so that you could sleep soundly (sure?) at night;

[3] It gives you a chance to accumulate some topics to talk to your friends at night;

[4] It keeps you busy and therefore gives you a label as a 'usuable', 'practical', 'meaningful' and 'functional' being.

My current part time job does not have much to do. Most of the day, I spend my hours at my desk working on the msn chatboxes and reading the papers I downloaded from Jstor for my research. People are nice, nicer than I expected. Maybe it's not yet time for competition. Still, I adopt a rather reclusive approach. Sometimes, I peep at my silenced phone. No one calls, no missing call. Then I go back to my 'work'. I have several smoking break per day, which could be the most liberating moments at work, I guess. Not that I long for a smoke, but that I could somehow stand within a space on the ground. It makes me feel more solid and existential.

The last semester will start in 2 weeks' time - probably the last semester I could have in the near future. What could I make best out of it. I certainly miss the people there. I regret not getting close to Esther Cheung, whom (I assume) I could talk a lot to. I regret not sitting in Abbas's classes when he's still here. Well, for Gina, she is nice, though she still has not read my stuff. Incredible. I also miss Jason and Tiffany, who are basically the most immediate comfort during these two years. I miss the library, my pigeon hole, the classrooms and the smoking areas.

差不多4:45am la, it's time for you to get up for work.

睡得好嗎? 有想起我嗎?

I had a nightmare about you, which woke me up.

記得吃點早餐, 空肚工作無益!

A LOVER’S EARLOBE (temporary draft)
by Nicholas Y.B. Wong (copyright)

Dedicated to Robbie

The head tilted slightly,
your left ear’s exposed
in the open air. A protest:
life’s too heavy, you exclaimed.
Removing part of your ear helped
relieve the weight.

Nothing was lighter than the moments we
shared. Your gospel words intruded my
ear: a folktale about a hole on the earlobe.
Someone had to fill it up, a sacrifice.
A thread of silk sprouted and reached
my cap. Hair obscured to reveal your
history and renew a part of it.

Earrings foregone,
your past foretold.
The aperture lured desire to drop by.
I listened to the mourning and yearning
the hole collected. The slit mystified the
contour of your left pinna.

Unblock the ear after it’s identified.
That’s the way an ear distinguished
a lover from the deaf crowd.

Blue Song
I am tired.
I am tired of speech and action.
If you should meet me upon the
street do not question me for
I can tell you only my name
and the name of the town I was
born in - but that is enough.
It does not matter whether tomorrow
arrives anymore. If there is
only this night and after it is
morning it will not matter now.
I am tired. I am tired of speech
and of action. In the heart of me
you will find a tiny handful of
dust. Take it and blow it out
upon the wind. Let the wind have
it and it will find its way home.
Tennessee Williams

我的生存之道

在這裡思索自己, 差不多可以哭出來.

Why did I resign four years ago? It was a job that provided me with 90 holidays a year and paid me nearly $20K a month (at the stage I resigned). The answer is easy: I have lost myself.

In 2007, I have set myself a series of goals. I would like to give myself one more chance - in fact, one more sign. I have submitted two of of my thesis chapters to two scholarly journals to see if they're interested in publishing them for me. I know it may sound too far-fetching and my critical thinking and writing may not have reached such a high level yet. Still, I want to try. People, if not now, when? The chapter on Haruki Murakami's ear has been sent to Journal of Asian Studies, while the one on Will Self's Cock and Bull has been sent to Critique: Studies of Contemporary Fiction. One more chapter on the nose (Nikolai Gogol) and the penis (Hanif Kureishi) will be sent out by mail to Men and Masculinities. I plan to write a few more poems and short stories by February, and hopefully send them to Upstreet (Vermont University) and another publication mentioned on the APWN website.

If luck comes to hit and shower me with any of them, I will reconsider if I am quitting the academic circle. 學術 is not a circle understood by many people. What is more difficult to comprehend is the life inside such an 'academic life'. Ever since I was small, I came up first in the whole class or school. I did average in secondary school. Not able to compete with the best, but absolutely much better than the worst. I seemed to have found myself in university. I met nice teachers, I picked the right subjects, I read the impressive books. I decided to move on. Thanks to Elaine Ho (the first cunt in my life), I chose to work.

Four years of teaching, I only enjoyed around 100 days. There were times I was in the classroom and I kept asking myself "Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in somewhere else?" It took time for consideration and courage to make a move. I know I could not afford any D-mop and IT clothes anymore if I go back to the campus. Anyway, I chose such a path.

I admit I am a picky person. I did forfeit some chances to earn some money that would make my life easier. I did it because I wanted myself to be completely focussed on my writing. My situation is a bit unusual. My origina supervisor left, then I was transferred to someone else, and then another transferal. So far, after 1.5 years of hard work and writing, no one has read my stuff yet. If there's a mentor, I would be less frustrated and even more productive. I have to say I already did my best and lived up to myself after my studies started. I have gone to three conferences, praised at two by someone I didn't know and won a cash prize. At that point, I thought I could really continue. I still remember this scene: Jonathan Hall from UC Irvine said to me: "I like your paper.....You're not doing a PhD? You should, I think you're talented". This is the first time I have been praised by some people in a different world in six years. I really need this encouragement, the positive energy to drill into my blood. I have achieved much more than the people of the same year.

Owing to different issues, my confidence seems to have gone. Studying is perhaps the only way I can find a real sense of satisfaction. But the point is who can allow a 28-to-be to keep studying in Hong Kong? I look at my parents. They raised me as what I am. I am not a good son at all, but I still want them to have a life to enjoy when they're old. There's nothing I could do to reward except looking for a real job that pays me really good money. I don't mind working at all. I have worked, spending 10 hours to mark assignment and only 15 mins for lunch and dinner. I was once a typical busy Hong Kong person, just that I didn't enjoy what I was busy with.

There's a struggle between my personal dream and my duty. I don't mind giving up myself for a while for my parents, just that I am worried if I quit the academia, I won't be back anymore since the people I know may leave or die somehow when I recognize I need to go back, again. If my family is richer, I would be doing my PhD at Princeton, an MFA in somewhere or even a PhD in creative writing. My friends, after I die, please bring my ashes to Princeton and scatter some over the lawn there.

Being too free is a problem, a nuisance, a weakness. Honestly, sitting in front of my desk thinking about what to do next is a torturing experience. Moving from company A to company B is easy because there's already another choice. If terms and conditions fit, you leave. If not, you stay, or you look for company C in your industry. For me, industry unknown, career unknown, job unknown.

學術 also requires a strong will. I just want to learn and write. Learning makes me happy. Knowing stimulates me. How many of us really identify such a passion? After identifying, how many of us would recognize, respect, encourage and value?

I have never been as frustrated about myself as now. I really want to figure out the road of my life.

We're All in the Dance

Life's a dance

we all have to do

What does the music require?

People all moving together

close as the flames in a fire

feel the beat

music and rhyme

while there is time

We all go round and round

Partners are lost and found

looking for one more chance

All I know is

we're all in the dance

Night and day

the music plays on

we all are part of the show

while we cana hold on to someone

we know life won't let us go

feel the beat

music and rhyme

while there's time

We all go round and round

partners are lost and found

Looking for one more chance

All I know is

we're all in the dance

We're all in the dance

Andrew Holleran asked: "How can we distinguish the dancers from the dance?"

Facing the spectacular view of the Paris city, all we need is someone next to us to say, "It's so beautiful." We all know, by being there, the view is beautiful. What the other half says is not suggestive, but confirmative, reassuring us that in the world, there's someone to share our view.

Time and What to Read

Chow Mo Wan (Tony Leung) in 2046 says: "People like me have too much time."

Chow Mo Wan is everywhere. It could be you, and it's definitely me, currently. Having too much time, to many people, is a kind of luxury. They would sacrifice money to get it; I would do the opposite. Not wanting to dig into the perplexing academic books, but still wishing to keep track to the academic domain, I choose to read some magazines - not the local tabloids (not to mention cable channel 13 is suffocating us with information we don't need to know).

Philosophy Now (http://www.philosophynow.org/) is an easy read and fun-to-read for people with a certain background and interest of philosophy and culture (both ancient and contemporary). Those thinkers (scholars worship them as 'great' thinkers) spent five to twenty years to write a book that needs at least years to decode. Then, one need to dig out the secondary resources on the debates on such books and their ideas. Possibly, it's going to make you age faster than you should, with a sense of helpless and bewilderment upon encountering difficult ideas. Yet the magazine provides people with a fast means to understand the basic framework of such ideas. I am not a fan of Wittgenstein, whose PhD thesis, I was told, was written in one paragraph. But I find the following anecdote very intersting:

One morning, when Wittgenstein appeared for breakfast I noticed he was not clean-shaven. (This was unusual as W was always so well presented.) "Ludwig," I asked, "are you growing a beard?" At this he looked angry and replied: "Not shaving isn't the same thing as growing a beard!" He paused for a moment then continued:"...though to grow a beard certainly requires one not to shave."

This issue features two articles that most interest me: Alan Kirby argues that postmodernism has been dead, and what we have been thinking as postmodern texts, or phenonmena, are what he calls 'pseudo-modernism', which requires a great deal of interaction from the audience or viewers. For example, Channel 4's Big Brother could not survive if no viewers phone in from the families, or the game shows would not have been produced if there's no participant contributing to the drama of the plotlessness of the programme.

There's another article (actually a film review), comparing two films about the 9-11 incident: United 93 and World Trade Centre. For people following my blog, it would not be necessary to stress how much I value the former than the latter. The reviewer, Thomas Wartenberg, points out how the structure of United 93 resembles a Greek tradegy. Interesting.

The English is plain and is written to make the readers understand, instead of arousing further confusion. Philosophy Now is published bi-monthly in England, but you can get a copy at Page One, rather regularly (HK$59.00).

It's time to think about ideas in relation to the culture we are situated in. There's no need to agree with the thinkers. Instead of being engulfed by our surroundings, I urge for a need to ponder on why and how (even though there's no possible escape from capitalism) we are eaten. A reflection is needed, and it needs time to take place.

W.H. Auden: Love requires an object.

"Language has not the power to speak what love indites:

The soul lies buried in the ink that writes."

John Clare

Thank you for meeting me on 14 November 2006, at Fortress Hill.

Thank you for existing.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006, USA)
Directors: Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris
Running time: 101 mins

I like watching films and TV dramas about fucked-up people. They're especially humorous and witty and bitterly sweet. Six Feet Under, American Beauty, Weeds and I am glad that now I have Little Miss Sunshine on my list.

The film is sketpical about the contemporary American culture, which in many ways, the global culture. Yet, it's also a fucked-up culture: a father who is too obsessed with the idea of winning though he himself is a loser career-wise; a grandfather who is proud of fucking so many women and occasionally sneaks into the bathroom to snort some heroin; a daughter who is intoxicated by the beauty myth and dreams of the winner of a beauty pegeant; a son who refuses to talk until he enrols into the air force and draws the portrait of Nietchze; a suicidal gay uncle who is a well-known scholar on the French writer Marcel Proust.

Interestingly, the wife is the most normal person in the film. She is not uptight about her housework, not the kind of sad happy housewife we see in Desperate Housewives. She just smokes twice in the film - I smoke more than she does! So, she's perfectly fine.

It's an independent film and also another road movie. All road movies are about the road, from the starting point (Alburquerque, Nex Mexico) to the destination (California). During the course, the characters would have a Joycean epiphany (i.e. a recognition, an awakening). The film offers a chance for the typical dysfunctional American family to reunite their bonding among each other. The film is recommended - it's entertaining, quick, funny and unpretentious.

"Life is a beauty contest after one beauty contest". This is not original anymore. We, as adults, know that our lives are not any easier than the school days. We blamed our teachers for making our school life so hard, but we could not blame anyone but ourselves after we leave our dreary campus. The importance here is not 'contest', but 'beauty contest'. Everything is about 'visual' now. The New York Times earlier published an article saying a film degree is as worth studying as an MBA in any famous institutes worldwide simply because film studies allows you to analyze visual language, which bombards us every day. The daughter (Olive) is bombarded by the beauty of Miss America; the uncle (Frank) was depressed because his boyfriend ditched him for another nice looking Proust scholar with a Maserati. What is beauty? The film may offer an optional answer: family love. For me, I will leave Alan Ball's works to answer this question.

One thing I should take note of is the ending. The DVD bonus offers four more alternative endings, among which, there is a more crazy one, which talks about how the family steals the trophy and the crown of the beauty contest despite the daughter's fucked-up talent performance onstage. I personally would like this ending rather than the official one, which is too predictable, too safe and too neat.

My recent favourite song:

還好我懂得抬頭走
更不須人援手
直到我遺忘你那碗粥比親吻燙口
今天愛過你的日後成為誰密友
離合不講理由 甜密不必持久
多少情人日夜相處仍淪為朋友
天大地大並沒並多少快樂時候
來來回回寧願在你掌心中向右走
尋覓我未相識的摯友

人人都想有傾城之愛
似山伯英台　卻得到將來
人人都想有愛不完的愛
有天意青睞　但世上缺乏人才

"Shall I have to go away again,

leaving everything behind -

my research, my book?

Shall I awake in a few months,

a few years, exhausted, disappointed,

in the midst of fresh ruins?

I should like to understand myself properly

before it is too late."

Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea.

叱o宅組合新力軍: (金) Zarah (銀) 農夫 (銅) Project Early

叱o宅男新力軍: (金) 關楚耀 (銀) 杜汶澤 (銅)鄺祖德

叱o宅女新力軍: 衛詩 泳兒 (position not confirmed yet) (銅)胡琳

唱片: Human 我生 (古巨基)

唱作人: Most difficult category. Finalized later. Three out of these six: 軟硬天師 / 張繼聰 /張敬軒 /方大同 /梁漢文 / 王菀之

叱o宅組合: (金) Twins (銀) 軟硬天師 (銅) E02

叱o宅女歌手: 容祖兒 /何韻詩 (position not confirmed yet) (銅) 薛凱琪

叱o宅男歌手: (金) 陳奕迅 (銀)古巨基 (銅) 張敬軒 /側田 (not finalized yet)

This year's 叱o宅 results are very hard to predict, especially the 'bronze position' of all categories. I guess the top ten songs to date are as follows:

1. 愛得太遲 (古巨基)
2. 華麗邂逅 (容祖兒)
3. 小峽谷之1234 (薛凱琪)
4. 大大時代 (譚詠麟)
5. 光明會 (何韻詩)
6. 大愛 (許志安)
7. 愛你變成恨你 (吳雨霏)
8. 愁人節 (謝安琪)
9. 笑忘書 (張敬軒)
10. 好兄弟 (軟硬天師)

Uncertainty: Not sure if 903 will give the award to Alan Tam, if not, one of the following songs could appear on the list: 三生有幸 (鄭中基) / 紅綠燈 (鄭融)

Missing here for a while. My laptop broke down now and then in the past 3 weeks, owing to the curse of the octopus card I picked up in a taxi (which I used to buy 2 packs of Kent M3). I am not a digitial culture person: no MP3 (surely not MP4rrrrrrrrrrrrrr either), no i-Pod, no palm pilots, no blackberry, no PSP or NTS. But once my laptop breaks down, my life is so fucked up. I guess those cultural critics are right: we are all cyborgs now, we are so in debt to the machines, which not only form parts of our lives, but also part of our bodies. Anyway, my laptop is fine now, at least with my most important thesis backed up.

Another semester just ended and the new one would not start until 29 Jan. God - more than 1 month of time. Koa found a new job, which would occupy him more time, which means I need to be more independent (which I could, I guess) and I could do some reading finally. I also want a part time job, anything will do. I always fantasize myself working in a coffee shop and shit like that. Kind of charismatic and romantic. Anyway, I just finished the season 1 of Weeds, which surprised me a lot with the mean but witty lines. I also got myself two books (coincidentally both on existentialism): Paul Auster (same birthday as mine)'s Travels in the Scriptorium and Jean-Paul Sartre's Nausea. Maybe I should also go back to Beckett's Waiting for Godot and Camus's The Outsider if I have time.

People like me have too much time, too less to do. Wanting to buy a nice new jacket for the function that Koa asked me to go with him proudly as somebody of his, yet financial limitations are always with me. I have a bad habit that I can't get rid of - comparing myself to other people. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. My formal training told me that every individual is different and my mindset tells me that I don't give a shit to what people think. Yet, I still compare. I am going to be 28 in two months' time - I am still what I was. Hopefully, I will have one more degree by August 2007, which means I have 3 titles already: BA, PDipEd, and MPhil. Why the fuck would someone need 3 titles? Honestly, the current culture does not value this, meaning the people living in this culture don't either. I am fine with the way I suffice myself - yet my family and my partner are the one whom I need to support with my financial solvent. Speaking of work, god knows what the fuck I will do. Ask Susan Miller and Paddy Ching. My fate just has not got the signs for me yet.

Not being able to fit into the mainstream makes someone an outcast and the culture always thinks it is the outcast who has problems. That's why we have so many stupid self-help books in the market. Rule 1: don't read self-help books; Rule 2: burn self-help books; Rule 3: Write one if you wanna get rich as it doesn't take knowledge to write one.

28 - what will I be like when I am 28? I hope the people around me still admore me as what I am and remind me of this as well. I shouldn't be what I am not.

Koa sounded tired on the phone. SUM TUNG. I know you are doing your best. I love you.

屋雖細 有自由 不需品 懶擁有

家雖細 有自由 錢雖少 有溫柔

難道我走上露台賞燈 未察覺原來樓下有人
清高也有個價 唯有抽煙好

I was told to hold everything until 20 Nov. A few moments ago, when I was idling in the computer centre, I checked out Susan Miller again. She says:

"With many planets squaring off in fixed signs, every part of your life will require attention. Your boss, clients, family, or landlord, as well as your romantic partner will all want your primary attention."

I wish my boss could have said to me that she had read my stuff and would love to talk to me about it. Totally ZERO attention sought from any of the above, I'm such a transparent being in this world.

http://www.myheritage.com